Thursday, May 17, 2007

Oldie but goodie

A reader from Canada writes, "I am having problems with my 7 year old with listening. When I googled the problem I came across a site which highly recommended your article from 1997. Is it possible to get a copy of this?"

Just in case there's some other parents with a similar problem (LOL), I'm reprinting it, below.

Copyright 1997, The Boston Globe

When parents say 'now,' and children think 'later';
By Barbara F. Meltz, Globe Staff

In the opening line of Jules Feiffer delightful new children's book, "MEANWHILE," a mother calls to her son. Her boldface, oversize, italicized voice reverberates through the house: "Raymond! Raymond, I want you!"

She might as well be shouting into a pillow.

"Raymond didn't hear," writes Feiffer.

Sound like your house?

This book may be for kids, but Pulitzer Prize-winning cartoonist Feiffer has given parents a gift as well: a window into our children's minds. Who among us, after all, hasn't wondered how it is that a child can calmly, intently, contentedly go on with her activity while you rage nearby in italicized capitals: "I'M LOSING MY PATIENCE!"

Struggling to get our children to do what we want when we want is a universal problem that starts as soon as a child can talk. "No," "not now," "later," "it's not fair!" and even, "you can't make me!" are children's egocentric attempts to blot out the rest of the world, at least at this moment when what they are doing is more important than anything else.

Raymond is able to ignore his mother with the use of "MEANWHILE," a comic-book device that removes him to a second location to avoid disaster at the first. Your own child has no doubt used a variation of this strategy.

It is not laziness, inconsideration or even intentional defiance that typically motivates a young child. Rather, it is a single-minded focus that literally takes her into another world, much like Raymond. "Kids tune us out because they are engrossed in what they are doing," says child psychologist Richard Weinberg, director of the Institute of Child Development at the University of Minnesota.

With children under 7, there's also an issue with time. "They have no concept of it, even if they can read time," says Weinberg. "You can say 'now' and they can say, 'OK,' but to them, 'now' can be in 20 minutes and still be 'now,' " he says.

At about 7, we may begin to see what University of Minnesota psychologist Linda Budd calls "parent deafness."

"They literally can tune us out. Not hear you," she says.

This is a learned behavior, not developmental, and unfortunately, we're the ones who teach it.

"Our generation of parents has a tendency to repeat ourselves over and over, thinking we are being patient and helpful. Instead, a child learns he doesn't have to pay any attention until your voice reaches a certain critical pitch," says Budd. By then, of course, you're on the way to a full-blown fury and your child's wide-eyed wonderment - "What's the big deal?" - only serves as accelerant.

Weinberg says our own behavior also often models that procrastination is OK: "How often do you ask your spouse to do something and he/she says, 'In a minute, hon'?"

Perhaps the most common reason children don't listen is because they get in a power struggle with us. The more we feel unlistened to and ignored, the more we feel unappreciated. Our child begins to look like a spoiled brat: "I ask him one simple thing and he won't do it!" Out of frustration and anger, we say things we never planned to: "Because I told you so!"

On the other side of this is a child who feels bossed around and oppressed, says parent educator Linda Braun, executive director of Families First Parenting Programs in Cambridge.

"Children of all ages can get to a point where they feel, 'I've had it!' just like you would if you had an authoritarian boss. They start to resist," she says. If your child is at the you-can't-make-me stage, things have gone way too far, she adds.

One way to get a child away from feeling bossed and into feeling cooperative is to examine your motives, says Weinberg. "Make sure you aren't asking a child to do something just to be able to say to yourself, 'I'm in control.' If you can't give yourself a good reason why it has to be done when you say so, it won't feel like a worthwhile request to your child," he says.

Indeed, Weinberg says providing the reason for your request can go a long way toward getting cooperation. "If you say, 'Clean up your room now because I'm working on my mine and we can both be upstairs at the same time,' it feels to a child more like, 'We're a team,' than, 'I'm the boss,' " he says.

For Braun, empathy is critical. She says a child will be so relieved to hear you state what he's feeling - "You hate when I interrupt you, don't you?" - that he'll be more open to what you have to say and willing to engage in problem-solving.

She offers a potential conversation starter: "I don't want to be the boss of you, but I know sometimes it feels like I am. On the other hand, sometimes I feel like I don't get the help I need for our family to work smoothly. What can we do so you won't feel bossed and I won't feel put upon?"

Although this may feel as though you are ceding power, Braun says the opposite is true, especially by the preteen years when a child developmentally wants and deserves more control over her life. "It creates a win-win situation, where you both feel better. Just keep working at the solution until you get one you can live with," she says. For instance:

Mom: How many times a day do you feel like I boss you, 10, 12?

Child: More! Maybe 20 or 30!

Mom: Hmm. How many times a day do you think would be fair for me to ask you for help and you wouldn't feel bossed? Five, six?

Child: Maybe six.

Mom: Well, should this include reminders for things you need to do for yourself, like getting your backpack ready at night?

Child: No, that's bossing me! I can do it myself!

Mom: OK, so let's make a list of things you are responsible for, like your backpack, or what you wear, or whether you comb your hair to go to school. And what about the things I can ask that won't feel like bossing? Let's make a list of them, too. Then we'll keep track for a week of how it goes . . .

Braun says consequences are crucial to any agreement: "What will we do if one of us forgets or breaks our side of the agreement?" The advantage to preestablished consequences is not only that a child knows what to expect, but also that she knows you aren't acting arbitrarily, out of anger.

Unfortunately, this is where most parents fall down: We don't follow through. "You have to be willing to tolerate a child's unhappiness," says Weinberg.

Budd says we are more likely to get what we want when we want it if we say what we want clearly the first time and don't repeat ourselves innumerable times. She says, "Tell your child, 'It's my responsibility to tell you what I need to tell you. It's your responsibility to hear it.' "

Agree to give one, even two, reminders, but also agree to consequences if he doesn't heed them. For instance: "What's fair if you don't come to dinner when I call you? You eat after we do? You eat in your room? You don't eat at all?" When you follow through, do it calmly, not in anger.

An older child may have a cavalier response: "I don't want to eat with you anyway." Advises Weinberg, "Just let the consequences happen, don't get into it."

Braun says that deep down inside, all children want nothing more than to have parental love and approval. With all his fantasies, escapes and meanwhiles behind him, that's exactly what Feiffer's Raymond figures out.

SUGGESTIONS FOR PARENTS

A you-can't-make-me retort is a giant red flag that your child is testing you and the system. If you don't have agreements in place, this tells you you need them.

Psychologist Linda Budd, whose private practice specializes in very challenging children, often suggests repayment plans for some families. Instead of nagging a child to meet a responsibility, you let it come and go with someone else filling in for him (probably you, possibly a sibling). The consequence is that the child repays that person by putting an equal amount of time toward a task of that person's choosing.

Put agreements in writing, with rules and consequence spelled out. Each person should initial that you agree to it.

Relate the consequence to the misbehavior: If a child leaves her bike out in the rain, restricting her bike riding makes more sense than restricting computer time. Natural consequences are often what children learn from most: Instead of ranting at him about sloppy homework, let him suffer the consequence of turning it in and having the teacher require him to do it over.

Posted by Barbara Meltz at 12:19 PM

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