Tuesday, May 8, 2007

Why-oh-why? Questions children ask

If you've ever struggled to answer one of your child's brilliant questions ("What do the goldfish do all day long?" "Do trees have feelings?" "Can my baby sister go away now?"), you'll enjoy this new book by Mallika Chopra, "100 Questions from My Child" (Rodalel Press, May 2007; $18). (Yes, there is a relationship to Deepak Chopra; he's Mallika's dad and he writes the book's foreward.)

I've long thought that how we respond to our children's questions is something we don't give enough thought to; our answers, after all, contribute greatly to how children frame their view of the world, not to mention their relationship with us. The more dismissive we are ("Oh honey, you don't need to worry about that!"), the less likely over time that they will keep coming to us with their thoughts and questions.

Chopra's answers are both beautiful, simple and developmentally on the nose. (I particularly like the one she gives to the question, "When will I meeet God?") The book is not intended for readers to mimic verbatim, of course, but to be a source of inspiration for us to find our own answers.

Meanwhile, for a decidedly more how-to approach to anwering your children's questions, here's an exerpt from a Child Caring column from 2002:

"Why?" is one of the first questions children form. Why? For one thing, it's an easy word to pronounce; preschoolers use it even when they want to know what, where, or when.

It also gets them interesting results.

Children learn early that by asking "why" they can buy themselves time, as in, "Why do I have to clean up now?" They learn that it's a way to keep a conversation going: Often what makes a child happy is not so much what you answer but that you continue to answer at all. For toddlers, a why question is almost always an egocentric one: "Why does that machine make so much noise?" can be safely translated to, "Are you sure that isn't going to hurt me?" Asking "why" can be a plea for reassurance, as in, "Why do I have to get a shot?" or an expression of astonishment, as in, "Why is the sky so blue?"

Every now and then, of course, "why" actually means what we adults expect it to mean: a request for information. Before you try to answer a child's why, here are some things to keep in mind:

Find out first what your child already knows. There's nothing more frustrating for her or you when the answer isn't satisfying to the asker. That usually happens simply because a child isn't always able to frame the question to get the information he's seeking. So before you answer his question, ask him one in return: "What do you think?" When you still aren't sure what he's asking, pose a question that guesses at it: "Squirrels sleep in nests. Is that what you want to know?"

Be truthful. Even though you may have honorable intentions, giving inaccurate information has a way of coming back to haunt you (my 15-year-old son still chides me for once telling him that maple seedlings were weeds) and, down the line, can cause a child to wonder: "Can I trust mom's answer? How do I know she's telling me the truth this time?" That doesn't mean preschoolers need the whole truth, however; offer it up in age-appropriate sound bites. If a 3-year-old asks, "Why do things fall?" a good answer might be, "The Earth pulls them. You just can't see the Earth doing it. There's even a special name for it: gravity."

It's OK to say you don't know, especially if you tell him you'll find out, and then you do.

Don't cut off a child's questions. No matter how frustrated a string of "Why's" makes you, saying "Your questions are driving me crazy!" sends a message that asking questions isn't a good thing, which, of course, it really is. Try, instead, to postpone the question ("Can you ask me later? Right now, I have to concentrate on driving."). Turn it into a conversation ("Talking about cars makes me think about trucks, because they have wheels, too. What else has wheels?"), or turn it into a game ("You be the mommy and I'll be the child who doesn't want to wear the seat belt."). Maybe you'll learn something from her answers to your "why." Whenever possible, humor is always a good deflector.

Posted by Barbara Meltz at 12:01 PM

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