Monday, June 18, 2007

Diagnosis: Transitionitis

Teachers and parents often report a flurry of unusual behaviors this time of year: a kindergartner who says mean things to a teacher she's loved all year long; a first grader who's suddenly accident-prone; a 4th grader who's uncharacteristically grumpy or aggressive.

Here's a reasonable diagnosis: transitionitis.

Children of all ages have a love-hate relationship with the end of school. The culture tells them they are supposed to be happy (no more pencils, no more books!) but what many of them actually feel is sad and confused. We don't help matters when we are looking to the summer ahead of us and talking about vacation plans. Kids live in the moment. This is not the time to talk about next month, or even next week. They need closure, and when they don't get it they often become grumpy and oppositional.

The kindergartener who tells the teacher something bizarre like, "You have ugly teeth"? She's looking for excuses to not like the teacher so that it will be easier to say goodbye. Respond to her as if she just said, "I'm going to miss my teacher so much." Don't worry that it sounds as if you weren't listening; you're getting to the heart of the matter: "You're really going to miss kindergarten, aren't you?"

The first grader who's scraping her knee every other day and complaining of stomach aches? She's finally feeling like she's mastered first grade (which, by the way, kids perceive as the hardest of all the elementary years) and now she's leaving! She's too preoccupied to pay attention to what she's doing physically, and so stressed about the prospect of change that it's showing up in physical symptoms. Advice: don't keep kids home at the end of the year for physical complaints unless there's a fever.

And the third or fourth grader? We typically put a lot of energy into end of the year when it's a marker year, end of preschool, end of elementary, end of middle. But separating from a best friend just for the summer can be a blow even for a third or fourth grader. Make a plan now with that friend's mom for after school gets out so the girls know they will still see each other.

Boys, no surprise, are less likely than girls to say they are feeling sad. Help them get to their feelings by some oblique comments: "Most kids are glad school is over, but there's almost always something that they'll miss: a subject, a friend, a teacher. It can make some kids feel really sad." Even then, a 3d or 4th grade boy may not share with you, but you've at least normalized the feelings for him.

If nothing else, acknowledge the end of the year. I always left a card for my son on the morning of the last day of each grade, congratulating him on a good year, commenting on his accomplishments. He never seemed to notice. Until the one year I forgot.

Posted by Barbara Meltz at 11:05 AM

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