| Parenting advice | |
| Children of all ages may -- or may not -- be frightened by the recent spate of school shootings. Next to spreading your own anxiety, the biggest mistake parents make is to not talk about it because you assume silence is protective. It's not. It tends to make children more worried: "This is so scary, even mom and dad can't talk about it." Start with a question: "Do you feel safe at your school?" With preschool through second-graders: If she says yes, simply agree with her: "I think your school is very safe. But if you have any questions about safety, let me know." If she says no, ask why not. If it's something specific ("I heard about a bad man who killed children.") be honest, brief, and reassuring: "I heard that, too. Your teachers and your parents are always doing everything possible to keep you safe." If she persists or brings the subject up again, ask more questions: "Tell me more." If you're not sure how to respond, consult the school. With third- through sixth-graders: No matter what she says, the truest answer is in her expression: "You're saying you feel safe, but I'm getting the feeling you don't mean it. What are some ways you don't feel safe?" Don't ask, "How do you feel about school?" That won't get you to the safety issue. Don't lecture about safety precautions in school. Get him to tell you: "I think your school tries hard to keep kids safe. Tell me about the safety drills." Even if you think your child is being melodramatic, don't try to talk him out of his feelings. Reflect them back: "Sounds like this kid is kind of creeping you out, huh?" If it's something you feel the school needs to know about, don't sneak behind your child's back: "I hear your concerns, including that you don't want to get anyone in trouble. My job as a parent is to keep you safe. I promise to do this in a respectful way. You have to trust me." With adolescents: Once you have her thoughts out in the open, offer some facts. For instance: "You know, there are about 90,000 schools in the U.S. In 2002, there were only 17 homicides in all those schools." (Source: National Center for Educational Statistics; John S. Dacey, Boston College researcher.) Let her draw the conclusion that these events are very rare. Talk together about the school's safety precautions. Do the two of you know what, exactly, they are? Do they go too far? Not far enough? Just because you have a high school student doesn't mean you can't ask questions of the school. It's OK to use the word "crazy" with your teen; it makes clear that these perpetrators are not processing information rationally. |
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