Get Lost, Bud!

I'm man enough to own up to my many beach fashion faux pas, such as the time I donned a pair of boxer shorts sporting Greek columns (Doric, thank you) instead of swim trunks and learned the hard way, while frolicking in rough surf on a crowded beach, why men's bathing suits have a string that ties at the waist. I've also had sunglasses with frames I once thought were fashionable; now said frames can be found on the spin rack for reading glasses at Walgreens.

So I'm not throwing stones at Philip Johnson's glass house when I say that I was dumbfounded by an accessory choice I spotted at the beach last weekend -- a Bluetooth headset.

"I don't know, what do you want for dinner?" was the conversation taking place, clearly the kind of important discussion that needs to occur surfside with a silver growth protruding from one's ear.

If you've spent the last three years on the sofa watching "Xena" reruns on the Oxygen Network and somehow missed these gadgets, the Bluetooth headset is a kind of hearing aid on steroids that wirelessly connects to your cellphone, allowing important people who never have enough hands to enjoy hands-free conversations. Unfortunately, the beach isn't the only locale these silver earwigs have taken up residence. Restaurants, high-end stores, low-end stores, the office, and public restrooms are all fair game.

Please don't mistake me for a crotchety technophobe: I nearly pocketed a friend's iPhone last week the minute he turned his back. I get the same acrid taste in my mouth when I see a cellphone dangling from a holster on a pair of pleated khakis. I think cellphones manufactured since 1999 are small enough to fit inside a pocket.

I'm perplexed that seemingly well-educated folks walk around for hours with Bluetooth headsets strapped to their ears as if they were Tiffany diamond earrings. Have they spied the robotic cockroach in a mirror and muttered to themselves "That's the accessory I've been missing all these years!" I ask not as a judgmental Judy, but as a caring individual who wants these folks to know they look pretty darn silly.

I believe the idea behind the Bluetooth and other headsets is hands-free talking, not fashion accessory. To me, that means talking while driving (or cooking). The designers of the Bluetooth didn't intend for their device to be worn like a pricey brooch or Zegna tie. So the next time you're headed to the beach, my favorite restaurant, or your child's Saturday morning soccer game, how about freeing your silver earwig and giving him a new home: the glove box of your car.