Whistles blow for alpha families to call a timeout

RIDGEWOOD, N.J. -- Residents of this affluent suburb of New York City are so competitive, at work and play, that they speak proudly of living in an ''alpha town." Mothers and fathers charge hard on Wall Street, then come home and encourage their children to show the same go-go spirit in activities. French lessons can begin as early as age 3, resume-building at 6, and some children play on five sports teams at once.

''People are so competitive in Little League and gymnastics, they instill it into their children at an early age. They want to win. They want to be on ESPN in August during the Little League World Series," said Joseph Coppola, a father who in his spare time coaches youth baseball in Ridgewood.

But community leaders in this town of 23,000, where participation in youth sports has increased 200 percent in the last two decades, have begun to rethink whether driving children as hard as parents drive themselves makes for the healthiest childhood. The leaders called a meeting last week to urge families to slow down, enjoy time together, and emphasize to their children the importance of having fun rather than being the best.

''Don't use up the days by letting your children play soccer three times a week. You don't get this time back," warned Garland Allen, the school district's wellness director, speaking to parents who came to the meeting in Ridgewood High's auditorium.

In a smattering of cities and towns from New Jersey to Nebraska, educators, coaches, and psychologists are preaching a similar message to local audiences -- against the grain of a national trend that Ridgewood represents in the extreme. Concerned about stressed, overscheduled children and the growing number of sports-related injuries to their young bodies, along with run-down parents with whistle and scoresheet constantly in hand, these advocates are calling for a return to the days of hopscotch, tag, and hide-and-seek, when childhood play was mostly about fun, not bringing home a trophy.

''What's happened is that childhood has become professionalized. Parenting has become the most competitive sport in America, and winning the gold means children getting into Harvard, Princeton, or Yale," said Dr. Alvin Rosenfeld, a New York psychiatrist and author of ''The Over-Scheduled Child."

A recent study by Public Agenda, a nonpartisan research organization, indicated that nearly 80 percent of middle and high school students were engaged in extracurricular activities after school and also on weekends. Two-thirds participated in sports, 5 of 8 in school clubs, 6 of 10 in volunteer work, and slightly more than half in religious activity or instruction in music, dance, or foreign language.

Some have grown to believe the national pattern of childhood hyperactivity is too much, and are trying to do something about it locally. In Minneapolis, community leaders are asking 1,000 families to pledge to have a family dinner four nights a week -- a commitment that Mayor R.T. Rybak has already made. Local leaders in other parts of the state are asking recreation centers to create noncompetitive sports leagues. In small hamlets across the country, groups of parents have started unorganized ball games where winning is not the main goal and parents sit quietly on the sidelines.

In Ridgewood, the school district has designated one Tuesday evening every March as a time of no extracurricular activity. In Sidney, N.Y., a town of 4,000 near Binghamton, the school superintendent has set aside Wednesdays as activity-free nights, even shifting Board of Education meetings to other days.

Childhood specialists say two big obstacles block such efforts from becoming more widespread and reversing the national trend. Allen, Ridgewood's wellness director, said community leaders in many places are reluctant to criticize well-meaning, loving parents who think they are doing what's right for their children. And parents feel pressure from other parents, fearing if they cut back on their own children's schedules, others will not, creating a competitive disadvantage when college admissions time arrives.

Coppola, the Ridgewood parent who listened to Allen and two school coaches at the Ridgewood High meeting, acknowledged he is torn. He understands their arguments that competition on elite youth teams that travel to games should be deemphasized and children should play for fun rather than to win, but he is not sure if other parents will buy into it. He fears some parents will pull children off teams that are not competitive.

''This is a seismic shift of philosophy that they are advocating," Allen said. ''Many people in this town gravitate toward travel teams. They are very competitive and they want the best for children and sometimes they measure the best for their child with wins and losses. They don't measure by the amount of fun you are having. . . . They have to be convinced their kids are being harmed by competing at these levels."

Rosenfeld, the New York psychiatrist, said there is plenty of evidence that should persuade them. ''What is sad is despite all the evidence that this is not good, the social pressure to do this is if you don't, then you are considered a remiss parent," he said. ''If you decide not to sign Johnny up for soccer, then other parents are going to look at you as if you are a hair's breadth shy of being a child abuser. That is a tragedy and that is what has gotten us into this situation."

It is unclear how this frenetic pace for the nation's children began. Some analysts point to the rise in youth soccer teams about 15 years ago. Allen believes it started in the 1980s, when many districts reorganized to start middle schools, deemphasizing athletics and leading parents to create new leagues.

''Initially it wasn't much of a problem . . . but once it got out of the school control, someone said, 'If we're doing it for seventh- and eighth-graders, why not for sixth and fourth?' Now it is not uncommon to have 3-year-old sport leagues," said Allen.

Rosenfeld said parents started building their children's resumes in the belief it could increase their chances of being accepted into Ivy League schools. Public Agenda's study says another reason parents keep their children busy with activities is to keep them out of trouble.

Dan Doyle, founder of the Institute for International Sport, says parents are justifiably concerned about their children's safety but overlook the benefits of unstructured play, which he calls a lost art form that sharpens negotiating and motor skills and sparks creativity. He pointed out that Albert Einstein's parents were not only supportive of his interests, but also allowed his daydreaming, and that that dreamy boyish trait led him to great successes later.

''If you come away with anything, it should be: Do not let your child specialize in one sport," Allen told parents at the Ridgewood meeting. The unhealthy consequences, specialists say, are long hours of practice, emotional stress, and an increase in injuries. Coaches say some of the most talented athletes are burning out before they reach their teens.

Rosenfeld said children are also dropping out of activities at an alarming rate. The hectic pace of shuttling children back and forth to practices, he said, is also hard on marriages.

Despite the efforts to instill a different childrearing ethic in Ridgewood, the fast pace continues in the upscale suburb where the median income is $104,000, and residents are accustomed to the bustle of Manhattan and the success it often brings to adults.

''It's a very competitive type of culture," said Tracy Neumann, a child specialist for the family counseling service in Ridgewood who was at the community meeting.

But Neumann said she counsels many youngsters with anxiety disorders who feel overwhelmed by their schedules.

Craig Welence was in the audience at the meeting with sons Riley, 9, and Tayler, 12. Tayler plays five sports and has suffered from tendinitis.

''I am concerned about burnout," Welence said, ''but the not caring about winning part -- well, that's not going to happen. We are humans and we have a need to want to kick someone's butt." Then he added: ''I am willing to make adjustments -- ultimately."