In adoptive families, siblings sometimes struggle

Deirdre and Brad Sassaman of Franklin often tell their children, ''We are an Irish-German-Chinese family." The Irish comes from Deirdre's heritage, the German from Brad's, and the Chinese from 2-year-old May, who was adopted a year ago. It's not unusual to see May in a green T-shirt that says, ''I'm an Irish princess," or for Kevin, who is 5, to proudly wear his Chinese outfit, especially when the family celebrates Chinese New Year around this time.

Ryan, however, wants no part of Chinese outfits. That's OK, too. He's 16.

In any family with more than one child, sensitive parents are responsive to the developmental and temperamental differences that make each child unique. In families where children arrive by both birth and cross-cultural adoption, issues are magnified not just because there's a new person in the family. There's also a new culture.

''[In public], you don't get to pick and choose when or what you want to reveal to others. It's there for them to see and, often, to comment on," says Kim Stevens, a former director of Massachusetts for Families, an adoption and foster-care training program at Children's Services of Roxbury.

Deirdre Sassaman says, ''I knew we would draw attention. I wasn't prepared for how much."

When someone oohs and aaahs over May, Sassaman is quick to say, ''May is very beautiful and smart. So is my son Kevin." But comments are constant and she can see that they get to Kevin. Once, when a stranger asked May, ''What's your name?" Kevin gave his name, only to realize by the person's reaction that she wasn't interested in him. Sassaman felt as if he was shrinking.

And then there's the racism. The first sign of it is enough to shake any parent. Stevens says, ''It's natural to wonder, 'I brought this family to be, but what is the impact on my birth kids?' " A white mother of two birth children and four adopted African-Americans, she urges parents to be open with children about the choices you have made and the values that led you to them.

Whether comments come from strangers or relatives, in the grocery or at the playground, don't ignore or dismiss them, says social worker Deborah Johnson. That sets up both the adopted and biological child to feel confused, embarrassed, ashamed, or guilty: ''Why did those people say mean things? Is it true? Did I do something bad?"

''As unbearingly uncomfortable as it may be for you, don't sugar-coat," says Johnson, who is executive director of the Minnesota Adoption Resource Network and a specialist in transracial adoption. ''It's classic for parents to say, 'They were staring because you and your sister are so cute,' " she says. ''No, they were staring because you're different. Say so: 'They were staring because our family is different. We see each other every day, so we don't notice our differences so much. But other people do." She recommends parents talk about these reactions before an adopted sibling arrives. Otherwise, children are stunned by them.

Gretchen and Paul Felopulos of Natick began having simple conversations about differences with Chloe, 5½, and Theo, 8, before they adopted Phoebe from China. Good thing, too: Chloe's first taunt came when she was only 5 and a playmate insisted, ''She's not your real sister!"

''She is so my real sister!" Chloe said. ''She's my forever sister!"

Children in transracial families fare best when parents model a range of reactions, depending on the circumstances. Is this person sincere or rude, clueless or prejudiced?

If someone asks, ''Is she adopted?" it may be a genuine, although stupid, question. What is the tone? What is the body language? Susan Caughman, editor of Adoptive Families Magazine, says, ''Part of your job is to teach a life skill: How to evaluate people's motives."

If someone is rude, it may be appropriate to turn your back, walk away, and talk to your child. If it's sincere, you might say, ''This isn't a good place to talk. If you're interested in adoption, I'm happy to have you call me." Children also need to know that their mood counts, too. Sometimes, a question isn't an invasion of privacy, it's just poor timing. '' 'I'm not in the mood to talk about it,' is a fine answer," Johnson says. If children 5 or older start to hate the attention, Caughman says, humor is the best antidote. Roll your eyes at each other, or make a joke.

As with any siblings, feelings of filial loyalty come and go. For these children, there are added layers:

If the adopted child comes into the family first, no matter what her age, she may worry, ''They'll love this baby more because it will look like them." Address the fear even if it doesn't get verbalized, advises Johnson: ''Some people may wonder if we'll love a biological child more because she looks like us. We love each other because we are a family, not because of how we look." Tell relatives not to talk in front of an adopted child about how your birth child has grandpa's nose.

If a biological child is young at the time of adoption, it's important to incorporate the baby's culture into the family. But any child can reach a saturation point: ''I'm not Korean. Why do I have to care about Korean culture?" Newton social worker Ellen Glazer, whose private practice specializes in infertility and adoption, counsels flexibility and balance. She suggests treating Chinese New Year like you would Thanksgiving: ''This is part of what we do as a family."' On the other hand, a 9-year-old shouldn't be made to feel like she's a terrible person because she'd rather go to a birthday party than on a family outing in Chinatown.

Preadolescence is prime time for anger or jealousy to surface because children tend to feel gawky and uncomfortable with themselves anyway. Caughman's birth daughter, Charlotte, was 9 when sister Hope was adopted from China. The first Christmas, Caughman hung Chinese angels on the tree. The next year, they were nowhere to be found. Charlotte had hidden them. ''I'm not Chinese," she said. Ironically, when Caughman recently told Hope, who is now 13, that she'd like to plan a family trip to Ireland, Hope said, ''But I'm not Irish!" Caughman's answer was a variation on what she had said to Charlotte: ''Ireland is part of our family's heritage just like China is."

If fighting hits below the belt, it's verbal abuse. ''There's lots of evil stuff that can go on between siblings," says Johnson. If you overhear a racist comment, take that child aside: ''I thought we had addressed this before we adopted your sister, but it seems like there's still stuff we need to work through. Those words are not part of our family's values." Tell the victim, ''Your brother says he was joking, but it's no joke to me. I'm going to be paying more careful attention."

Rarely will an adopted child confide that a sibling is abusing him. Look for it in behavior: she's pushing limits more often (testing to see if it's true you'll ''send her back" if she's bad); he doesn't want to be alone with his brother (you're running to the grocery and he drops everything to go with you); she's anxious when the sib is in the room (bites her lip, pulls her hair, flinches). Even if nothing has happened that you're aware of, Johnson suggests saying to your adopted child, ''I've heard that in some families, birth siblings can say mean things to an adopted sibling. I'm not aware of that in our family. Am I out of touch?"

Deirdre Sassaman so far knows of only one blow-up. When May had been in the family four months, she and Kevin were fighting over a toy. Kevin shouted, ''I wish you would go back to China!"

''I was shocked," says Sassaman. Was Kevin thinking that May received special treatment because she was from China?

After she put him in a time-out, she told him, ''I would be very upset if either of you went away. No matter how you came into this family, you're loved just the same."

Contact Barbara Meltz at meltz@globe.com.