For parents, senioritis is about more than the next party

John Carver-Gustin, a senior at Watertown High School, likes to be playful, so when he says he expects to show up at school one day in the next few weeks with a hangover, is he serious? He grins infectiously and shrugs with exaggeration.

The question goes unanswered.

No doubt about it, Carver-Gustin has senioritis.

It may not be in any medical textbook, but Watertown High guidance counselor Katie DiNardo can tell you that senioritis is as real as the SATs. With colleges increasing their early acceptances, some seniors' affliction begins mid-year, but it's building toward an epidemic now, with graduation weeks away. And although the party mentality is the symptom that gets the most attention, it's just one of many.

''I think of senioritis as the 'perfect storm,' " says Seattle psychologist Laura S. Kastner, co-author of ''The Launching Years, Strategies for Parenting from Senior Year to College Life" (Three Rivers Press). ''So many forces are coming to bear on seniors all at once," many of them in direct contradiction to each other: Exhilaration at finishing high school, but anxiety about what lies ahead; bravado at escaping parental authority but ambivalence about life without it; happiness to be starting something new, sadness for being done with people, places, and routines they've known all their lives.

What's more, ''This all plays out together, and the feelings shift from second to second, literally, depending on the experience of the moment," says Massachusetts General Hospital psychologist Robin Deutsch, co-author of ''7 Things Your Teenager Won't Tell You" (Ballantine).

DiNardo reminds students any chance she gets that ''every single college I know wants final grades and proof of graduation," and surely no student wants to gamble on getting arrested for drunkenness at an unsupervised party or some other transgression. In a discussion with Carver-Gustin and five college-bound classmates, the seniors insist they will still do homework (but rush through it in study hall); still attend classes (except for the three sanctioned senior skip days); and try to stay out of trouble (but still have a good time).

Here's some of what parents may see:

A sense of entitlement: Few adults would deny that ''some kind of psychological break makes sense," says Rick Melvoin, headmaster at Belmont Hill School, an independent boys' school a few miles from Watertown High. The problem is, he says, ''When they drop out of activities just for the sake of dropping out, it backfires. It feels hollow to them." That can lead to over-the-top behavior. Melvoin's school offers optional internships and self-directed senior projects. ''It's something different for them and they're in charge of their own education. It takes some of the edge off their pushing in other ways," he says.

Belligerence: 16 to 18 is often a period of rapprochement between parents and teens after the rough years from 11 to 15. Expect it to get bad again. ''I call it spoiling the nest," says Kastner, where teens pick fights over stupid things, like not returning videos. She attributes it to free-floating anxiety about September that fuels a kind of buyer's remorse: ''Did I make the right [college] choice? Is it too far away? Too close?" These may not be conscious feelings but they're there, and teens counter them with bravado to convince themselves they aren't as dependent on you as they fear they are. Take it in stride, rather than turn each tiff into a power struggle, advises Kastner.

Claustrophobia: ''You know the [Animals] song from the '60s, 'We've got to get out of this place?' " asks Kastner. ''It still applies." Seniors will tell you they are sick of school, sick of their house, and sick of you. They feel this literally, physically, and they need to vent. ''Parents aren't empathetic enough to this," says Kastner.

Intensity: Mostly, it's focused on friends. She wants to spend every minute with them, even with friends she hasn't seen in years. It's how seniors feel connected in the face of so much uncertainty and impending loss. Don't take it personally. She feels safe blowing you off because her attachment with you isn't threatened.

Most of all, what you'll see are big emotions and ideas that are all over the place. And if you haven't heard it yet, here's the rationale the typical teen offers in defense of even the most outlandish ideas: ''In three months, you won't know what I'm doing. You might as well give me the practice now."

Especially because parents are feeling celebratory, too, Kastner says it's easy for us to lose our bearings. ''All of a sudden, you're wondering, 'When did we stop having family dinners? When did we stop discussing where she is going when she leaves the house?' " More than ever, she says, ''Parents need to be making deliberate decisions."

Road trip to Montreal? No weeknight curfew? Unlimited car use? Parties without supervision?

''Think consciously about each new freedom, privilege, and bold idea," Kastner tells parents. ''Appraise each situation based on your family's values, your child's track record, and his sense of personal responsibility."

Our thoughtfulness is a direct counterpoint to our teens' impulsiveness, which is raging now because emotions are so high from the events swirling around them. The more excited and emotional they become, Deutsch says, the more the risk-taking behaviors tend to drown out good decision-making.

''It's as if they lose their brains," says Kastner.

Knowing your teen is likely to engage in some risky behavior, Deutsch says, a parent's goal is to keep them as safe as possible. Here's how she would frame it: ''I want you to be independent, but I need to know you are safe." Then agree to rules that meet your needs and values. For instance: ''I have to know where you are, because that's the only way I can get to sleep. If you're not going to be home at the time we agree, you need to let me know so I don't call the police to look for bodies on the road. If you want to do something you've never done before, you need to be willing to talk to me about it so I'm satisfied that you know how to keep yourself safe."

Will this be an easy conversation? Of course not. Is that a reason not to have it? Ditto.

Deutsch also offers parents this line: ''I want this time to be a good experience for you, but I don't want you to blow it and end up with consequences you didn't anticipate."

If your teen breaks a rule, consequences are critical. But here's the thing, says Deutsch: ''Don't make them so strict and stern that the only meaning he gets out of it is how unfair you are. Don't let it be something he will never forgive or forget."

Also, don't always assume the worst. For many, senioritis is just about taking a well-deserved break.

''I want to take a nap after track [practice] instead of doing homework. I want to sleep in one morning. I want to go to a movie instead of going to school," says Watertown senior Colin Wilson. Says classmate Faris Azar, ''Before senioritis, I never went out during the week. Now I do. To get ice cream."

Contact Barbara Meltz at meltz@globe.com.