Rules change when college kids, parents become housemates

The rattan laundry basket inside the entryway of Sue Ritchie and Randy Whittle's Hingham house is a repository for the shoes that daughters Sara and Elizabeth shed as they come in the door. It's a practical solution to an annoying problem: With the girls home from college for the summer, the accumulation of sandals at the back door was unsightly and unsafe, not to mention a stark contrast to how neat and pristine the house was with them gone.

Like most parents who struggled with the peace and quiet of an empty house when the youngest child left for college last fall, Ritchie and Whittle are now adjusting yet again.

''All of a sudden, there's chaos. The house is a mess, there's no food in the refrigerator, their schedule is so bizarre, kids are coming and going, the phones are all ringing. . ." Ritchie catches her breath. ''And we're confused. Are we supposed to relate to them as parents, or as adults?"

The summer after freshman year can be hard for parents and college-age children, with daily struggles over everything from eating schedules to apparent rejection of family values. Not only can that ruin a summer, it can wreck a relationship.

The problem is that returning freshmen are two people at once. On the one hand, they feel like young adults. ''For nine months, they have functioned without you. They're proud of that, and they want respect for it," says Washington, D.C., psychotherapist Linda Perlman Gordon, co-author of ''Mom, Can I Move Back in With You, A Survival Guide for Parents of Twentysomethings" (Penguin). At the same time, automatic responses tend to take over once they are home, making them look like the children they used to be. That's confusing to them and to us.

As parents, we can tip them in one direction or the other. ''Are you enabling them to embody the role of the adult or the role of the child?" asks Gordon.

Thomas Dingman, dean of freshmen at Harvard College, says parents and students are often working with erroneous assumptions. ''Students think the parents are refusing to acknowledge their growth when the parent just hasn't been there to observe it, and parents think the students are purposefully 'in my face' when it's just that the student is used to a new set of rules." Dingman has already received e-mail this summer from some of last year's freshmen who were looking forward to being home with their parents but now can't wait to get away again. Wrote one student, ''They treat me like a little kid!"

Gordon sees irony and a bit of sadness in this. ''What most of us want is for our children to become autonomous adults who choose to still want to be connected to us," she says. ''Yet we're the ones who sometimes get in the way of that happening."

What she means boils down to this: The more we impose rules rather than negotiate guidelines, the more we are treating them like children and the less they will behave like adults.

The basket at the back door is one way Ritchie and Whittle are coping. Rather than provoke a scene -- Shouldn't a 19- and 21-year-old see for themselves that their shoes are in the way? -- Whittle simply put the basket there. His stepdaughters, seeing such a common-sense alternative, began to use it.

But there was more than just a shoe pile. They were also having problems around food issues (cooking dinner for a daughter who doesn't show up; not buying the ''right" groceries because Ritchie didn't know what each daughter wanted); late-night behavior, like TV or music too loud; and the girls' cars blocking the parents'.

Ritchie sat down with Elizabeth. ''I said, 'Here's what's bothering us. What can we work out?' "

Elizabeth liked that. ''This was the first time my mom ever put something to me in quite that way," she said. ''There was nothing negative about [the conversation]."

Here's what the four of them agreed to:

If you aren't going to be home for dinner, call ahead.

If you want something from the market, put it on the list on the refrigerator.

If you're the last one home at night, park on the street or move cars so the first person out in the morning isn't blocked.

If you're up late, keep noise down.

If you're going to be out later than expected, call. Don't worry about waking someone up.

The more parents take a problem-solving approach rather than an authoritarian one, the more respected a student feels, says Elizabeth Tippitt, co-author of ''Real College, The Essential Guide to Student Life" (Penguin).

''Stick with 'I' statements," she says. Saying, ''I don't have as much of a tolerance for a messy kitchen as you do. What can you do to help me out with this?" is much more effective than, ''You're such a slob! You haven't learned anything!" Students hear statements like that as global accusations: ''Mom thinks I"m irresponsible!" Which is too bad, says Tippitt, because the typical student really does want to tell parents about all the good decisions he made at school, the times when he didn't skip a class or went out of his way to eat healthy food.

Another thing that can push parents over the edge is a student suddenly spouting values that are more liberal or conservative than theirs. ''Parents typically go on the attack," Tippitt says: '' 'What kind of people are you hanging out with? I'm spending all this money and you're turning into a liberal?' "

Be as calm and patient as possible, she says. ''Parents tend to see the summer as their one last opportunity to influence the student. That won't happen unless you voice views calmly and respectfully."

For most parents, two challenges will overshadow others:

Curfews. Once a child has been to college, curfews don't usually work, says Minneapolis psychologist David Walsh, author of ''Why Do They Act That Way?" (Free Press). Substitute another C-word instead: courtesy. Walsh would tell a student, ''You're in a household with other people. That means letting us know when you are going to be home, calling when you will be late, and waking me to say you're home safely." If a student chafes, be sympathetic: ''I'm not surprised you feel that way. You're used to not answering to anyone. But I worry when you're out late. I can't sleep. I need you to help me alleviate my anxiety."

Drinking. If you want to set limits about drinking, explain why: ''I worry about the example it sets for your sisters." ''I worry because your grandfather had a problem." Try to arrive at a solution together: ''What do you think makes sense?" This will go smoother, says Tippitt, if you acknowledge that he probably drinks at college and that you trust he does it responsibly.

If he violates your agreement, threatening consequences only makes you look foolish, says Tippitt. She recommends honesty: ''I'm in a tough spot. You made a promise, you broke it, I don't feel I can trust you and, yet, what alternative do I have?"

For Ritchie, treating her daughters as young adults has reduced conflict in the household, but that doesn't mean life is perfect. For instance, ''There's one beach towel that's been out on the deck for two days. It bothers me," she says. ''I'll give it two more days."

Even when she's angry, Ritchie doesn't yell. Her daughter will know from her tone that she's reached her limit. ''She'll pick up the towel, and she'll tell me, 'Calm down, mom.' "

Contact Barbara Meltz at meltz@globe.com.