Things I learned on my trip to IKEA
The simple act of shopping at IKEA yields a shocking number of important life lessons. For example, I have learned that my life is incomplete without a steady supply of lingonberry sauce in the pantry. I have learned that there is an abundance of particle-board trees growing in Swedish forests that make for economical shelving units. And I have learned that you can never, under any circumstances, have enough tchotchkes that hold tea lights strewn about your house.
These discoveries have revealed themselves to me over time, unfolding slowly like the many layers of Abba's ''Take a Chance on Me." The initial challenge to shopping at IKEA is navigating the mega store's labyrinthian twists and locating the appropriate shortcuts that will lead you to the Swedish meatballs in an hour or less. Unlike two-floor department stores, shopping at IKEA begins on the second floor, with arrows that lead in a twisting path that eventually brings shoppers to the first level.
LIGHTING The lighting section at the Stoughton IKEA is larger than the next-closest stores in Connecticut and New Jersey, an advantageous turn because lighting is one of the store's strongholds. The Lakene pendant lamp ($25) looks like it was borrowed from the powder room of Studio 54. IKEA names its products after Nordic towns, rivers, islands, and counties, but in the case of the glowing blue Trunna lamp ($20), an educated guess would lead us to believe that Trunna means ''inspired by William Shatner's bedroom" in Swedish.
TEXTILES AND RUGS The botanically inspired prints by designer Erika Pekkari are some of the finest patterns the store offers. The Inez Blad and Inez Knopp throw pillow covers are $5 each, meaning they'll be tough to find in stock by December.
BISTRO, SWEDISH FOOD MARKET In Sweden, tradition dictates an afternoon coffee break called fika. So after checking out, don't think of those cinnamon rolls in the bistro as 300 calories, think of them as your fulfillment of a time-honored Swedish tradition. The post-checkout food market, located beside the bistro, has cinnamon rolls to take home in the event you prefer your fika to go. The market also has frozen Swedish meatballs to cook at home, plus lingonberry sauce, lingonberry syrup, and, of course, lingonberry mousse.
COOKING AND EATING This is where it gets good. IKEA's furniture can be a bit, well, flimsy, so for anyone beyond college or their first apartment, the real shopping begins with smaller items. The kitchen section is a haven of inexpensive barware, funky place mats, and 50-cent mugs. Mercifully, shopping carts are available on the first floor (goodbye, awkward yellow bag). If you want to skip the second-floor showrooms, simply head to Smaland and walk through the door to the left, but beware of children attempting to escape.
CHILDREN'S IKEA An opportunity to start the tykes on an early path to good design, the children's section is filled with cutting-edge Swedish design, but in brighter hues than elsewhere. The new Lova ($15) is a giant polyester leaf, most likely harvested from the nylon-pine-tree and particle-board timber forests of Smaland, that acts as a bed canopy.
LIVING ROOMS The universal IKEA floor plan begins with a series of showrooms. Shopping here is limited to items that fit in yellow bags located in giant bins near the entrance. Experienced IKEA shoppers know not to bother with the cumbersome bags and to wait until reaching the first-floor marketplace to begin shopping in earnest. But first-timers, often overcome with emotion at seeing so much inexpensive Swedish design, have been known to grab furniture and light fixtures from showroom displays for purchase. Contain yourselves, shoppers. The proper procedure is locating a shopping list and a pencil, jotting down merchandise numbers, and then picking items up in the self-service-furniture department downstairs.
BEDROOMS AND BATHROOMS A bed lifted directly out of ''The Spy Who Loved Me," the Sultan Sandane is perhaps the sexiest thing ever made for $800. Finding sheets for a circular bed, however, can be more challenging than finding an entertaining film starring Dolph Lundgren. Unless you're a business owner that has a space in need of decorating, take the shortcut from kitchens and dining directly to bedrooms. All IKEA stores lead shoppers through a long path; to forestall exhaustion, the Stoughton store offers more shortcuts and a somewhat more open floor plan.
SMALAND Operating under the theory that most kids get cranky after walking through 346,000 square feet of Scandinavian retail bliss, Smaland is a replica of a Swedish forest -- that is, if Swedish forests were filled with nylon pine trees and lakes of blue plastic balls where parents can park their kids. Be warned: You'll be buzzed on a store-provided beeper if the kids start acting up or are caught bad mouthing Astrid Lindgren. You'll also be buzzed if you attempt to leave the kids longer than 45 minutes.
RESTAURANT AND CAFE The reward for wandering around for an hour is a plate of Swedish meatballs with a healthy side of lingonberry sauce. It doesn't matter if you like Swedish meatballs, or if you're a vegetarian. IKEA founder Ingvar Kamprad didn't come up with a secret meatball recipe just so you'd eat an energy bar out of your purse.
