Advice for parents seeking advice in their parenting
This is the season when we like to buy books for each other, but parenting books are hard to choose. Some are too dense or tell you more than you want to know, others are full of cute anecdotes but tell you nothing you don't already know. There are books that pinpoint ages or stages and books that paint a big picture but offer no hands-on information.
There's always a pile of newly published books on the corner of my desk, 14 at the moment, courtesy of legions of publicists. That they're on the desk means they've made the first cut: They didn't immediately end up in the give-away book shelf in the hall. These deserve a thumb-through, perhaps a place in my library, and maybe an interview with the author. By definition, any book I keep is written by someone reputable in their given field whose prose is clear and accessible.
On the top of the pile is ''Family Writes, Parenting with Pens, Pencils and PCs" by Joel Epstein and Peggy Epstein (Capital Books, 2005). A thin paperback engagingly written, it's a no-brainer that I would love it because its premise is for families to have fun, feel closer, and communicate better through writing activities. If it helps hone kids' writing skills in the process, well, that's just part of the fun.
In the chapter titled ''Celebrate with Words," there's a ritual for New Year's Day called The Prediction Jar. ''Gain some insight into your children's thoughts by seeing what they have to say about the future," the authors suggest. They start by giving everyone a preprinted sheet of paper with blanks to fill in next to questions such as: ''Which member of the family will grow the most? How much snow will fall this year? On what day will we have the hottest summer temperature?" Hopefully you'll have more imaginative ideas, but here's the fun part: The answers go into an empty jar. The lid gets glued on. Next New Year's Day, you smash open the jar with a hammer (inside a grocery carton), and take turns reading the predictions. It's hard to imagine there won't be laughs to share.
Here are some books I consider the best of the best. They hold up over time and are worthy of any parent's library:
If you read only one book when your child is an infant, go for ''touchpoints" by T. Berry Brazelton (Da Capo, 1992); and in the toddler and preschool years, make it ''touchpoints three to six" (Perseus, 2001), co-authored with Joshua Sparrow. I also like Harvey Karp's ''The Happiest Toddler on the Block" (Bantam/Dell, 2004), which follows his very popular ''Happiest Baby." His approach can get a little tiresome (view your toddler as a little Neanderthal and yourself as a prehistoric parent) but the strategies are sound.
Of all the books on sibling issues, ''Loving Each One Best, A Caring and Practical Approach to Raising Siblings" by Nancy Samalin (Bantam, 1997) still tops my list, both for its sympathetic tone and solid advice.
You'll head off a lot of battles over the years if you read this book when your children are toddlers: ''How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk" by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish (Collins, 1999). Don't be put off by its pub date, it's still one of the best parenting books out there. And here's good news: Faber and Mazlish have finally written a book for parents of teenagers, ''How to Talk So Teens Will Listen & Listen So Teens Will Talk" (Collins, 2005).
Every school-age child struggles with friendship issues of one kind or another. They're all covered in ''Best Friends, Worst Enemies, Understanding the Social Lives of Children" by Michael Thompson, Catherine O'Neill Grace, and Lawrence Cohen (Ballantine, 2001). Also on my must-read list is ''Raising Lifelong Learners, A Parent's Guide" by Lucy Calkins (Addison Wesley, 1997). Her argument is cogent: As parents, we are our children's first and most important teachers. Who wants to leave that influence up to chance?
Because we're raising children in a time and culture that places a high value on consumerism, Susan Linn's book ''Consuming Kids, Protecting Our Children from the Onslaught of Marketing & Advertising" (Anchor, 2005) also makes my list. It's easy reading even if its message is upsetting to digest. Another book on the subject, ''Kidnapped, How Irresponsible Marketers are Stealing The Minds of Your Children," by Daniel Acuff and Robert Reiher (Dearborn, 2005), covers a lot of ground (birth to 18) and is filled with specific, helpful strategies. And while we're on the subject of the world we live in, a new edition of ''The War Play Dilemma, What Every Parent and Teacher Needs to Know," by Diane E. Levin and Nancy Carlsson-Paige (Teachers College, 2005), just came out. It's invaluable for parents who struggle with making sense of the violent images to which our young children are exposed.
For years, few books were written expressly for parents of middle- and high-school students. Now there are many. A new one worth your time is by Sylvia Rimm, ''Growing Up Too Fast, The Rimm Report on the Secret World of America's Middle Schoolers" (Rodale, 2005). It's based on a survey of 5,400 middle-schoolers and is as well grounded in developmental theory as it is in the real-life world of middle schools today. The book that was my bedside companion in my son's early teen years is ''Staying Connected to Your Teenager" by Michael Riera (2003, Perseus). It's a big help in understanding what fuels your teen's behavior.
Some less-known books that are personal favorites include, ''You Can't Say You Can't Play" by Vivian Gussin Paley (1992, Harvard Press), and ''They Don't Like Me, Lessons on Bullying and Teasing from a Preschool Classroom" by Jane Katch (Beacon, 2004), two slim volumes, memoirs of sorts, about the social relationships of preschoolers. On a lighter note, there's ''Crib Notes, A Random Reference for the Modern Parent" by Amy Maniatis and Elizabeth Weil (2004, Chronicle Books), a little book that's endearing for its wide-ranging, quirky trivia.
Books I turn to for their easy access for quick reference:
''Take Charge of Your Child's Sleep" by Judy A. Owens and Jodi A. Mindell (2005, Marlowe) is my new favorite book on sleep, although I eagerly await the new edition of Richard Ferber's best-selling ''Solve Your Child's Sleep Problems" (Simon & Schuster), due in March.
''Your Baby's First Year week by week" by Glade B. Curtis and Judith Schuler (DaCapo 2005).
''Waking Up Dry, A Guide to Help Children Overcome Bedwetting" by Howard J. Bennett (American Academy of Pediatrics, 2005).
''The What's Happening to My Body? Book for Girls/Boys" by Lynda Madaras (Newmarket, 2000).
''Your Child's Growing Mind, Brain Development and Learning from Birth to Adolescence, Third Edition," by Jane M. Healy (Broadway, 2004).
Last but not least are single-topic books that I keep organized from adoption (''Becoming A Family, Promoting Healthy Attachments with your Adopted Child" by Lark Eshleman (Taylor, 2003) to working parents (''The Working Mother's Guide to Life" by Linda Mason, Three Rivers Press, 2002). A few worth mentioning:
''Nurturing The Shy Child, Practical Help for Raising Confident and Socially Skilled Kids and Teens" by Barbara Markway and Gregory Markway (St. Martins/Thomas Dunne Books, 2005) is a sympathetic treatment of a plaguing problem. But is it your problem or your child's? These authors do a good job of helping you sort that out.
''Boy Crazy! Keeping Your Daughter's Feet on the Ground When Her Head is in the Clouds" by Charlene Giannetti and Margaret Sagarese (Broadway) isn't due out until February, but judging by the galleys it'll be a keeper. I also like everything else these authors have written, especially ''The Roller-Coaster Years" (Broadway, 1997), which was among the first books to specifically address middle-school issues, and probably still the best.
''Stressed Out Girls, Helping Them Thrive in the Age of Pressure" by Roni Cohen-Sandler (Viking, 2005). Based on 3,000 interviews, it's up-to-the-minute, relevant, and readable.
''Parent Savvy, Straight Answers to Your Family's Financial, Legal & Practical Questions" by Nihara K. Choudhri (Nolo, 2005) combines with babycenter.com to offer an unusual mixture of parenting and legal/financial advice.
So what's my absolute favorite parenting book? My own, of course: ''Put Yourself in Their Shoes, Understanding How Your Children See the World" (Bantam/Dell, 1999).
Contact Barbara Meltz at meltz@globe.com. 
