Parenting chat with Barbara Meltz
Barbara_Meltz: Welcome to the parenting chat. I know many people are anxious to talk about the Lincoln-Sudbury murder and especially how to talk to your own kids about it, so let's do that. But also feel free to raise any other parenting issues as well.
Julie: My 3 and a half year old is refusing to eat dinner lately. He gets up from the dinner table five or six times or begins to play rather than eat. My question is - should we put him in a time out for this behavior to make him sit and eat something or should we ignore it. I have read some expert opinons that say you should not make the dinner table a battleground. What do you think?
Barbara_Meltz: Hi Julie -- No, I wouldn't put him in a time-out for not sitting still at the dinner table. The researchis pretty overwhelming that you don't want to turn meal time into a battle ground. Keep in mind that at this age, kids are craving attention, and they don't care if it's negative attention. If he decides to leave the table, I would just say, "Gee, we'll miss you," and then continue to model what you expect from mealtime, even without him: pleasant ocnversation, enjoying the meal. The less of a big deal you make of his absense, other than to note it, and the more fun you appear to be having at the table anyway, the more likely he will return. I might also ask him sometime (when you're not angry and not at the table), "I've noticed you don't like to sit at the table with us anymore. I wonder why that is?" and see what kind of response you get.
trenchcoat: shouldn't a child who wears a trenchcoat at school be a tipoff that something's amiss?
Barbara_Meltz: trenchcoat -- Ya think!? It seems like a no-brainer, and for all we know, people were aware. Frankly, I think there's a lot yet to come out about this sad case, and I think it's awfully easy to point fingers. I know one teen who told her mother, "If I had a kid who wanted to wear a trenchcoat to school, I wouldn't let him leave the house!" But on a wider issue -- aren't clothes a sign of individuality for teens? What about the goth look? Or girls who dress provocatively? What it boils down to for me, is how important it is for parents to be able to talk to their teens about everything, including the way they dress.
JM_Mom: I have a similar question. My 4 year old will sit in front of his plate the whole time we are eating, then get upset when we want to leave the table,since he has no one to eat with. Do I take the food away after we are done?
Barbara_Meltz: JM mom, If he's You mean he's just slow to eat? Is it possible you're just too fast? No, I wouldn't take the plate away, and, if possible, I would even make a point for one adult to remain at the table with him -- or to find a way to carve out some unidivided adult time elsewhere in the day. If he's doing this for (negative) attention, that would help.
newmum: We've started trying to establish a bedtime routine for our 5-month-old: changing, bedtime story, nursing, then putting him in his crib, talking for a few minutes, then saying goodnight. He doesn't cry, but sometimes it takes him an hour to fall asleep. I always feel like I'm abandoning him after leaving the room. Is it too early to start this sort of routine?
Barbara_Meltz: newemum, It's not too early to start a routine, esp such a nice one. That he's lying in the crib awake for an hour suggests to me that you are starting the routine a little too early. Try starting 15 minutes later, and see if that makes a difference. And if that doesn't work, keep adding five minute increments.
kp: Hi, My son is 15 months old and refuses to eat any vegetables. He ate green beans and carrots a few months back and since then he refuses to eat any. Please help. Thank you.
Barbara_Meltz: KP, Back off! Young children go in and out of phases where they like a particiular food for a while and then hate it. Maybe it's the color or the smell or the texture or the way it sits next to the food on the plate. The crazier you make yourself, the crazier you'll make him. Put a healthy balanced meal in front of him, always including something you know he likes, and then let it go. Give him enough time to eat, but don't push particular foods on him, and don't worry about what he doesn't eat. As long as he's healthy and thriving, in the course of a week he will get what he needs. Also, it takes many times of seeing a "new" food -- sometimes as many as 70 times -- before it's no longer new!
softie: hi barbara & thanks for chatting! my 4 yr old has lately not been listening too well, she seems to focus less readily when we are doing things, and seems to be paying less attention in group settings like dance class or her preschool. is it a developmental stage
Barbara_Meltz:- Softie, It's possible it's a stage, possible she's distracted for other reasons. I'd chat with her prschool teacher -- what do they think? -- and also examine other aspects of her life. Is something going on in the family that may be distracting or worrying her? A sick grandparent? A distracted/depressed parent? Is she over-scheduled? Not getting enough sleep? Are you expecting too much from her? There are all kinds of reasons that could explain this. But if you are saying that she is capable of listening and focusing better, then I would assume it's not an organic problem, and look to the environment. Maybe she doesn't like the dance class? Maybe she's too tired to be there? I would ask a 4-year-old: "I've noticed you seem to have a hard time sitting still in dance class. I wonder why?"
momrunsfast: Greetings - I have a nine year old daughter in third grade. She's got lots of friends in school and as far as I can tell is well-liked. We want to give her a birthday party. We were able to settle on a dozen kids, a mix of kids from her class this year and in years past. At what age do we give our daughter more control over the guest list? This year we wrangled about a couple of kids - mostly because my daughter was afraid that a particular child would ask her why she invited so and so. How much of developing her social circle do we take on, as parents, and how much should be up to her at this point? How do we handle kids who weren't invited (but are liked?) and, what to do about the worry about the little girl who my daughter is worried about questioning her choices?
Barbara_Meltz: momrunsfast, Bday parties are stressful! And guest lists are one reason why. Some parents have a rule that the entire class of boys/girls to be included, and they enlist other parents to do the same. When that works, it's very nice. (I know some independent schools suggest that.) In general, however, I think by third grade, a child should be in control of the list, with input from parents. For instance, you can set a limit on what the ultimate number should be, or the kind of party you are willing to host.
mom23: My son who turned two in September has speech difficulty. He was assessed for the early intervention and they said he did not qualify but did identify speech difficulty and offered some home techniques. We have tried but still not much progress, should I be proactive and would you recommend speech therapy at this time?
Barbara_Meltz: mom23, I would be as proactive as possible and get whatever help you can with this. Not that many years ago, the thiknng was to give a child time. The lastest thinking is that the earlier kids are idenitifed and receive therapy, the better. I've seen first-hand the difference this can make. I can't say yes or no to therapy without know the specifics, but in general, I would say yes assuming it's someone who has experience working with children this age. That's critical.
onlyone: My 5 year old daughter will never dress warm enough on cold days, she always wants to wear short sleaves and sandles any suggestions?
Barbara_Meltz: Onlyone, Makes you crazy, right?! This is a perfect time to use natural consequences. What's the worst that's going to happen if she goes out in sandals? She'll get cold, right? And either come back in and change, or not wear sandals the next time. Assuming, however, that you didn't make it too hard for her, and aren't a told-you-so kind of parent. I would stop the battles over this, tell her she's in charge of her own body (an important lesson), she's a person with good jugement and you trust that if she's cold, she'll use that good judgement to change or dress differently next time. You might also give her the facts about how skin gets numb and red if it's exposed to too much cold for too long, and that's why people wear boots, etc.
Momma_D: With regards to Lincoln Sudbury, one thing I'm hearing in the news is the various "one off" conversations that kids had with him that were just weird. I'm hearing that the kids should have spoken up about these conversations. How to we encourage such communication while still balancing lessons about NOT gossiping and not tattling and not making more out of just a "weird" conversation.
Barbara_Meltz: Momma D, I think this is the trickiest issue of all. I think you hit the nailon the head: it's a balancing act. As parents/teachers, we need to give teens some specific, concrete ways to recognize that something is amiss, give them the confidence to trust their own judgement, and also keep the lines of communication open so they know they can come to us when something feels weird and bounce it off us.
Robin: My son is 7, and I'm expecting my 2nd child in late May. Since we told him about the baby, he doesn't want to sleep in his room alone anymore. He's been sleeping in Mommy/Daddy's bedroom floor (in a "makeshift" bed of comforters) for a couple months. He also started first grade this year (missed the cutoff by 8 days last year). I don't want to add anxiety or jeopardize his schoolwork (we tried the tough love one night, not fun), do you think this is a "phase" and most likely will ween off once his sister comes? Thanks.
Barbara_Meltz: Robin, this strikes me as a kiid who has been the sole focus of parents for 7 years and is anticipating that he will have less of you. Have you talked with him about what will be the same/what will be different after the baby? I would spend some time off and on giving him the chance to voice his thoughts, and to validate that it will be different; that babies cry a lot in the beginning and demand a lot of attention, but that one thing that won't change is how much you love him. I would also promise, and make good on, finding time each day to be alone with him. The other psosiblity opf course, is that he's sleeping in your room for reasons that have nothing to do with the baby coming. And that needs a conversation, too: Why do you think you are not interested in sleeping in your room anymore? I would try to help him re-orient to his own room; at 7, he's old enough to talk about things and to be reasonalbe. The goal I would make is for him to go to sleep in his room and come to your room in the night if he needs to (including after the baby arrives) but this is iaprocess that may take time, and it needs to be done in increments with him setting the increments. Try setting up a weekly schedule after you agree on the goal.
meri: Today's report of the tragic shooting at Lincoln Sudbury high school states that the aggressor was taking medication for Asperger's Syndrome. I am not aware that there is a medication for Asperger's Syndrome. Perhaps some further research needs to be done to see if there is another problem with this young man that required the medication before giving all Aspberger kids a bad rep. I am under the belief that an Asperger kid is capable of spontaneous acts of violence however it would not be planned enough in advance to bring in a weapon.
Barbara_Meltz: Meri, I'm not aware of meds for Asperger's either. Is anyone else? Some kids With Asperger's have other issues as well, and take medication for that. My udnerstanding is that Asperger's kids typically are not violent. There are a lot of unanswered questions here.
Mason: Hi Barbara, Any advice on how to deal with obstinate 4.5 year old who barely listens until my wife and/or I get furious? It has become very frustrating trying to control him. Nothing short of a spank or threat of a spank phases him, which is not how I want to be parenting. He is an absolute angel when he wants to be, but the other times are unbearable.
Barbara_Meltz: Mason, One reason kids test the limits to that extent is because the limit-setting has been inconsistent in the past. Do you often/sometimes/ever say something and then not follow through? Do you allow a behavior one day, and then not the next? Inconsistencies of any kind can be very confusing for kids. I would absolutely urge you NEVER to threaten to spank and or to spank. Email me after the chat for columns on alternative strategies for discipline so you can move away from even thinking about spanking!
Jsmom: My mother in law is about to pass away from cancer, and we are in the stages of planning the funeral and wake. Our daughter is eight and a half years old. We think she can handle going to the wake for a little while, and plan to send her home with my parents, but have her go to the funeral. She went to her grandfathers funeral three years ago. What is your thinking on kids and wakes? She has seen her grandmother all the time, and knows she is "getting ready for Heaven", as we call the process of dying. We answer questions when she asks them, and don't push. Incidentally, last night was the last time she saw her grandma, as we want her to remember her talking and smiling. Are we handling this ok?
Barbara_Meltz: Jsmom, I would give her choices. Does she want to go to the wake? Does she want to go to the funeral? I think it's important for children, even younger than this, to feel they are part of the family, and therefore to be able to go to funerals as long as some caring adult is with them at all times, especially if the parents will be too upset. It's also important to talk about what she will see/hear. That she went to a funeral 3 years ago doesn't itself make her able to go to this one. At different stages of development, kids understand things differently. And wakes are very different. If you think she can handle it, she probably can,but I would still talk about what it will be like, and then ask her what she thinks. That itself can be pressure for her: she won't want to not go if she thinks you want her to go, and vice versa. So you really need to be able to give her permission to go either way. I've written a column about kids and fuenrals, I don't remember what I said about wakes, but feel free to email me afte the chat for a copy of it.
knatick: My son was friends with James Alenson while he lived in Natick. I told him of the tragedy and he has had very little emotion and does not mention it. I am wondering what is going on.
Barbara_Meltz: knatick, I would go back at this again with him, especially after a day at school today when people will have been talking about it. I'd say, "There must have been other people at school today who were remembering James Alenson. What was that like?" If he still has nothing to say, I'd tell him: "you know, I 've been t hinking about this a lot and I didn't really know him, so I'm guessing you '
Barbara_Meltz: re thinking about him, too. You don't sseem to want to talk about it now, but if you cahnge your mind and want to talk about, I'm available." I'd try again in a day or two. And if that doesn't do it, and assuming you have no reason to think he's in any emotional danger, I might leave a note on his pillow, in the hopes of establishing a writing dialogue, something along the lines of, When I go to sleep at night, I'm wondering what you're thinking about once knowing a boy who has been murdered. It's making me worried that you don't want to talk about it. Can you write me about it?"
momrunsfast: They are stressful! Any thoughts about this girl my daughter is worried about? They have clashed in the past. It doesn't seem right that a child would worry about what another third-grader thought about her invitation list. I thought we would have a few more years before dealing with social power like this...thanks!
Barbara_Meltz: momrunsfast: I hahte to be the one to tell you, but it's not too soon. Preteen behaviors, including a lot of social Stuff, happens now. Even at the age, girls can be nasty to each other. Eamil me for a column on how young these social behaviors can begin and what they look like.
Barbara_Meltz: Chat time is over, gotta go! Sorry for questions I didn't get to. Join me again on Feb 5.
RRR: Hi Barbara, Do you believe in spanking your children?
Barbara_Meltz: RRR. No, never!!
