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MESSAGE BOARD
Are friends the new family? Discuss 'Urban Tribes' Read an excerpt from "Urban Tribes" Author Ethan Watters chats today at 11 a.m.
Page 1 Not a member of an "urban tribe." Note that the sampling is skewed. If you hang out with single, 20-30 somethings, you're going to get a different perspective than if your circle of friends and colleagues are married. Virtually everyone I know 35 or older are married, with a 50/50 split from 28 up. It's not that people aren't getting married, just those who subscribe to the "urban tribe" hypothesis. Fred, Boston I've read some articles about "Urban Tribes" and I think that this is extremely true for people in their 20s. As a 25 year old, single female in Boston, I can relate to the feeling of belonging to an urban tribe. I have a group of about 10 people (men and women) that I spend time with on a regular basis. I see these people at least once a week all together--and 3 or 4 times a week with just a few of them. My parents and family all live thousands of miles away, so these people have become my family in Boston. They all serve different roles in my life--but they are all my friends, and I'm protective of everyone of them. It's critical that anyone I date or have a relationship get along with these people. In fact I ended up losing interest in the last guy I was dating because he only wanted to hang out with his group of friends (similar to mine) but he was not willing to be a part of my group of friends. I would rather be with my group--then play the girlfriend to someone else in their group. It was the main issue I had with him, and why things didn't work out. Courtney, Medford I think that the Urban Tribe thing is definately relevant to my life. As a 22 year old graduate in Boston, I have no desire to get married. If I meet the right woman, I'll likely just stick around with her, but with 60% of new marriages ending in divorce, I see no reason to test the math. We're entering a new era of personal freedom, and I hardly feel like conforming to the small town American values that have captivated my parents. They're damn near 60, sleep in different beds. They're trapped by home payments and my brothers in college, and it's just sad to see them like that. When I'm 60, I'll be rich, childless, with my own pad, mark my words...and I wouldn't have it any other way. Ty, Boston For probably the first 10 years after college, my friends were everything to me. Although I could always depend on my family, I didn't confide in them all the pitfalls of being a single 20 something. My friends both related and provided support through stress over jobs, relationships, etc. Now that I'm settled down, I have less contact with many of them, though the friendships continue. Sandy, Plymouth I agree with Fred's comments regarding the skewed demographics. It's a completely different story with the over 30 crowd... Mark, Foxboro What I want to know is where do these people find time to be in an Urban Tribe? I am also a twenty something who balks at marrige but with working full time and an active lifestyle I barely have time for my boyfriend let alone 10 other people. Ren, Malden We call ourselves "The Tribe" because of Watter's article. We were friends in college and have remained close for nine years and counting. Our lives have lead us to live in various corners of the globe, so the four of us don't get to be in the same physical location more than a few times a year. But we keep in touch religiously via email, sometimes up to 30 messages a day. Marcella , Medford I believe that the concept of friends as the new family is right on-the-money. Urban values have changed dramatically and many are finding comfort in the consistancy of a group of close friends. Job changes, the economy, the state of the world including terrorism have all had impact on present day values. Many of my friends question the wisdom of populating this already over-populated world with children and the truth is, the older we get, the less likely it is to happen. The older we get, the more set in our ways we become and thus probably less likely to be willing to make room for someone permanent (marriage). Friends fill the gap! Kevin , Quincy I just read this excerpt and I do have to say that marriage today is a different ballgame than it was many years ago. For one, I think many women now contemplate what their options are and don't automatically assume it's just marriage. With that said, marriage has become a search of the perfect soul mate making our expectations higher and sometimes unrealistic. As for the urban tribe, I definitely belong to one. Being originally from the West Coast, the friendships I've developed since school have become synonymous with family. Many of my friends whose ages range from 25-30 don't seem to idealize the institution of marriage. Instead, many of them are looking for a relationship that is fulfilling to their needs and ideals. Although I've heard many say that they are too independent and "too busy", there is still a flicker in their eyes that having someone special is still a focus. The only difference is that they are not willing to admit it out loud for fear they may sound too traditional. What do I think? People have become too embarrassed to admit they have feelings and instead use cynicism of romance as their defense.Eva, Boston I don't think you have to be single to belong to a tribe, I used to belong to an urban tribe, even while married, now I live in the "country" and have a new tribe, whom I love just as much. Yes, we are all under 35, but most of us are actually married, and that commonality allows us to have something to unite the group. I know that when we all start families and get busier, things may change, but for now, I am very lucky to have these people around me. They have taken care of me through some horrible times. In an age where people decry the lack of community in this modern world, where families live far apart because of jobs, it's nice to know that some people, somewhere, will be not only good freinds, but are good citizens of the world by taking care of those around them. And my friends have certainly done that for me. Hopefully, when we all start having kids we can still have that sense of community. I know I'll need it! gg, northampton
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