Husband's silence is affecting their marriage

Dear Margo:

I have a difficult problem and I need an outsider's help , as I wouldn't want friends or family to know. My husband is a very quiet man, and when I say quiet, I mean that he can go for days without having a conversation.

It doesn't seem to bother him, but it bothers me. We discussed this before we got married, and he said that he would open up but asked me not to push him. If I try to start a conversation, often I only get a shrug or a grunt in return.

This is affecting everything in our marriage. Our sex life is suffering because he doesn't talk to me all day and then just rolls over and wants sex. I don't feel loved or appreciated; it's like I am a piece of furniture that cooks, cleans, and takes care of the kids.

I am not happy and don't know how to make things better.

GETTING THE SILENT TREATMENT I have a hunch your friends and family already know your husband doesn't speak. Forget how your life looks to others. The important thing is to solve this problem -- one way or the other.

Tell him conversation is going to become part of his life, either with you, a therapist, or a divorce lawyer. No one should have to go through life with a partner who shrugs and grunts, while expecting sex on demand, cooking, cleaning, and child-care services.

Dear Margo:

Fifteen years ago, when I was just out of college, I married a man for all the wrong reasons. He was a few years older, thoughtful, and understanding. Less than a year later, I was unfaithful and left him.

He wanted the marriage, and for reasons both cultural (Japanese) and religious, he viewed divorce as shameful. We broke off contact even before the divorce was final, so I lost track of him long ago. I don't know if he's dead or alive, and I can't begin to imagine how my actions affected him.

I've been happily remarried for 10 years, and I don't harbor any romantic notions about him, but I cringe when I think of my immature, heartless behavior. Part of me is tempted to try to find him, to offer apologies. Part of me thinks that seeking redemption is selfish and I should leave it alone.

As I can't decide how I feel, I haven't broached the subject with my current husband. He knows I have regrets about that time, so I think he would support any decision I made. What do you think?

AMBIVALENT I well understand the desire to put things right, or at least to apologize for behavior that you are not proud of. I would not recommend it, however, for you have no idea where he is, or how he is.

I doubt your regret would do him any good now, as one would assume his hurt healed some time ago. You might just be reintroducing painful memories. Sometimes seeking redemption is like confessing; it's really for the benefit of the person initiating it.

Let it be, and be thankful that maturity has softened you.

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