Turned On

I'm thinking about skinny-dipping. It's on my mind because I'm newly single and trying to figure out what makes men tick. On Match.com you find the question, "What turns you on . . . and off?" It's followed by 16 choices: dancing, power, money, candlelight, long hair, thunderstorms, and so on. You're out of luck if you don't like the choices, because there's no fill-in-the-blank. The computer uses this and other data to match people up. On the list of choices, a turn-on that many men check off, and that most women don't, is skinny-dipping. The two sexes are poles apart in so many other ways. Why would turn-ons be any different?

Potato, potahto. Tomato, tomahto. I don't want to call the whole matchmaking thing off. But I would like to get a handle on the skinny-dipping question. Because if I can understand what excites men, then maybe I'll have a better chance of actually connecting with someone worth spending time with in and out of the water. I know what turns women on. I have ready sources of information - my sisters, friends, and officemates - and we talk about these things. Of course, women are turned on by playful, liberating, and fun things like flirting, just as men are. But what excites women? What excites me? And how come my turn-ons aren't on the list?

I did some research. I went onto Match. com, looked at 100 men and 100 women randomly selected between the ages of 45 and 60, and studied the turn-on and turnoff data. I chose baby boomers because I am one. Where do men's and women's fantasies mesh and clash? I'll preface this by saying that only half of the 100 women surveyed even bothered to fill out the turn-on section of the online profile at all. However, every single one of the men filled it out. Why do men put it out there, for all to see, and how come women don't? It's not because women don't get turned on. Maybe we're uncomfortable sharing intimacies with strangers in cyberspace. And maybe the turn-ons Match. com has to offer - thunder and body piercings, erotica and tattoos - were dreamed up by guys and just don't do much for women. My guess is if you added things like laughter, flowers, and conversation to the list of turn-on choices, women would be checking off the items faster than you could say the word "excite."

Topping the Match.com list of turn-ons for both men and women, according to my research, are flirting, candlelight, and dancing. We match up perfectly on this score. Both sexes are also turned on by boldness, brainiacs, and public displays of affection. It's after this that we part company. Three times as many boomer men as women find erotica to be a turn-on. And more than twice as many men as women are turned on by skinny-dipping.

Of course this makes sense if you think about John Gray's classic self-help book Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus. One of Gray's key messages is that men and women have different primary love needs. Women need respect; men need appreciation. Women need devotion; men need admiration. We're far apart in love sometimes - in real life and in our fantasy lives - because we speak different languages and come from different places. Maybe that helps explain the skinny-dipping disconnect.

What's skinny-dipping about, anyway? It's about letting go and taking the plunge. It's about feeling free as a bird and great in your own skin. We all dream about that, don't we? Men and women alike and people of all ages - those with perfect bodies, with middle-aged spread, and whose bodies have borne a child or three and have the lifelines to prove it.

It's a warm day somewhere far from here, and the water's beckoning. It's just the two of us on the dock, and there's early morning light. Would I like to be able to take my clothes off in front of the man I love, see in his eyes that he thinks I look beautiful, and jump in? You betcha. Now that's a turn-on, even if I didn't check it off on the list.

Marianne Jacobbi lives in Cambridge. Send comments to coupling@globe.com.