Sexual Ebbs & Flows

Nessa writes:

My boyfriend of 6 months and I are kinda struggling right
now. At first the sex was great, and then he came out with "you treat me like your whore" b/c my sex drive was really high. Now, I am afraid to initiate anything for fear that he will feel used. So now our sex life has really suffered a great deal. For me, the sex was an affirmation of his love, which it seems we women do on a regular basis. For him, it seems like a lot less. He is always telling me he loves me, but it doesn't seem like he is into "making love"
just having raw sex when we do. It makes me feel used and like it is only ok to have sex when he wants it, and that my needs were never important. Now he is getting upset that I don't seem attracted to him anymore. How do we fix this. I am still attracted to him, but I think that I am having a hard time believing he really loves me. Is there a way we can fix this problem?

Dear Nessa:

It seems like your boyfriend is putting you in one of those--damned if you do, damned if you don't--kind of situations. On the one hand, when you were having frequent, passionate sex with him, he felt like you were just using him as some kind of a disposable sex toy. On the other hand, in response to his feeling this way, you have since ramped down the sexual component of the relationship, but this has created an entirely new problem, which is that he now seems to think your attraction to him isn't what it once was.

I think the way you attempt to fix this is by tying to work out a mutually agreeable compromise here--one based on openness and honesty--as regards both of your respective feelings and needs when it comes to physical intimacy (which is a high-falutin' two word substitute for the more direct, one word synonym, "sex"). I think you guys can ultimately deal with this issue because it sounds as if you have more than just a sexual connection with him, even though, right now anyway, this is the area causing friction between the two of you.

Again, get yourselves on the same page communication wise about what it is each of you want sexually, for until this occurs, a workable resolution will be hard to come by.

More Random Observations

I can't quite put my finger on it exactly, but all sudden, Katie Couric has gotten, like, really sexy.

Everyone has that one ex whom you’ll never, ever really get over, even if you end up happily married to someone else for the next fifty years.

Don’t you wish there was such a thing as a “Do Over” card for a date that you screwed up completely--because you were too nervous to just be yourself and relax--with someone whom you were really into?

I don’t buy it when a drop-dead, gorgeous woman complains on tv that she’s so horribly lonely because guys are too afraid to come up to her to ask her out. No, not with all those guys out there who would ask a telephone pole out for a cup of coffee if they thought there would be sex in it for them afterwards.

That really was a great line the other night at the Oscars when, after George Clooney won his Academy Award, Jon Stewart said of him, “Now he can get laid.”

Maybe it’s just me, but all high-end salon, female hairstylists are really sexy.

The whole, “He's Just Not Into You” thing, is now officially OVER!

Isn’t it always a relief when you call someone for the first time whose number you got at a club, and they actually answer (meaning no fake number)?

Don’t you feel like really, really low when it is a fake number?

Why do I always immediately think of Owen Wilson anytime I see a guy with overly coiffed blonde hair?

My girlfriend recently let it slip out that during the height of the "Livin' La Vida Loca" craze she had a really big Ricky Martin love jones. Yep, it's true.

Hollywood has yet to make a movie about a regular, everyday gay couple. The "Birdcage" was over the top ludicrous and "Brokeback Mountain" was overwrought by half.

Any man who wears a button-down sweater with elbow patches--think Mr. Rodgers-unnecessarily ages himself by at least 10 years.

If more guys realized that most women aren't into guys with 22-inch necks, Muscle & Fitness magazine would quickly lose a lot of its subscribers.

When Elizabeth Taylor married that unemployed construction worker guy, Larry Fortensky, whom she met in rehab, that was cool. You go, Liz! (By the way, if you're looking for a comparable but more modern day pairing, pop princess Britanny Spears and her ne'er-do-well husband Kevin Federline come mighty darn close.)

Fame is a definite aphrodisiac. The fact that Clay Aiken and Mick Jagger are considered sex symbols proves the point beyond all doubt.

Did you know that an NYU coed recently got a book published the basis of which was her saying yes to every guy who asked her out during the course of one entire semester. (The book is called "The Year of Yes," and was written by Maria Headley.)

I suppose if Ms. Headley had chosen to say no to evey guy who had asked her out, there would have been no book deal--"The Year of No" just doesn't have the same ring to it.

While women will often resort to downing a half gallon of Haagen Daz chocolate chip ice cream in one sitting as a means of consoling themselves in the immediate aftermath of a painful break-up, men, not so much.

Do you ever feel like you just want to smack Dr. Phil upside the head? (Relatedly, is this the guy who should be making millions off lecturing others on how to lose weight?)

The Importance Of A Good Woman

It struck me the other night, as my girlfriend and I went out to dinner with a stock broker friend of mine, that it really is weird how some people who are completely incompatible can nonetheless make for a great couple. I say this because my friend Drew is the epitome of what it means to be a type A personality. Granted, he is not quite as high strung a guy as, say, CNBC financial and investing guru Jim Cramer (then again, who really is? BOOYAH!), but suffice it to say, Drew’s motor runs on all cylinders every waking moment.

His girlfriend of two years now, Katie , however, is another story entirely. She’s your typical Mid-Western woman: polite, soft-spoken and absolutely without an ounce of guile (she’s also pretty hot-looking, too). I’ve known them both for as long as they’ve been dating, and if anyone would have asked me at the outset of their becoming a couple if they’d still be together today, I would have answered absolutely in the negative. I just thought Drew was going to quickly end up finding her, not only too boring, but unable to deal with his aggressive and prickly side, which, and this is just the amateur psychologist in me speaking, is a manifestation/defense mechanism related to his admittedly stressful and competitive line of work

Surprisingly enough, though, this has not proven to be the case. Not by a long shot. In fact, when he’s with her, Drew is like a completely different guy than from how you might find him to be at the office or when he’s out with just us guys alone. Maybe it’s because he has truly found his calming influence soul mate in her, but when Katie is in the picture, gone are Drew’s staccato and declamatory way of talking as well as his sometimes confrontational approach to interacting with others (which, at 6'3'', 220, Drew can get away with rather easily. It's kind of like imagining a guy like Bill O'Reilly, let's say, being the in your face Bill O'Reilly we've all come to know, except picture him trying to pull off his well worn tough guy schtick if he were 5'6" instead of 6'4", which he is by the way. Can't do it, right? Thought so). In her presence, he magically morphs into a noticeably softer-edged version of himself (think Tony Soprano on his best behavior, in--please, oh, please forgive me, Carmella, for having yet another sex romp with one of the Bada-Bing girls--mode). Now, don’t get me wrong. At his core, Drew is a decent guy. It’s just that in this case, anyway, it really is true when they say: "Behind every good man stands a good woman."

More Celebrity Couples...

Ten Celebrity Couples You Will Never See:

1. Dennis Franz & Jennifer Lopez

2. Jim Carey & Angela Bassett

3. Billy Bob Thornton & Dame Judi Dench

4. Barry Manilow & Pink

5. Dennis Leary & Kelly Clarkson

6. Johnny Damon & Nancy Kerrigan

7. Eminem & Karena Gore-Schiff

8. Jamie Foxx & Martha Stewart

9. McCauley Caulkin & Sharon Stone

10. Tom Selleck & Rosie O'Donnell

The Ten Most Boring Celebrity Couples:

1. Julia Roberts & Danny Moder

2. Diane Sawyer & Mike Nichols

3. Paul Newman & Joanne Woodward

4. Ben Affleck & Jennifer Garner

5. Benjamin Bratt & Talisa Soto

6. Jerry and Jessica Seinfeld

7. Prince Charles & Camilla Parker Bowles

8. Sarah Jessica Parker & Matthew Broderick

9. Michelle Pfieffer & David E. Kelly

10. Howard Stern & Beth Ostrosky

Practicing What I Preach Redux

Marc writes:

Well, I saw a young lady since about 6 months ago whom i'm dearly interested in knowing. She has a nice smile, fair skin, white teeth, simple dressing. I Have never gone to talk to her yet, and have not heard her voice yet. I Have made eye contact with her on several occasions, and i'm sure she's noticed me watching her and even
'looking out' for her - she works on the ground floor in the same building as me, but for a different company. Over time, I've gotten to know her office hours, her different routes to and from home and the timings - either by bus or walking - and i've successfully 'bumped' into her few times.

Well, I hope you can me help me out.

Dear Marc:

I've got to tell you, buddy, that in another context, with the whole timing her bus route thing and knowing her office hours, well, some people might view that as somewhat..."stalkerish." In any event, because you do sound sincere in your interest in the young lady with the "nice smile, fair skin and white teeth," let me make a suggestion: Why don't you ASK HER OUT ALREADY?

It sure beats the very time consuming, thus far ineffective cloak and dagger routine. To give you a better understanding of why the direct approach just might be your better bet here, Marc, I am pasting at the end of my response to you a posting I wrote on this very subject just last Friday. I hope you find it helpful regarding your present love quest.

Practicing What I Preach:

Yesterday, I responded to a letter writer who was making flirtatious eye contact just about everyday with a guy she was attracted to on her crowded morning commute subway train. The crux of her letter was that she was reluctant to try and strike up a conversation with this guy for fear of being "rejected." Fair enough. My advice to her, however, was that life is basically about taking chances, and really, what could be the worst that would result if indeed she tried to chat him up and was rebuffed? A few seconds of awkwardness on the train each morning should she come in momentary contact with him?

Thinking about this later on in the day as I was about ready to leave work and myself hop aboard the Red Line on my way home, I decided to do what I advised this conflicted person to do, namely: start talking to a female passenger as close to my age as possible, not for the purpose of exchanging phone numbers or anything like that (something which I don't think would pass muster with my girlfriend), but simply to see what the response would be.

Accordingly, when I boarded the rather crowded train, I scoped out the people standing around me. (What's that? Something about obtaining a seat, you ask? Are you kidding--during rush hour? Forget about it!) As I did so, I noticed a petite, strikingly attractive Asian woman in her late 20's or early 30's, holding onto to the railing a few seats down from where I was standing. A little bit nervously, I must admit, I managed to sidle up to her. Being that she was one of those people who give off neither a friendly or unfriendly vibe, I initially didn't know what exactly I was going to say to her.

Then, mustering up whatever charm I have, I looked right at her, smiled and said, "And to think, for this, they want to raise the fares again?" She kind of looked at me for a second or two with this expression of "Why is this guy talking to me?" on her face, but then, when it finally registered on her that I indeed was directing my comments at her, she smiled back and said, "I know what you mean. Actually, if it wasn't so cold, I wouldn't even be taking the train, I usually walk to Copley Square and get a bus home from there."

She went on to tell me that she worked for an accounting firm in the Financial District, was originally from New York, and had just moved into a new apartment near Boston Medical Center. Though there was no romantic connection--which, again, was not my objective--I had a pleasant three stops running conversation with her, all because I took a little bit of initiative in the communication skills department.

I'll be the first to admit that my little experiment could have ended up with her not answering me or her saying something like, "Get away from me, you creep." But the point is, it didn't. The lesson, then: Sometimes life is good!

When Love And Sickness Collide

Just Wondering writes:

My question is in this world of e-mail, text messaging, is that an acceptable form of communication and closure?

Dear Just Wondering:

Based on the situation you describe in your letter, I don't think what's been going on regarding your boyfriend has absolutely anything at all to do with you. In fact, I think anyone who happened to find herself in the position of being his girlfriend these last several monthts, with the same issues at play, the trip, the text messaging issue, etc., would have been treated in the exact same way. In other words, this is all a reflection of his trying to deal with an obviously overwhelming and extremely stressful health crisis.

Everyone's different, and people respond to emotional turmoil in a multitude of ways depending upon temperment and personality factors. In the case of your boyfriend--and, I think you touched upon this in your letter rather perceptively--he has, to a great degree, chosen to deal with all that he is going through by shutting down and closing himself off from others, including yourself, even though you have tried to provide him with emotional support.

The other aspect to keep in mind as well is--and, again, you yourself mentioned this already--when it comes to guys and illness, many of them indeed view it as a challenge to their sense of masculinity. My sense is that one of the main reasons why your boyfriend has not been wanting to see you in person lately is that he may be going through feelings of despondency and inadequacy perhaps because his being sick has left him somewhat debilitated physically.

However, as he has not come right out and said to you directly that, look, I don't want to see you anymore or we need to break things off, I really think this relationship still has a chance. Further, given all that your boyfriend has been through, this whole, should he or shouldn't he have called, as opposed to text messaging you quandry, seems rather inconsequential at this point. What is of importance, however, is your finding a way to make it clear to him--should he be receptive to such a reaching out on your part--that regardless of his present physical and emotional condition, you still want to try and work things out. And, as I think about it, it does seem that an email or text message to convey such a heartfelt sentiment is entirely inappropriate. Accordingly, keep trying to reach him by phone. I'm sure if you're persistent you will eventually get through to him. When you do, make a strong and compelling case for reconnecting with him in person, with the intimitation that this is something you look forward to greatly.

Best of luck to you and your boyfriend!

Online Dating For Every Persuasion

Are you looking to find a mate online but not getting anywhere using traditional sites like match.com of Lavalife? Well, there's good news for you because there are now dozens of sites offering the chance to qualify your search as niche focused as your beats to its own drummer heart desires. Check 'me out:

Looking for the "Bubba-sized" man of your dreams? Well, you can find him on redneckandsingle.com.

Other specialized sites are bringing together Harley lovers (motorcycledating.com); the Stray Cats crowd (rockabillydating.com); and the heavy ink oriented (tattoedsingles.com).

Do you love Ayn Rand's the "Fountainhead?" If the answer is yes, then you can hook-up iwth other of her fanatical acolytes on atlasphere.com.

Into science and nature are you. Go to sciconnect.com where you can chat with other like minded singles.

For all of you single, self-admitted geeks out there, there's gk2gk.com.

Are you a hot and bothered "Beam me up, Scotty" type? If you need to turn off your phaser berfore replying, then go to trekpassions.com.

Goths, punks and vampires can find their ghoul connection on sites such as gothloveonline.com or the pagan site mind-n-magick.com.

Sites such as LDSsingles.com (for Latter-Day Saints), baptistfriends.com and the well known JDate.com for Jewish singles follow the age old tradition of narrowing the romantic field by religious orientation.

Still other sites are devoted to the disabled and mentally ill, including disabledworld.com, specialsingles.com and nolongerlonely.com.

Is hooking-up at the gym more your speed? Try fitness-singles.com and cyclingsingles.com.

And, believe it or not, theres even a lovematch link on FOX-TV pundit Sean Hannity's webpage called "Hannidate" where "people of like conservative minds come together to meet."

Last, asexualpals.com is a service for men and women who, get this, are not into having sex, but are just looking for platonic relationships. (Yeah, right, whatever you say.)

A "G-Shot" For The G-Spot

Considering that collagen is being used in all manner of plastic surgery procedures these days, it shouldn't be the least bit surprising to find out that women now have the option of having it injected into the G-Spot. Called the "G-Shot," this latest surgical use of collagen is the pet project of Dr. David Matlock, Beverly Hills (where else?) OB-GYN, laser surgeon and passionate defender of a woman's "right to orgasm," (which to the best of my knowledge, and this is purely from a legalistic perspective, is nowhere to be found in the Constitution. But I digress.)

At a cost of $1,800, the G-Shot is exactly what it sounds like: a shot of collagen to the G-Spot, which temporarily enlarges the area, making it easier to locate. After an initial consultation--during which Dr. Matlock first leaves the woman alone in the exam room to find her G-Spot (how nice of him!)--he injects her with a local anesthetic and then administers the collagen injection. The procedure takes less than half an hour.

"If a woman comes in at lunchtime, she'll be he here 20 minutes," says Dr. Matlock.

While Dr. Matlock's quick-fix sex shot may sound like just another expansion of the the ever growing cosmetic surgery menu, it does present one major difference: This procedure is all about utility, not vanity--while the functionality of the G-Spot is improved, no one is actually going to notice any changes to this area aesthetically.

Dr. Matlock presents himself as an ardent feminist, fighting for the rights of women to have their intimacy needs represented in what up until now has been an almost entirely male dominated marketplace.

"If you look in the 'Physicians' Desk Reference' guide, there are 18 different types of medications for men for sexual dsysfuntion," he says. "Is there anything remotely similar for women? They have been left behind in this whole sexual-function business."

Not everyone, however, thinks Dr. Matlock's G-Sot is such a great idea. Sex therapists in particular are skeptical about the merits of sticking a needle into into such a nerve-rich area of the body.

"Intuitively, I would shy away from injecting anything into the G-Spot," says Laura Berman, a sex therapist whose new book is "The Passion Prescription." "We don't know the long-term effects," she cautions.

Berman adds that the benefits of the G-Shot can actually be had more naturally. "You can achieve the same ends with some education and pelvic strength. If you strengthen your muscles and learn how to utilize them, you're essentially doing the same thing."

An additional advantage to following the "do it yourself" approach is that you have the ability to turn it off and on--unlike the G-Shot, which keeps the patient in a state of near-constant arousal for four months. (And the problem with that is?)

Ultimately, Berman says, "It depends on your philosophy: Are you a person who would rather get liposuction than work out?"

Dr. Matlock counters that there will always be those who desire instant gratification. And word of his new procedure is indeed spreading, especially among the younger female clientele, that the G-Shot makes for one wild ride.

"I get women 21, 22-years-old coming in, and I ask them why they want it," says Dr. Matlock. "And they say, Doctor, I just wanna freak! Women want to have the best sexual experience posssible. I see this as huge. Mark my words."

Parenthood & Depression (The News Isn't Good)

You know that old expression, "A new baby is a bundle of joy?" Well, guess what, it's not. According to a recent study by Florida State and Vanderbilt universities and published in teh American Sociological Association's Journal of Health and Social Behavior, people with children exhibit higher levels of depression than those who are childless. This fact held true whether the kids were toddlers or had long been out of the home, living as adults on their own. While the researchers did find that parents with young kids--those under 18--were less depressed than parents of older, adult children, they were still more depressed than their barren peers.

And there was no gender gap: Both men and women appear to be equally afflicted. Interestingly, the research showed that stepparents tend to be spared the higher rates of depression and, as a result, have more in common with the childless sample of the study. Further--and with all due apologies to all those biological mothers and fathers out there--the researchers could find no instance where being a parent provided any sort of ongoing, tangible emotional lift. Even when the nest is finally empty and the parents supposedly have newfound peace and quiet, it seems their children still continue to cause them enough angst to sour a mood.

She's Learning To Listen

NikkiML8 writes:

I have been reading books on how to listen better and trying to work at this character flaw I've come to recognize. So now I'm stuck. He and I haven't spoken in a week and I really want to let him know how sorry I am for never listening to him. If we don't get back together it is ok, but i really thinks he deserves to have his feelings aknowledged and know that after all this time I finally understand where he was coming from all that time. He has called my roommate to check on me and see how I am doing. But he hasn't called me yet. I know he cares for me deeply but is very upset and needs his time. I have written a letter expressing my feelings and remorse for my actions, but I am reluctant to send it. How much time should I give? Is there any hope moving forward? Will he forgive me? I'm so sorry.

Dear NikkiML8:

I commend you, Nikki, for having such a sense of self regarding this "character flaw" about not listening to others. You really sound kind of beaten down though right now, and I just want to tell you that if this is the very worst aspect of your personality, you are very far from being a bad person. I feel a strong need to get this point across to you because not only are you blaming yourself exclusively over how things have been going with your boyfriend, but so is he as well as your own father! In other words--and I hate to sound hokey here--I think you need to give yourself a bit of a break in the "I'm a really, really terrible person" department. After all, it's not like you cheated on him or stole his money or went around telling all your friends that he's horrible in bed.

Look, given that you are truly remorseful and his calling your roomate to see how you are doing, yes, send him the letter immediately. Hopefully, your doing so will lead to a reconciliation, one which will be further enhanced by the realization--and this certainly doesn't apply just to you but to each and every one of us--that pesonal growth, especially in terms of how we interact with the important people in our lives, is what life is all about.

Practicing What I Preach

Yesterday, I responded to a letter writer who was making flirtatious eye contact just about everyday with a guy she was attracted to on her crowded morning commute subway train. The crux of her letter was that she was reluctant to try and strike up a conversation with this guy for fear of being "rejected." Fair enough. My advice to her, however, was that life is basically about taking chances, and really, what could be the worst that would result if indeed she tried to chat him up and was rebuffed? A few seconds of awkwardness on the train each morning should she come in momentary contact with him?

Thinking about this later on in the day as I was about ready to leave work and myself hop aboard the Red Line on my way home, I decided to do what I advised this conflicted person to do, namely: start talking to a female passenger as close to my age as possible, not for the purpose of exchanging phone numbers or anything like that (something which I don't think would pass muster with my girlfriend), but simply to see what the response would be.

Accordingly, when I boarded the rather crowded train, I scoped out the people standing around me. (What's that? Something about obtaining a seat, you ask? Are you kidding--during rush hour? Forget about it!) As I did so, I noticed a petite, strikingly attractive Asian woman in her late 20's or early 30's, holding onto to the railing a few seats down from where I was standing. A little bit nervously, I must admit, I managed to sidle up to her. Being that she was one of those people who give off neither a friendly or unfriendly vibe, I initially didn't know what exactly I was going to say to her.

Then, mustering up whatever charm I have, I looked right at her, smiled and said, "And to think, for this, they want to raise the fares again?" She kind of looked at me for a second or two with this expression of "Why is this guy talking to me?" on her face, but then, when it finally registered on her that I indeed was directing my comments at her, she smiled back and said, "I know what you mean. Actually, if it wasn't so cold, I wouldn't even be taking the train, I usually walk to Copley Square and get a bus home from there."

She went on to tell me that she worked for an accounting firm in the Financial District, was originally from New York, and had just moved into a new apartment near Boston Medical Center. Though there was no romantic connection--which, again, was not my objective--I had a pleasant three stops running conversation with her, all because I took a little bit of initiative in the communication skills department.

I'll be the first to admit that my little experiment could have ended up with her not answering me or her saying something like, "Get away from me, you creep." But the point is, it didn't. The lesson, then: Sometimes life is good!

Random Observations

You know your are a couple when you don’t have to go out anywhere to have quality time together, but can enjoy an evening of just sitting together on the couch talking about mundane stuff like who did the laundry last.

It’s always awkward watching two people out on a date and you notice that one of them is trying way too hard to impress the other.

There’s always that brief “what’s wrong with this picture” moment when you notice a woman out on a date with a guy who is significantly shorter than she is. (If you’ve never personally seen such a phenomenon, check out recent tabloid photos of Nicole Kidman strolling about with Keith Urban, and you’ll know what I’m talking about.)

Does anyone really think that their parents are a sexy couple?

There would never be break-ups if people always remained on their first date best behavior throughout the entire length of a relationship.

It is true, women find it a turnoff when a guy orders just a salad on a first date.

Guys with whiny voices have a hard time wooing women over the phone.

Women with raspy voices--think Demi Moore--have an easy time wooing men over the phone.

Every woman should own at least one slinky black cocktail dress.

Every guy should own at least one great suit, preferably in black.

The Age Game

I guess because it's such a rarity, but I had to read the article twice just to make sure I hadn't read the age wrong the first time I hit upon it. The rarity to which I refer is when a man marries a much older woman, and the article I'm talking about is the one I came across a couple of weeks ago regarding the divorce of The English Patient star, Ralph Fiennes, age 43, and his 62-year-old wife, actress Francesca Annis.

There's just someting mentally jarring about picturing a guy like Ralph Fiennes, international move hunk, married to a woman in her 60's. Don't get me wrong, I am not suggesting that older woman aren't sexy, alluring and all that good stuff, but, let's face it, how often do you see a hot looking guy walking down the street in romantic holding hands mode with someone clearly old enough to be his mother? Right, not all that often, if indeed ever.

We all know that the reverse of this is quite common: The Donald & Melania, Michael Douglas & Catherine Zeta Jones, Anna Nicole Smith & her 89-year-old husband (oops, sorry about that, folks, he died), etc. Then again, we live in an era when age can seemingly be postponed if you have enough money to take advantage of all of the myriad surgical options for retaining one's youth, everything from Botox injections every three months to lipsuction if you gain so much as a quarter inch worth of cellulitic fat desposited on your inner thighs.

It truly is weird, especially for us guys, when we look at a really attractive woman--who we would swear is no more than in her mid 30's--only to find out that the object of our longing is a 68-year-old retiree visiting the grandkids from Florida, this vision of cosmetically enhanced loveliness brought to us courtesy of good old Dr. 90210.

Take A Chance, There's Nothing To It

Labruja211 writes:

It's so hard to meet people in this city. It's even more difficult to actually meet someone on a public bus or train. I see this same guy everyday. A few times we have sat next to each other. We seemed to exchange glances but how do you start a conversation in a crowded subway? Is there anything i should do? I thought about slipping him my number but if i'm rejected then i have to face him everyday. I should just forget about it. Any advice or similar situations?

Dear Labruja211:

Is the prospect of being rejected by a guy you see most days on a crowded subway train really so unbelievably overwhelming that you can't bring yourself to take a chance and, the next time that you see him, strike up a conversation the basis for which could be, "Boy this train sure is packed. I hate to be stuffed in here like this every day. By the way, my name is Labruja. What's yours?" Even if he were to reject you, the worst that would result from it is your possibly having a split-second's worth of awkward eye contact with him from time to time. So what? I say, go for it!

Dan Strongly Disagrees With Me

Dan writes:

I totally disagree with your response to Alejandro (Sidekick, March 1). You wrote:"Of course you are going to feel particularly down right now, because you have yet to find someone new". Wrong, wrong, wrong. Your advice sounds like that of a 12 year old. What's more, it was irresponsible. If a person continues to be pained and obsessive over an old boyfriend after a whole year, there may be something else going on- you should have urged Alejandro to seek professional help.

Dear Dan:

Before I respond to your letter, let me repost Alejandro's original query to me in its entirety so that people reading this will know what we're talking about:

How do I get him out of my mind? I'm a 20-year-old gay male. My first ex-boyfriend broke up with me almost year ago; he left me for a mutual friend. I still think about him a lot, even though we haven't spoken for so long. My question is how do I stop thinking about him? How can I really move on with my life and forget all this pain they put me through? Do you think I feel this way because I haven't found someone new? Thanks a lot.

While I appreciate your point of view, Dan, I don't agree with it. If everyone sought therapy to deal with the emotional letdown of a break-up, just about everyone would be in therapy. Further, in offering the response that I did, I took into consideration two other factors: 1. Alejandro's age; this was his first relationship experience at the age of 20. If he's like the rest of us, over the next several years he's going to experience many more ups and downs in the game of love. Rather than imply that a session with a mental health professional is necessarily what's required every time a relationship doesn't work out, I wanted Alejandro to understand that the pain he is experiencing is actually quite normal. Granted, if he had mentioned in his letter that he was having suicidal thoughts or anything along those lines, then, of course, I would have strongly urged him to seek counselling. 2. Alejandro himself seemed to be telegraphing to me that he would be able to get past this when he asked me, "Do you think I feel this way because I haven't found somene new?" In fact, I felt at the time of reading his letter--and still do today--that when Alejandro does reenter into a relationship with someone new in his life, his former boyfriend will undoubtedly become simply that to him--an ex.

Putting Out On A First Date

Someone wrote in to me recently asking if I would respect a woman who would "put out" on a first date. The answer is, no, I would not. But the question really shouldn't have been addressed to me or any other guy for that matter. Rather, the query would be more appropriately posed to any woman so inclined as to have sex with someone she's either just met or with a guy she's known for awhile but with whom she's on a date for the very first time.

Based on the aforementioned question about sex on a first date, I asked a few of my female friends what they thought. Here's what each of them had to say:

Lauren: "I think it just sends this really sleazy message to the guy. I mean, I would never sleep with someone I'd just had dinner with, let's say, on a first date situation. Sure, there are a lot of guys out there who are only looking for one thing, so, for them, they'd probably think they just hit the jackpot if a woman said, sure, let's do it, baby, if that's what you want. For me, I'd be so uncomfortable anyway, that for that reason alone, I wouldn't do it. I really would need to get to know a guy and have to feel comfortable with him, you know, before I'd consider our sleeping together.

Jamie: No, I've personally never had sex with a guy on a first date. But I certainly know many women who claim that they had a sexual experience of one kind or another with a guy they had just met. Usually their reason for doing so is because they said they were really into the guy or they felt that if they didn't sleep with him he wouldn't ever call them again. For me, I don't put that kind of pressure on myself. Yeah, there have been a few times I've thought about it, but I always come back to the whole not respecting myself in the morning issue. I guess I just think it falls into the only a slut would do that category. Of course, not everyone feels this way, and it's obviously up to each woman to decide for herself what's right for her.

Nicole: I've dated a lot of guys, and, yes, I have "put out," as you call it, from time to time on a first date. I guess I don't have a problem admitting this because, for me, sex is not like this taboo thing. If the situation is right, if the connection with the guy is there, and he's wanting it, then, yeah, sleeping with him after just meeting him is something I'd definitely consider. Sure, there have been times when I've kind of regretted it the next morning, but there have also been times when it just felt so right that the next day was like, wow, that was great, no guilt, no second thoughts about it at all. I think what it comes down to for most woman is their attitude about sex in general. The more open-minded you are and accepting of different lifestyles, let's say, that kind of thing, which is certainly the case in France, which is where I come from, then it really isn't such a big deal, whereas in the US it does seem to be more of an issue for a lot of women I know who don't have the kind of European sensibility about intimacy that predominates among women in that part of the world.

To add your thoughts on the subject, please go to my message board.

They Did It, So Can You

Anabelle and Tony, a Match.com Success Story couple, share how they did it—and how you can, too. Anabelle and Tony are a real success story—they met on Match.com and have been married for a year. Here’s how they met: While visiting her sister in California, Anabelle went online--just looking for friends. She wound up meeting Tony and, after just two weeks, knew he was The One and went back home to Texas just long enough to pack up. Six months after moving to be near Tony, he proposed on her birthday, and the rest is history! At a recent live chat, they talked about their experience and offered advice about online dating. (To read Anabelle and Tony's comments, please click on the link above.)

Loosen Up And Have Some Fun

Blehbli writes:

I’m 21 and need some advice. My situation is a bit different than most folks but here it goes. Basically I’m from Colombia and came to live in Boston about 10 years ago. Right now I commute to college in Boston and work at the same time. I have no other family except my brother in the U.S. and my mom passed away 2 years ago from cancer. All my life I’ve been kinda shy until the end of my high school years when I became somwehat more outgoing. I had to take a year off to stay with my mom and I lost track with friends from HS. Basically I’m trying to meet new people, friends and maybe date. However I live a bit far away in Mattapan--about an hour's drive--from the city (Boston), so I hardly ever take part in the downtonw social scene. I’ve tried to join clubs and things at my school, but I realize that I don’t click with most people for they are more into sports, parties… I prefer to explore the deeper things in life and question everything around me. Basically at the moment I have really no friends and nobody to really talk to. I’ve dated once and I guess I kinda miss that, but if anybody could give me some advice or something on how I could meet people, because I would love to be part of some type of social scene….

Dear Blehbli:

First, I am so sorry about your mother. Losing a parent is never easy, particularly when you find yourself in a different country from the one in which you were raised as a child.

Maybe one of the reasons you're having a difficult time establishing social connections, Blehbli, is that at least initially anyway, you might be giving off the wrong signals as far as "approachability" when it comes to meeting new people. For example, you mention in your letter that you "prefer to explore the deeper things in life and question everything around me." There's nothing wrong with this per se, but as the old expression goes, "Sometimes you have to go along to get along." In other words, I think it would be in your best interest to kind of "reposition" yourself socially. Instead of closing yourself off from large groups of potential friends & romantic partners by being perhaps on the aloof and even esoteric side, make an effort to expand your interest in and knowledge of--even if it's on a basic level--the type of things a good number of your peers are into, you know, music, movies and, yes, sports. I bet if you do, people will start respoding to you more positively, and you'll soon find yourself far less lonely and isolated than you seem to be presently.

Near-Term Wedding Plans?

Vaughn writes:

I am in love with a man that I have been dating for about a year now. We both love each other, and I know that he is the one that I want to spend the rest of my life with; how do I know if he feels the same. Should I ask if he plans to marry me?

Dear Vaughn:

Absolutely. Further, as long as you're not desiring an imminent wedding, which I don't think is the case here, you can do so without putting too much pressure on him by phrasing it exactly as you did in your letter, "...plans to marry me?" (By emphasizing "plans," with it's in the near future but not immediate connotation, you can gauge his commitment level to you without having your marriage query come across as an ultimatum.)