Relationships

Will His Bitterness Ever Go Away?

Wishful Thinker writes:

I have been dating someone for a few years. He is a wonderful man. He was married before he met me. It was a short marriage and she cheated on him. Then, unfortunately, he got screwed in the court system as well. My question is: how long do I have to keep paying for her (his ex wife's) mistakes? He never wants to talk about the future. Whenever I bring up doing something romantic or cuddling he makes a joke or a smartass comment, yet I know he had no problem telling her what she meant to him. I have made a lot of changes for the better since we've started dating, but sometimes I feel like I am making all of the changes and compromises. He told me once that he isn't wiling to bend on what he wants after what he has been through. I love this guy a lot and want to spend the rest of my life with him and have children with him. I guess I just need to know what a realistic expectation is. Should I just go with the flow that he calls all the shots? Should I just accept that marriage and kids are not going to happen and be grateful that I have a kind and stable man? Help.

Dear Wishful Thinker:

No, you should not just "go with the flow" and let your boyfriend dictate how things are things are going to be in your relationship. Further, you would be limiting to an unacceptable degree your romantic horizons (i.e., no possibility of marriage and your having children) by accommodating his preferences (as they now stand) to the utter exclusion of your own. It is obvious from your message that your boyfriend still carries with him a great deal of bitterness over his divorce and is having a difficult time moving on from it to a point where he can fully commit himself to you. The question then becomes: how much more time are you willing to let pass (you have already been dating him for a few years) before you decide to move on to someone with whom all possibilities are open, including your becoming an eventual wife and mother?

Time To Grow Up

Racquel writes:

So, let me begin by saying that I love my boyfriend dearly and really don't want to be with anyone else. Problem is that he doesn't seem likely to assume responsibility for himself, his future or his finances any time soon. He never lived on his own until we lived together, has never managed bills, has never attended college and pretty much has no sense of responsibility what-so-ever. He complains about the constraints of his job which force him to work weekends and nights, yet he makes double what I do a week with a college education (much to my envy). Will this incessant need for partying, vacation and denial that adulthood is here and now ever end? I want a man in my life, not a child. HELP!

Dear Racquel:

Your boyfriend seems to have enough good qualities to make your trying to get him to take on more of the everyday responsibilities that most of the rest of us "adults" have to deal with regularly--paying bills, helping out with grocery shopping, planning for the future, you know the kind of stuff I'm talking about--worth the effort. You mention in your letter that he has never lived on his own until the two of you started living together. Think about that for a moment. If he is now living with you, is he really on his own? No, he is not. To the extent that his way too immature ways continue on into his adulthood even though he is now a man and not a little boy still living with mommy and daddy, it may very well be that you are enabling him to do so, however unwitttingly. I know my girlfriend would never allow me to act like I didn't have any grown-up responsibilities in our relationship, and we don't live together. To turn things around, establish some groundrules such as having him pay the bills every other month and cut his partying down to no more than once a week. Additionally, tell him that if you're going to listen to his constant complaining about the demands of his dead-end sounding job, he has to take the initiative and begin looking for a better one (you might also want to encourage him to revisit the college issue). See how he responds. Hopefully, he'll awaken from his adolescent stupor in time to make you feel that though he is your boyfriend, he is not still an actual boy.

Should he pop the question?

Ryguy writes:

I think I am ready to pop-the question. How do I know that She is ready to have the question popped?

Dear Ryguy:

If you have to solicit the opinion of someone else to determine whether you should be asking your girlfriend to marry you, the answer is probably no, you should not, at least not at this time anyway. I've always believed that when it comes to popping the question, the only one upon whom you can really rely to steer you in the right direction is you. After all, you, and only you, are going to be the one who will have to live with the decision you make, whatever it is. Further, most of my guy friends who are now married tell me that they knew the time was right to go for it only when they reached that point in their relationships when they had no doubt that getting down on bended knee--well, truth be told, none of them actually did get down on bended knee, but you get the point--with engagement ring in hand was the right call. My advice is for you to wait until such time as you reach this stage in your own relationship, when the thought of having to ask what others think becomes irrelevant, before popping that all important question.

Too Bumpy A Relationship Road

Don't Know What To Do writes

I've know this man for over 5 years. We dated for about 3 years...with some bumps in the road...then he did something very awful to me...he betrayed me and lied to me and treated me poorly. I stopped talking to him for about 2 years. During the 2 years he'd email me asking for forgiveness..asking me to respond to him....asking for my friendship. I never responded because he hurt me so deeply. Recently I bumped into him on the street. He then sent me a very nice email explaining to me how sorry he was for mistreating me and that hind-site was 20/20 and if he could take it all back he would...you get the idea. After deep thought I responded to the email and we communicated via email for a few days. Then I did something really unlike me and drank too much at my company holiday party. I left my party and called him to come and get me ....I needed a ride. He was there in 10 minutes and got me home safely. Once we were at my house. He said things like how sorry he was for mistreating me and that he'd like to get together to talk with me after the holiday, he said he loved me and cared for me...he suggested we chat the following week. I agreed. He also left me a message after he dropped me off that night and said basically the same things to me. The following week we exchange a few emails so I asked him if he wanted to get together like we had talked about and he responded..."I don't think it's a good idea to do that...let's just move on" I was so hurt....it brought back so many bad memories...of how he had done similar things to me in the past. He has a track record for not following through, saying one thing than flipping it around and lieing. I guess I was hoping things had changed
after not speaking with him for 2 yrs. After all he suggested us getting together after the holiday. After he sent me that email I was so upset that I left him a message to call me. He returned my call the next day. He came across very arrogant during the conversation, never even bringing up what was said the night he picked me up, on the phone he said he'd like to be friends with me....go for a drink, lunch and if I wanted to do that...that would be cool. He basically said he didn't have any answers for me as to why he had treated me so bad in the past but if I did forgive him and want to be friends than that was fine. He was talking like he thought he had the upper hand orsomething...like controlling. Anyways he said he'd call me within a week. He hasn't done so. He has sent me a couple of emails. One I responded too....regarding skiing. The other I haven't responded too....it basically said 'what's new with you?' I'm just not sure if I should respond to him....he said he'd call me. If he wants to know 'what's new' he should call. I don't think it is right to explain 'what's new' via email...especially when he didn't follow through with seeing me. I truely want to be friends with him. I'd like your advice. Should I respond to him or wait to see if he trys to contact me again? Why for two years did he send me emails asking for friendship and then once I gave in ...he did not act like a friend? I mean he told me he loved me the night he picked me up....and then didn't want to see me or talk to me about things. I just don't understand. I'll always love him ....before the bumpy roads began between us I fell deeply in love with him. Should I play hardball with him? Most of my friends think he has some mental problem that he is not wired right they say this because of the way he has behaved towards me a few times..for example...once he called me an unstable girl because I "called him out" on his awful behavior of making plans with me and then breaking them at the last second with no explanation (that was when we were dating a few years ago) that is just a small example.... and some of my friends think he is just a jerk. Some don't understand him. Do you think he truely cares, and wants me as a friend. Your opionion and feedback would be greatly appreciated.

Dear I Don't Know What To Do:

This guy is of a type that anyone who has been around the relationship track even just a few times will readily recongnize. He's the kind of guy who will treat you right, say all the things you want to hear, be there for you and all that good stuff but only when it suits him. Trying to maintain a fulfilling and stable long-term relationship with a guy like this is virtually impossible. Rather, your attempting to do so will prove similar to the experience of being on a proverbial roller coaster with all of its emotional highs and lows. Further, and this is not a good sign, he didn't mature any in the two years when you were apart from him as far as treating you with the even-keeled respect and attention that you deserve. I tend to agree with your friends here--this guy does sound like a jerk. You, on the other hand, seem to be the kind of woman who is ready for a real relationship with someone who will treat you right all of the time, not just some of the time, if that. This is one bumpy road that you need to get off of, permanently.

All He Talks About Is Sex

Fed Up writes:

When we go out, my boyfriend talks about sex incessantly, to the exclusion of just about all other subjects. I haven’t been seeing him all that long, but he does have a great job as an attorney with a large law firm, and is certainly not unintelligent. Why, then, does he revert to being a Neanderthal every time we’re together by constantly steering every conversation toward sex? I mean guys do care about other things, right?

Dear Fed Up:

Though it may not always seem like it, yes, guys are interested in other things besides sex. In descending order here are the top six subjects uppermost in the minds of men: sports, sex, cars, sex, money, sex, etc. Just kidding. Based on your boyfriend’s job, he is obviously capable of engaging with you in conversation of a more stimulating and wide-ranging nature than has presently been the case. He is a lawyer after all, and the one thing lawyers do better than practically anybody else on the planet is talk; in fact, most of them make their living based on their highly developed verbal powers of persuasion. Tell your boyfriend that you don’t mind sex talk when it’s appropriate, like in the bedroom, for example, but not when you’re trying to explain to him over dinner why your boss from hell made you work late, or why you think the movie he took you to last night about the secret life of strippers was just plain awful.

It's All About What You Want

Confused In NH writes:

Okay, so I met a guy a few months ago...made out a bit..that was it. Saw him a few more times..the last time we messed around a bit more. We left it as ...see you later. Well, he called and asked me out ...in a really cute way. Just wondering if it's because we messed around..or maybe he really does like me...what do you think? I'm thinking he wouldn't have asked me out..but just asked to get together if all he wanted was to mess around...not sure though.

Dear Confused in NH:

Rather than spending time trying to figure out the motives of this guy, focus instead on what you’re looking for with him relationship wise. Let’s say he really is only interested in “messing around.” If that’s all you want too, then go out with him again, and see where things lead – maybe all you’ll get is the one night, never to see him again, but at least you won’t feel brokenhearted or taken advantage of because in reconnecting with him your objective wasn’t to establish anything long-term anyway. But if you decide that you want more than just a sexual encounter with this guy, tread carefully. From your letter, it doesn’t sound like he is coming at this from the standpoint of, “I can’t bear to be without you, I can’t get you out of my mind.” Rather, he may very well simply want to see you again for sex (he is a guy, after all). If this is the case, you might be better of just telling him, thanks, but no thanks.

Should She Call Him?

Summer Gal writes:

Just looking to get a little advice on something that is bothering me this morning. I have recently started dating a guy who I have heard from acquaintances kind of screwed over the last girl he was seeing. However, since we've started dating, he has done everything he said he was going to do (i.e., calls when he said he would call, makes plans and follows through etc.) We went out on a date this past Saturday and had an awesome time. All night, he kept mentioning things he wanted to do on future dates. After I got home, he text messaged me to make sure I was safe and then called again the next day to say good luck with something I had coming up on Monday. The problem is- I haven't heard from him since then. I was fine with the lack of contact until yesterday because now it has been 3 days and I feel like he should have called by now to see what I am doing this weekend? Am I just being a typical girl and freaking out over nothing or is this something I should be concerned about? I want him to respect me and not think I will just drop everything and clear my calendar so I can hang out with him. Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

Dear Summer Gal:

Yes, it has been three days, and it sounds like he probably should have called you by now to ask you out again. Putting aside whatever happened with his ex, I think for the moment anyway that you should give him the benefit of the doubt before jumping to any conclusions about his intentions. In fact, you might want to give him a call to find out if he’s got a valid reason -- being tied up with a work related project or having to go out of town unexpectedly -- for his not attempting to get in touch with you over the last few days as you would have liked. In calling him, you needn’t worry about coming across to him as “being a typical girl” or “freaking out.” On the Devil’s Advocate side of the ledger, however, it would be prudent on your part to not entirely dismiss his alleged track record with his last girlfriend. In any event, whether he does call you first or you end up calling him, it wouldn’t hurt for you to steel yourself a bit for the possibility -- for whatever reason -- of his basically blowing you off. If he should unfortunately do so, you’ll know definitively that he really wasn’t being truthful about his feelings for you, and you’ll at least be able to take some comfort from the realization that you’re not the only one he’s treated this way.

Too Much Porn?

Frustrated Wife writes:

What to do? Three months after I got married my amazing husband began changing. He steadily became more withdrawn and our sex life has become all but extinct. Six months ago I discovered he is looking at adult websites obsessively. I have tried every form of communication and he refuses to discuss it. On the one hand, he flat out denies it. Upon being shown proof, he says he is not doing anything illegal. No matter what I do to try to understand, participate, ignore it, or just freak out he won't stop. He does not believe there is a problem. I am ready to file for divorce. Does anyone have any advice about this freak show of a life I am trapped in. My husband says it is normal for guys to do this and tries to justify it by adding that 99% of the guys he works with do it too. I agree it is normal for people to be sexual. However, it is not normal to ignore your perfectly willing vivacious wife to the tune of once a month attention (bad at that) in exchange for a fanciful one-man five-friend solo party in front of the computer every chance you get alone. Aaaarrrggghhh! No he won't get counseling because "I am the one with the issue not him." Is this legally cheating? I know what all my "girl" friends say. I am very curious to have a guy's take on this. It is killing me inside that I am not enough for him. I love my husband. However, how can you help someone who won't help himself and keeps hurting you repeatedly with full knowledge of doing so?

Dear Frustrated Wife:

Your husband is flat out wrong when he says you’re the one with the issue, not him, and he is clearly in denial about his obsession with porn. Yes, most, if I dare say all, men have at one time or another looked at pornography, whether it be renting an adult film or, as is the case with your husband, going online to view adult websites. If he were viewing porn occasionally, particularly as a way to legitimately enhance a mutually satisfying sexual intimacy between the two of you, my sense is this wouldn’t even be an issue for you. In your husband’s case, however, he has taken what could have been a normal, even healthy reliance on viewing x-rated material to spice up your sex lives to an addictive extreme if as you say he attempts to get off on it alone every chance he gets. I am less concerned about helping you answer the question of whether or not his heavy affinity for porn makes him a cheater than I am in convincing you that you simply can’t let up in your efforts to see to it that he gets professional help for his addiction because I’m afraid that until he does, this problem -- and its adverse impact on your marriage -- will not magically go away by itself. I don’t know if you’ve absolutely, positively reached your utmost breaking point yet in terms of your level of frustration with him to actually consider using the “nuclear” option, but as a catalyst for getting him to seek counseling, you just may have to threaten him with the possibility of filing for divorce or at least separating from him for awhile. Lastly, and perhaps most importantly, your husband’s addictive behavior when it comes to porn is no reflection on you, your attractiveness or your ability to satisfy him sexually. Again, the problem is with him, not you.

Welcome, Everyone

This is my first entry on my new Bobby Simpson blog. This is the place where you can write to me with your dating and relationship concerns, questions or comments. I, in turn, will do my very best to provide helpful, honest anwers. Some years ago when I was a teen, I advised other teens and their parents in my "Dear Bobby Simpson" advice column in the Boston Herald. Now, I'm all grown up, and I'm returning to my advice column roots, this time on Boston.com

To all those women (and there are countless numbers of you) who would love the opportunity to pick a guy's brain to find out why your husband, boyfriend or even the guy you met just last week isn't nearly as--undertanding, caring, thoughtful, loving or good in bed-- as like you'd like him to be, here's your chance to do just that.

To all you guys out there who have a dating or relationship dilema (or you just need to vent) but writing to "Dear Abby" is just not your thing (and, really, who can blame you?), I offer you my services as well.

Also, in addition to your letters, I will frequently be providing my own random thoughts and observations on the dating and relationship scene. Though you won't always agree with what I have to say, I hope you'll find my comments entertaining and even thought provoking. Either way, you're always welcome to write me and let me know what you think.

Again, please feel free to write me at anytime with whatever is on your mind--I'm here to help!

Thanks,
Bobby Simpson

A Really Cute Guy, But He's Married

Girl With A Crush writes:

So, there is a guy at work that I have a huge crush on. I am new here and don't know too many people but this guy is so adorable. He makes me look forward to going to work every day. The problem is that he is married. He has only been married for a few months. I would never date or do anything with a married guy but it is so hard knowing that he is taken. At first I thought it was nothing but then I noticed that he has been looking at me with a cute face and often comes to my floor just to chat.
How can I get over this??? Again, I would never mess with a married guy but he is just soooo cute. Any suggestions?

Dear Girl With A Crush:

There’s no other way to put it, if this guy’s married -- no matter how cute he is, or how he makes you feel or whether he flirts with you -- he’s off limits. Trying to initiate any sort of romantic relationhip with him is only going to lead you down a dangerous path. Further, do you really want to start up with a guy who, after having been married for just a few months, is coming on to newly hired woman at his place of work, if in fact this is what he is attempting to do with you? Instead of letting your crush on him get the best of you, concentrate on meeting someone, whether it be at work or, even better, in a non-work setting, to whom you can feel as equally attracted, but with whom you won’t experience all of the inevitable drama that comes with dating a guy who’s already taken.