Relationships

When It's Just About Sex

I've been spending a lot of time answering letters from people who are genuinely interested in meeting someone with whom they can share a meaningful relationship; these letters have often been etremely thoughtful and sincere. But for all of the people out there truly looking for love, there are an equal number simply looking for sex. These folks are best embodied by the Samantha character on Sex and the City (Kim Catrall is so good in this role, you can feel her hotness coming at you right through the tv screen), whose only primal interest in any guy she meets is his ability to provide her with the sexual gratification she constantly craves. All other aspects of having a serious relationship--compatability, intellectual stimulation, companionship--are really of no importance to those for whom sex is the be all and all. In fact, they don't want those things at all, which is why they very often go on to have multiple sexual partners, always attempting to top the previous night's conquest. In the end, however, what becomes of these people? At what point, if any, do they say to themselves, this is no longer enough, something's missing in my life? What is it like for them when they look back at all the one night stands with people whose faces they can still visualize, but whose names are long since forgotten?

He Can't Stop Thinking About Him

Alejandro writes:

How do I get him out of my mind? I'm a 20-yearl old gay male. My first ex-boyfriend broke up with me almost year ago; he left me for a mutual friend. I still think about him a lot, even thought we haven't spoken for so long. My question is how do I stop thinking about him?
How can I really move on with my life and forget all this pain they put me through? Do you think I feel this way because I haven't found someone new? Thanks a lot.

Dear Alejandro:

Just about everyone's first break-up is exceptionally painful, I know mine certainly was; it's always this way with a very first significant life experience, the hurt or high (depending upon the event's being good or bad) tends to linger in your memory bank, playing with your emotions. What further compounds your pain is the fact that your break-up involved a friend. Of course you are going to feel particularly down right now because you have yet to find someone new. When you do, however, your focus will undoubtedly shift to him, and you will find yourself thinking less and less about your ex. Given your relatively young age, there are so many things you have yet to experience in life--the ending of this, your very first relationship, is just one of the many passages along the way.

Other Ways To Meet New Guys

Kim writes:

My question: Where should I go to meet a great guy? I know, I know- I have an outgoing personality, but I'd be open to any suggestions you might have. My friends are married so meeting guys through them haven't really been a popular avenue. I have dated quite a bit off of Yahoo personals for the last year but nothing positive seemed to catch. I'm 32 and live in Brockton. I have a great 15yr old, I travel far a few times a year, a degree in economics, work full time in the financial industry but yet I am stumped to where I should look. I have re-posted my profile on Yahoo personals/match.com and in the past have done 8 minute dating. Do you have any other ideas that might help me know where to look? Thanks in advance!

Dear Kim:

First off, let me just say that you sound like a great catch! As far as suggestions for meeting guys beyond what you have already tried such as the online thing and 8 Minute Dating, you might want to network in your professional area, financial services (which is such a big industry sector in these parts) by attending seminars, conferences, etc. Not only is this a great way for expanding your list of work related contacts, it will present you with myriad opportunities to meet, in quasi-social settings, a good number of guys with whom you'd have a lot in common. Perhaps at one of these gatherings your striking up a conversation with someone could segue from the professional to the personal especially if there's that all important romantic chemistry in play. To give you but one example, a couple of months back one of my girlfriend's friends, who is a lawyer, met her current boyfriend at a legal seminar. Also, as you live in Brockton, you might want to take advantage of your proximity to metro-Boton where there is always so much going on in the arts, music, theater, restuarants/dining, sports, etc. You couldn't help but meet new people if you were to regularly partake of this extraordinarily vibrant social milieu. Last, if you're not already a member of one, you might want to consider joining a gym or a health club as they are also great places to meet guys.

Living Together--Should You Do It?

Maggie writes:

I was wondering what your opinion is on couples living together. I have read so many articles about how it can hurt a relationship in the long term. I was just looking for some real life examples. Especially as far as paying bills and splitting chores and stuff. I would love to live with my boyfriend of four years but I am just afraid it will doom our relationship if we get married in a couple of years. Maybe it is just me being paranoid....

Dear Maggie:

No, Maggie, I wouldn't say you're paranoid, hardly. However, contrary to what you have been reading recently, a good number of my married friends lived together with their mates for varying lengths of time before tying the knot. And the general feedback they have to offer is that doing so actually strengthened their relationships, and they view the experience as akin to an extremely helpful trial run before actually walking down the aisle for real. Conversely, I often hear my divorced friends say that they wished they had lived together with their exes for awhile because had they done so, they would never have taken the plunge in the first place. Further, when it comes to long-term relationships, excepting those that end up either stagnating or dissolving, you really only have two possibe outcomes: moving in together to see how that goes or skipping this stage altogether and becoming husband and wife.

A Relationship In Doubt?

Hurt And Confused writes:

I've been exclusive with my boyfriend for 3 and half years. He recently told me, two days before christmas, that he has feelings for his coworker. He said he's confused and needs space to think about it. He tells me he still has feelings for me, but he can't promise me not to have any connections with her except beyond those that are work related. We reconciled a few days before our vacation. Less than a week after our vacation, he said he needs more space. I don't want to be an obsessive stalking girlfriend who needs to know where he is all the time. I want to be happy again. I still love him. Should I give him space/time to think more about it or just call it quits?

Dear Hurt And Confused:

Given the length of your relationship, nearly four years, and the fact that you continue to love him, yes, I would give your boyfriend some time to sort things out, particularly since he was forthright enough to tell you about his feelings for his coworker (he could have kept this from you, so he does gets some points in the decency department for his honesty). On the other hand, I wouldn't give him forever to decide what he wants to do because this would be terribly unfair to you. I'm sorry that his commitment to the relationship he has with you is somewhat up in the air right now; it really is tough when you are with someone for a long time and then they suddenly express an interest in someone else. I've been in your shoes myself, so I know what it feels like. However things play out, remember that people change, all relationships have their ups and downs, and some of them do come to an end for whatever reason. Hopefully, this will not be the case with yours--again, he has to remember that you guys have been exclusive for quite a long time now--but if it is, you will certainly have plenty of other chances to be in love again, I guarantee it!

He's Not Ready To Be A Step Dad

Helen writes:

I have been going out with my boyfriend for 8 months. We had a
fantastic Christmas together with my 8 year old son. He brought up discussions about having children and living together. Then all of a sudden he told me he wants 'space' and doesn't know if he now sees us in his future. What has happended? I am giving him his space by not ringing him or having any contact - why has this gone so wrong and how do deal with his throwing away a great relationship?

Dear Helen:

What I think happened, Helen, is that he got spooked by spending time with you and your son during Christmas; I'm assuming that prior to this he didn't spend much time with you, if any, with your son in the mix as well. If I'm right about this, then it would seem that this triggered in him the realization that as you do have a child, if he were to have a serious, long-term relationship with you--one which encompasses the possibility of marriage--he would presumably be expected to one day become the boy's step dad. In fact, he might have been subtly telegraphing his concerns about this to you during those discussions regarding having children and living together. I suggest you broach this subject with him head on. Tell him that you're okay with taking things slowly, and that he needn't feel pressured about suddenly finding himself in the role of a dad. If this is in fact what suddenly gave him cold feet, your reassuring words might very well bring him back to you.

Run For Your Life From This Guy!!

Kalee writes:

I recently come into contact with a man whom Ive meet online . This is
guy is acting a bit too excited about me-telling me things like relocating closer to my hometown after a 1 week of chatting & planning a future with me. My problem with this guy is that he has been married 4 times. All ended in divorce. Plus he's in AA. I don't want to judge him; however, I'm a bit afraid to speakup and tell him that I don't think a dating relationship is possible, but I thought I might be able to just be friends wiht him. What do you think?

Dear Kalee:

With a guy like this, Kalee, sometimes you do need to judge, and in this case it's not even a close call--get rid of him as fast as you can!! His track record, as you describe it--his wanting to move closer to where you live after only a week of online chatting; his 4 divorces; and an alcohol problem to boot--screams out for you to run for your life from this guy. Yes, everyone deserves to be treated with respect, and I sincerely hope that this guy can find a way to turn his life around, but he's just too off the charts bad news--I'm not an FBI profiler, but he sounds like your typical stalker--for you to even consider maintaining any sort of relationship with him, not even a casual friendship. Sorry to be so blunt with you about this, Kalee, but I just think you'd be putting yourself at great risk to have anything further to do with such an unstable sounding guy. Keep in mind, these are the things he's told you about; I can only imagine what other stuff he might be keeping from you!

Internet Dating

redsoxgirl2006 writes:

I'm just curious to what you think about this.

Dear redsoxgirl2006:

I think that what you're describing has a lot to do with the "depersonalization" inherent in utilizing a technological capability such as the Internet to connect with other people. In the pre-Internet era, you had to make an effort to meet someone new by actually going out to clubs, bars, social events, etc., which required an investment of one's time. With the Internet, however, human beings are like disposable commodities. You start chatting with someone online and this results in a face-to-face hook-up. But once you actually meet him or her and realize that this isn't the person of your dreams, if there isn't that "love at first sight" spark, well, then, all you have to do is get right back online and start the process all over again. If you are truly looking to take your time when it comes to relationships, where you want to get to know someone for who they really are, and they you, over a number of dates, you might just try doing it the old fashioned way--by actually putting yourself out there live, in the flesh, with no online virtual reality buffer zone diminishing the real world, person to person experience that you are seeking.

Sex Is Really Important To Him

Harry G writes:

I feel like I am writing to a Dear Abby Column, but this is a critical subject for me. I have only had two serious relationships in my life. Both of them lasted a long time and broke up over the same issues, commitment and sex. The first issue I felt was dependent on the second. Sex is very important to me. I want to be in a marriage where each partner gets their needs met. Is there a proper way to find out if a potential mate has any sexual hang-ups without dating for three or four months?

Dear Harry G:

Sex, for most people, is such an intimate, subjective area--what works for you might not work for me kind of a thing--that I don't think it's realistic for you to think that you're going to meet someone who will acccurately and truthfully summarize for you her sexual hang-ups, desires, etc., in a neat, tidy conversation so as to lay out for you in clinical detail what to expect in the bedroom, particularly at the pre-relationhip stage. Based on my own experiences, and those of others I know, it just doesn't work this way. Though it's probably not the easy, magic bullet answer you're looking for, the only way you're ever really going to get to know the most intimate part of a potential mate's personality is to be involved with her for a period of time where this area will be slowly revealed to you as the two of you develop the requisite trust for this to happen. Further, from a female compatability standpoint, sex is not always as near the top of the list of relationship prerequisites as it is for a lot of guys. As you've had only a couple of serious relationships, it may very well be that you simply haven't found the right person who shares the same overwhelming desire for sexual fulfillment in a long-term relationship as you do. If this is as critical an issue for you as you say it is, you do need to seek out a woman who will satisfy you sexually (and vice-versa) or you will continue to be left wanting in this regard. To help facilitate this, and to not waste months getting to know people who are incompatable with you sexually, you need to be brutually honest each time you meet someone new about just how important physical intimacy is to you.

Should She Flirt With Married Guys At Work

Naughty Girl writes:

There are a few guys that I work with that are married but I love to flirt with them! They definately flirt back too. It is harmless fun, right? I am known as a friendly person at work and no one knows that I flirt with the guys except for the guys themselves. It is kind of a game; I would never hook up with them though. Married guys, do you like it when a cute female co-worker flirts with you?

Dear Naughty Girl:

Now, now, Naughty Girl, of course married guys, non-married guys, all guys like it when cute female co-workers flirt with them. I suppose that as long as your flirtatious ways stay in the harmless fun category, the no harm, no foul rule applies. But what would you do if the opportunity presented itself where, if you wanted, you could take things to another level with one of these married guys, especially one you're really attracted to? Would you go for it? Why not just stick to targeting only those guys you know who are available but aren't taken, with whom you could get romantically involved and there'd be no potential consequences? I only ask you to think about this because while to you what you are doing at work is a game, to some of these married guys it may not be.

Is It Okay To Look At Other Women?

My girlfriend and I had a mini fight the other night. It was over the issue of my occasionally (and I stress occasionally) looking at other women, however briefly, when we go out. Trust me, it's nothing overt, not even remotely approaching anything like leering, but I do admit to glancing from time to time at other attractive woman when I'm out with her on our dates. I've always believed such behavior is naturally programmed into a guy's genes, in other words, it's a human nature type thing, can't be helped. Keep in mind that I only usually steal a glance during those moments when my girlfriend is otherwise distracted so as not to irritate her. Or so I thought, because the night of our fight she caught me momentarily looking in the direction of an Amanda Peet lookalike sitting two tables away from us as we were eating dinner at a restaruant. Her feeling was that what I did was insulting; I tried to explain to her that I wasn't really even conscious of what I was doing, like in that Seinfeld episode where George can't stop staring at Denise Richards's cleavage. In any event, my girlfriend wasn't buying it. I consoled myself, however, with the realization that she's just as guilty as I am--I hear there's this UPS guy who routinely delivers to where she works, and, according to some well placed sources, every time he swings by, well, let's just say she always makes sure to look in his direction.

Letting Go

Really Sad writes:

I'm recently divorced after 10 yrs of marrige. I made every effort to
keep our divorce as amicable as possible, we had no children. My former husband has wasted no time getting back into the dating scene, yet insisted he did love me but didn't want to work on our marrige. I'd like to move on but I can't seem to let go of all of the anger and sadness I feel. I'm so angry that he just
gave up. How do I let go???

Dear Really Sad:

The fact that you are still experiencing anger and sadness after a recent divorce is normal and to be expected. The key is for these emotions to remain in check so that they don't prevent you from moving forward in your life, particularly in your personal life. Perhaps it may be too soon for you to go out and meet new people. If it is, then hold off on doing so until you feel you're ready for it. Once you are, however, the emotional lift you will surely get from reentering the dating scene, even if it's just going out a couple of nights a week for starters, will go a long way toward helping you let go of the bad feelings.

She Just Wants A Good Time

Confused writes:

Let me just start out by saying that I've just started dating again;
I've recently gotten a divorce after 10 years of marriage. I'm not sure if it's just the women I've gone out with, but after 3 or 4 dates I've gotten no return calls or contact from them. Most recently I met a much younger woman that goes to school in Boston, but acts very mature. We met at a club and then had gone out the following weekend and had a great time. The next time we met out at a
club and eventually went back to her place. She told me to call her and things seemed great, but when I called the next weekend the first night she said that she was working the next day and then when I called the next day she didn't answer my call. My question is, Do I continue to try with her because she seems like a great girl and we always have fun, but it's been 4 days and I still haven't heard back from her? Or is it possible that she is actually an immature
college girl and I should not be wasting my time? And I always try to act like a gentleman and treat these women with respect. One of my friends says that I need to start treating them badly or like I'm not that interested. Any advice?

Dear Confused:

As you have only recently reentered the dating world after having been married for several years, I need to straight out tell you that going out and meeting people, and trying to start new relationships--this is not always an easy thing to do; in fact, it can often be a frustrating experience. The message here, however, is for you to not get discouraged, but to continue on, because that's the only way you will be assured of eventually meeting someone who's right for you. Regarding this younger woman, no, I would not attempt to call her again. Given the difference in your ages, she could very well be in a different place than you when it comes to dating. Whereas you seem to want to meet someone with whom a real relationship can develop based on compatability, etc., she might very well be simply looking for a one time experience, with nothing further in the offing. I, too, had a similar experience where I met a woman younger than me, and I thought she was really into me. After a couple of dates, however, she told me that she wasn't looking to have a long-term relationhip with me, or anyone else for that matter, but only wanted to go out with different guys and have a good time. This wasn't going to work for me, so I broke things off with her. The good news is that neither one of these women is representative of the many women out there who are looking to meet a real gentleman such as yourself, regardless of what your friends say about playing the bad guy or hard to get.

Is This Marriage Really Over?

Is The Marriage Truly Over?

Kent writes:

My wife and I split up a couple months ago for a myriad of reasons (we
just weren’t friends anymore essentially). We got married in the spring of 2004, and while I never view or viewed it as a mistake, I kind of feel like we were becoming two different people. I've been making changes personally that I know screwed up our relationship, and since I've started talking to her again while filing papers and everything...she says she has changed for the better as well.

Here is the issue...in the meantime...I have met a fantastic person that I feel really fits the new me, but because of time and schedules...we can't always be together right now and that gets really frustrating. The soon to be ex-wife and I still talk regarding the divorce, yet she seems to be pushing for some type of reconciliation but I know I love this other girl as well. I'm really in a stuck spot here...because I know I've changed the things I needed to change in order to have a great relationship and the ex was at one time to be the person I spent my life with. I obviously don't know how much she's changed, though I'm not sure I should care. I love the other girl immensely but all the drama and complicated nature that surrounds her is certainly a detriment to that
relationship. I’m physically attracted to both, the mental aspect of going back to a familiar lover…is ok…but I know can present problems when it comes to trust…and the like. I’m just confused……help!

Dear Kent:

I sugget that you give first priority to your wife before making any final decisions about which of these two women in your life right now is the one who is the better match for you long-term. Granted, you are in the "process" of filing for divorce, but until this is actually a done deal, you still have time to reconsider and possibly reconcile with your wife. In fact, according to your letter, she has reached out to you herself recently about wanting to do just that. Further, you go on to mention that the two of you have made sincere efforts to change for the better who you as individuals--it's quite possible that these changes are for real and could make an attempt at reconciliation worthwhile. What is complicating things for you at the moment is that you are trying to juggle these two women at the same time while dealing with pressing emotional issues. My advice is that you take a stand and finalize things with your wife one way or the other. If you should decide that going ahead with the divorce is in fact what you have to do, then, and only then, should you focus on pursuing a relationship with the new woman in your life.

A Relationship On The Brink?

Beyond Frustrated writes:

I have been friends with this guy for nearly six years. We have dated on and off for the last three. Problem is we keep up this cycle of breaking up, getting back together, and breaking up again. We both feel strongly that we do love eachother, but we freak out on each other when something else in our life stresses us out. How do we break this vicious cycle?

Dear Beyond Frustrated:

I think you break the vicious cycle by deciding as a couple once and for all just where the relationship is really going. You say you have been friends with this guy for nearaly six years, and have been dating him, off and on, for the last three. At some point in any relationship that is more than just platonic, the people involved need to decide what the future holds for them, if anything. It troubles me somewhat when you say that you guys tend to temporarily break things off when external stresses pop up in your lives. Strong and stable couples are able to weather such times; in fact, they tend to grow even closer because of them. If you and your boyfriend run from each other at the first sign of trouble, particularly after having been seeing each other for three years, maybe this is a sign that the relationhip has reached an insurmountalbe plateau. Discuss this possibility with your boyfriend, and see if the conversation you have leads to a conclusion one way or the other about whether you guys should call things off for good at this point.

Another Definition Of A Serial Dater

J. Valdez writes:

Your definition of "serial dater" is incorrect. A serial dater is
someone who can't be alone, must be dating someone at all times. If one relationship ends, almost immediately the 'serial dater' begins a relationship with a new person. A serial dater is not necessarily a sort of lothario.

Dear J. Valdez:

You are correct, not all serial daters are Lotharios, but most, if not all, Lotharios are serial daters. Thanks much for the clarification.

Celebrity Couples, It's All A Big Scam

Brad and Angelina, Tom and Katie, Nick and Jessica, Beyonce and Jay-Z, Ben and Jennifer, the celebrity couples list goes on and on. Me, I think it's all a scam. I began to think so when the movie Vanilla Sky came out. Rember that? I do because it was around that time that Entertainment Tonight, Access Hollywood, Extra!, Inside Edition, Today, Good Morning America, Fox, MSNBC, CNBC, People, In Style, Entertainment Weekly, US Weekly In Touch Weekly and, of course, Popular Mechanics and Scientific American all said that the film's two stars, Tom Cruise and Penolpe Cruz, were a couple, madly in love. Like a lot of you, I too initially bought into it. But then I started to have second thoughts, which were engendered when the lovebirds' movie quickly tanked at the box office. As quickly as the tsunami coverage of the Cruise and Cruz love affair overhwhelmed us without so much as a heads up from the folks at E! (and who would know better than them?) it just as quickly disappeared, in much the same way Vanilla Sky did from empty movie theaters all over the country. To which I say: I believe with every fiber of my cynical being that from that moment on we began to witness what I call the celebrity couples scam, whereby sweaty palmed studio executives arrange clandestine meetings in camoflauged huts, usually in Tibet (you know, so the ever present paparzzi are kept out of the loop)--like they did with Brad and Angelina shortly before Mr. and Mrs. Smith was rolled out--where the biggest movie stars on the planet are forced to pretend that they're in love--even if they have to make a baby together to make things seem more, "believable," as Mr. Sweaty Palmed Studio Executive often puts it to them--all for the purpose of increasing the final gross of whatever film it is we're talking about, and this is important now, by at least 10 percent. The good news about the celebrity couples scam is that nobody really gets hurt or humiliated. Just ask Jennifer Aniston. She's in on it, too. It was at her secret meeting at Matthew Perry's Mailbu hideaway shortly before Derailed premiered that she was paired with Vince Vaugh. (Here's some scoop for you--her first choice wasn't Vince, it was actually Heath Ledger, but this was nixed by Mr. Sweaty Palmed Studio Executive who felt it wouldn't be good for her to be seen with "the guy in the gay movie. No, better stick with Vince, he never fell in love with Owen Wilson in Wedding Crashers."

Serial Daters, An Explanation

Misfit writes:

serial daters?

Hello everyone -

So, I'm inquiring: "What is your definition of a serial dater?"

Dear Misfit:

It's quite simple, really. A serial dater is someone who is more interested in hooking-up for hooking-up's sake--for the possibility of sex, of course--than in meeting someone for the express purpose of seeking a long-term commitment. A few of my friends are quintessential serial daters, and their main goal is getting off on the thrill of the hunt. Their general attitude toward dating, and relationships in general, is best summed up by Richared Gere in the movie "Internal Affairs" in a line he says to Andy Garcia toward the end of the film. Gere plays a corrupt cop who is being probed by Garcia, an Internal Affairs investigator. In attempt to mess with Garcia's head, Gere tries to initiate an affair with Garcia's wife. To demosntrate that the two men are more alike than Garcia thinks, Gere insinuates that Garcia, too, would be open to cheating on his wife if the right opportunity came along. When Garcia says that he would not--that he's a happily married man--Gere dismisses this by saying, "Everybody's looking for strange." That's what serial daters are really looking for as well, strange--the excitement that comes with seeing who's out there, with no strings attached.

Conquering Relationship Demons

Help! I want her back! writes:

My ex-girlfriend doesn't want anything to do with me. I love her dearly. I drank too much, was verbally abusive, controlling and generally treated her with little to no respect. I'm a regular charmer, I know. Anyway, I have decided to start changing my ways, but I think it's too late. I know I will never be perfect, but I know I will never act like that poorly again. I have been doing a lot of work on myself, trying to figure out what led me to act like that. I am finally finding out that my disjointed (some would say traumatic) childhood has had a lot to do with the way I have treated my most recent ex and the 6 exes before her. I act like a loving, charming person for the first 6-12 months, then my emotional problems always seem to surface. It's like a bad dream, bacause I know I'm a very loving guy underneath all of that crap. I am dying to have a fantastic relationship and am worrying that I am "damaged goods" although I have never been married or have any children. It's a shocker for me because I always thought I was a great catch. I am 32 and want to get married and have children, soon. I just don't want to start when I'm 40. We broke up on New Year's Eve and I haven't been able to eat or sleep since. What makes it doubly hard is that I moved her here from NYC this past summer and feel guilty for the relationship not working out. She is on her third apartment and third job since June, 2005. I have already made positive changes to my lifestyle and will continue to make those changes whether or not we get back together. What do I do? I miss her tremendously. She was the girl that I am supposed to be with, quirks and all. My friends tell me not to call her. I guess that's good advice since she won't pick up the phone anymore. Do I start moving on? I was thinking of going to MFA First Friday tomorrow night. I don't even know if I would want to speak to another woman, but I think she has already moved on. Why not me? Right? I don't know. I miss you Alicia! I know I'm a dumb ass. Boston.com people, please give me some advice. Thanks, "

Dear Help! I Want Her Back:

While it's highly commendable that you've have made significant efforts recently to turn things around in your life, based on the recurring nature of your emotional issues (you mention a possibly traumatic childhood and a battle with the bottle), I strongly suggest you compliment these self-directed efforts with therapy from a qualified mental health professional. Your doing so will not only help you to better understand why you've been acting the way you have vis-a-vis your numerous ex-girlfriends for so long now, it will also better position you to conquer this kind of self destructive relationship behavior once and for all. As for your ex, perhaps it would be best for you to move on and start fresh with someone new--sometimes there is simply "too much water under the bridge" for there to be a reasonable chance of reconciliation. Unfortunately, I think this is one of those cases. The good news, however, is that you finally seem to be on the right road with matters in your personal life, and hopefully things will be much better for you in your next relationship.