Relationships

Girlfriends And Sports

As we approach Super Bowl Sunday, I've got to say that one of the things I love, love, love about my girlfriend is her love of sports. Not to knock any women out there who are not into the stuff, but I have to say--and I think I speak for a lot of guys on this--when your girlfriend can offer up her own explanation as to why Peyton Manning will never be a "big game" QB, well, that's just a wonderful added relationship bonus for any guy like me who lives and breathes football (not to mention baseball, basketball and hockey, everything except NASCAR--I just don't get the appeal of sitting in front of your tv on a Saturday afternoon watching souped up cars go round and round in circles for three hours until someone finally, and mercifully, raises a goofy looking, handkerchief-sized victory flag). Come to think of it, an ex of mine, whom I dated briefly, told me flat out that she had absolutely no interest in ever going out with me to any sporting event whatsoever. When I asked her why, she said that she "wouldn't understand what was going on." "Not even at a baseball game?" I asked. Her response was that she found baseball "complicated." Did I mention that I dated her briefly? Again, I'm not suggesting that women who are totally uninterested in sports are in any way undesirable or inferior, but, let's face it, when your girlfriend tells you that she can't follow a baseball game, our national pastime--where, you know, it's three strikes and you're out, there are nine innings (unless, of course, you go into extra innings), and the basic objective is to score as many runs as you can by advancing around the bases, first, second and third, until you reach homeplate--well, for us guys, it's gut check time, no doubt about it. With this in mind, as I settle down with my girlfriend on Sunday to watch the Seahawks beat the Steelers, 28-20, I will do so knowing that at any moment I can turn to her and say something like, "Why in the world did the Steelers just decide to punt on 4th and 1, late in the game, down by 14," and she'll not only know just what I'm talking about, she'll actually be able to provide me with a coherent answer.

Please post your response on my relationship message board.

The Bachelor Party Argument

My girlfriend doesn't want me to go to my friend's upcoming bachelor party. She feels the whole idea of guys getting together to basically debauch themselves (the drinking, the high-fiving every two seconds, the "entertainment", in other words, male nirvana) is unacceptable.

I counter with the argument that the bachelor party is the soon to be groom's absolute last chance to let it all hang out before life ceases to exist as he knows it. Further, I tell her that the kind of stuff that goes on at your typical b.p. is really not that different from what women do when they get together for the same purpose (accept, of course, that with men there is a greater likelihood of some type of law enforcement intervention before the night is over).

I'm holding firm on this one, though. I think that while there are some guys out there who can easily lose all sense of proportion and decency given the right set of circumstances, most of us just enjoy having a good time once in a while.

Is that so wrong? I'd like to get your opinion. Please post your response on my relationship message board.

They Keep Coming Back For More

NYGirl77 writes:

This is going to sound odd, but I've been having a "purely" physical relationship with someone for more than a year now. When we first started seeing one another, neither of us really knew what to expect, because our situation has never been ideal for real-life dating (we work together, and are actually in violation of company policy). Since the beginning a lot has happened in terms of other relationships, etc, but we still have remained in contact and are intimate rather frequently. I have tried to tell myself time and time again that this is physical and nothing more, but I guess like any human being, I find myself here a year later with more feelings than I know what do with. We've tried to stop seeing each other on several different occasions, both agreeing that we're doing ourselves a disservice by perpetuating our "friendship" but we always manage to pick up right where we left off, usually only days after we agree to stop. I have never had such a lack of self-control as I seem to with regard to this person, and I know the same can be said for him. I guess my question is how do we know if this is something worth pursuing? And how, after a year of getting to know each other behind closed doors, would we transition to the outside world? A lot would have to change for us to move forward, and I think we're both pretty nervous about that.

Dear NYGirl77:

Hmmm. Part of me thinks that what keeps you guys coming back together again and again is indeed purely physical. However, you yourself say that as regards this guy you have more "feelings" than you know what to do with. So, it may very well be that what started out as just a sexual thing has turned into something more. Moreover, what you describe is no mere two week infatuation, but a year long connection. Despite the company policy issue that you raise, which I'll address in a moment, I think you should try and find out once and for all if this is a real relationship that you're in--something that encompasses more than just the physical--or not. To do that, offer this guy the opportunity to take things to the next level with you. Suggest to him, for example, that you start going out together on a regular basis, just like a regular couple, with the attitude being that the time you're spending together is about more than just engaging in the heretofore sexual rendevouz. Should he agree to this, it will be a true indication that he, too, possibly has deeper "feelings" for you as well. Back to the company policy problem: You're simply going to have to be discreet while testing the relationship waters, which shouldn't be all that difficult for you anyway--you've already managed to keep things with him a secret for a year. Personally, I think the whole prohibition against workplace romance is nonsense. As long as you conduct yourself professionally while on the job, the fact that you may be involved socially/romantically with a coworker away from the office is, in my opinion, irrelevant.

A Long Ago Love

Angel writes:

Back when I was 16 I met a guy who was 19. Now i´m 33 and he´s 36. He was my first boyfreind and my first big love. I decided to look (search) for him on the Internet. But after three years of looking and searching. I left my e-mail address on every site that I could think of, hoping that one day he would find it and write me. And at the begining of this year, He had found me and written me! I was really happy and glad to have heard from him after 15 years. Back then he broke up with me. Even though he wrote me (and still does, once in awhile) I am wondering why he did decide to write me after all these years. We talked about a few things, from then and now but, he hasn't mentioned that he is married and maybe has children (which I believe to be the case). Why isn't he straight forward about that? And how should this all continue? How should I act!? Might he still have some feelings for me? I´m confused!? could you please help me!? Thank you!

Dear Angel:

Thanks, Angel, for getting back to me with the additional info that I requested about your situation. I have to say that even though you dated this guy, that was several years ago, when you were both teenagers. Now, each of you is an adult, entirely different from who you were way back then. I think he wrote you after all these years because he was genuinely interested in touching base with you, especially since you took the time to try and track him down online. But this certainly doesn't mean that he now wants to suddenly pick up right where he left off with you, and resume the relationship. As for his possibly having a wife and children, he is under no obligation to delve into this area as there is presently no romantic connection with you. Your former boyfriend very likely has fond memories of the teenage courtship the two of you shared , and it's great that you were able to reconnect with him. I think, however, that's as far as it goes. He has moved on, I suggest you do the same--trying to relive something from your past will only prevent you from living your life to the fullest today.

A New Online Dating Option Comes To Boston

Though I've been recently down on trying to meet people via the online route--I just think you've got to put yourself out there, in person--I did want to give you Net surfers a heads up about speedfriending.com. According to Newsweek, it's kind of like Speed Dating, except without the pick-up lines. You and a bunch of other people gather in a room, sitting across from each other in pairs. You then have 5 minutes to chat up your partner. At the end of the five minutes a bell rings, signaling you to move on to someone else. Basically, it's like 8 Minute Dating, except with 3 fewer minutes to make a love connection. In any event, the service will soon be launching in Boston, so you have nothing to lose in checking it out. Good luck!

A Boyfriend's Sexual Identity In Question

At A Loss writes:

I've been dating my boyfriend for about six months. Things were going great until he told me that he thinks he may be bisexual. He claims that he has never had a relationship with another guy before, but he feels conflicted because he is attracted to a recently hired male co-worker. My question is, where does this leave me, how do I handle such a convoluted situation?

Dear At A Loss:

This is one of those situations where the ball is not really in your court, but rather in your boyfriend's. I don't think he should be involved in a serious relationship until he comes to grips with his sexuality, because until he does, you or any other of his potential mates, male or female, run the risk of getting hurt. It's up to you whether you want to put yourself in a sort of relationship holding pattern until he figures things out. If you do decide to go this route, you give yourself the option of resuming things with him at some point hopefully not too far down the road should he come back to you and say, you know what, I've had some time to really think things through, and I now know beyond any doubt you're the one I want to be with, period. There are no guarantees, however, that this would in fact be the hoped for outcome to make your patience and understanding worth the wait, particularly regarding someone whom you've known for a matter of months.

No, TV Is Actually Great For Your Sex Life

I love tv. Absolutely love it. So does my girlfriend. Sit-coms, crime shows, sports, news, whatever. Even just as background noise, when she and I are together, there is always a tv on somewhere in our immediate vicinity. I mention this because I read the other day about this study that claims watching tv adversely effects a couple's sex life. Speaking from my own personal experience, I disagree with the study's conclusion. In fact, I think tv is actually a great facilitator. Further, without it, couples would often have nothing to talk about. Especially when it's late at night, for example, everything you could possibly discuss about your day has already been covered--work, bills, what to do this weekend, why did you have to put me on the phone when your mother called, etc--so tv acts as an electronic tranquilizer. Then--when David or Jay brings out their next to last guest, some actor you've never heard of who's recently joined the cast Of Law & Order SVU, let's say--it happens: You shut off the tv, turn to him/her, and before you know it... But, take tv out of the equation, and what have you got? Hours of boredoom, which, as far as I'm concerned is never good for the libido.

Angel--I Need More Info From You

Dear Angel:

Regarding your recent letter to me: I had a hard time getting a good feel for the exact nature of the relationship with your "true love." Unfortunately, your query was vague in certain respects. To the extent that I was able to deduce that your connection with this guy has been strictly over the Internet--that perhaps you have yet to actually meet him in person, even though your corresponding with him has been ongoing for several years now--I think you need to reevaluate whether this is indeed a relationship at all. If I'm wrong, if I have incorrectly assessed your letter, please feel free to write me back in greater detail, and I will be happy to answer you accordingly.

The Peterson Case Redux

Watching and reading the news accounts of the Entwistle tragedy, I can't help but think of its eerie similarities to the Peterson case. They both involve young, attractive couples, a mother and her infant child murdered, and husbands under clouds of suspicion. While we don't yet know how things will play out with Neil Entwistle--is he innocent in the deaths of his wife and daughter, or, like Scott Peterson, is he directly or indirectly responsible for their shocking killings?--we do know that his behavior since the murders were discovered is rather bizarre to say the least, particularly his fleeing the country. What strikes out at you in each instance is how jarring it is to contemplate two seemingly idyllic couples (the kind we all secretly envy), each with the brightest of futures ahead of them, both so horrificly torn asunder. An additional similarity they both now share is their appeal to the national media. Just this morning, as I was getting ready to go to work, I turned on the Today show to get the morning's top news stories, and they, too, were giving the Entwistle story in-depth coverage, as are all the national morning talk shows, not to speak of our own local media's saturation reportage. Since, for all intents and purposes, the Peterson case is now over (the only new development of any interest there will be when, presumably ten years or so from now, Scott Peterson will be executed), you can expect to see this shocking new case become its replacement as the nation's all encompassing murder mystery du jour, captivating our constant attention with each new development, even as we stare at our tv screens and read our daily newspapers in utter incomprehension.

In A Relationship, Who Should Relocate?

Louise writes:

My byfriend and I have been dating for 2 years, but can't agree on who will relocate. Can you advise?

Dear Louise:

Thanks for the letter, Louise (though I wish you had supplied me with a bit more information so as to better help me provide an answer. In any event, I'll do my best to help you out). There are a number of factors to consider regarding a relationship relocation. First and foremost, you need to keep in mind that one of you will actually be moving, basically uprooting yourself/himself from all that is familiar, which, for most people, is a big deal. Accordingly, you guys really need to decide if the long-term prospects of the relationship warrant such a big step in the first place. If the answer to this question is no, well, the issue is pretty much over and done with right there. On the hand, if the both of you feel strong enough in your commitment to each other that having one of you go and live with the other makes sense, then financial and work related considerations undoubtedly come into play. For example, if relocating entails one of you having to look for another job, which one of you is currently better situated and earning a higher income employment wise? (In other words, if you have a great management level job, let's say, earing $100,000 a year, while your boyfriend works part-time as a telemarketer, well, you kind of get the picture as to who would be doing the moving in such a scenario--it wouldnt't by you, Louise.) Further, on which of you would moving to another city or state be the heavier financial burden? As you and your boyfriend go about thoughtfully and carefully addressing these issues, it will hopefully become clearer to the both of you as to who should be doing the leaving and who the staying.

Online Dating Not Working? Consider This

In another recent poll conducted by the romance publisher Harlequin, out of 2,000 people surveyed, only 7 percent believe computer dating services work. In fact, most of them believe chance encounters--not online dating--are the way to go when it comes to meeting a mate (which is something that I basically said in a recent posting, so score one for good old Bobby. I knew there was a reason why I'm writing this blog on Boston.com). Accoring to Evan Mark Katz, who conducted the study, "I think the greatest advice (for meeting someone) is you have to put yourself out there in the world. We have a Hollywood fantasy view of how we like to meet the person we spend the rest of ourlives with. But for the most part it happens in the most mundane ways. So we should take advantage of the opportunities when they arrive by smiling at someone standing in line at the bank or asking for someone's number on the subway." The survey also revealed what most of already knew--there are significant differences between men and women when it comes to dating:

About 26 percent of men drink too much as a confidence booster before going out on a date, while only 15 percent of women get equally soused.

Men were were guilty of making out with someone without knowing their name 22 percent of the time compared to 6 percent for women.

Twice as many men (23 percent) as women said they have had sex on a first date.

So much for all those women who say looks don't matter. Slightly more females (43 percent) than men (38 percent) said they have indeed judged a person by their appearance on a first encounter.

The celebrity females topping the list of who respondents wanted to meet most for a cup of coffee: Martha Stewart, Eva Longoria, Condoleezza Rice, Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Jolie. As for the celebrity men respondents most desired encountering: Hugh Hefner, Kanye West, Partick Dempsey, and that hunka, hunka burnin' love himself, the Dalai Lama.

Do You Have An Office Husband Or Wife?

According to a recent article in the New York Post, a lot us have an office husband or wife. The main benefit of such an arrangement is that there are no strings attached; if things don't work out, you simply move on to someone else. Additionally, unlike in a real marriage, sex isn't typically an issue. Rather, "married" office couples bond over emotional factors like being able to confide in each other at a level of intimacy that rivals those of their real marriages without the guilt. Office marriages can even make workers more productive (though I don't know if you'd ever want to actually run that rationale by your suspecting boss). According to the survey of office workers cited in the story, 32 percent of them said they had an office spouse, with many having more than one. Here's the somewhat freaky part (particularly as you scan your work area this morning), a few of the survey respondents did admit to fantasizing about consumating the relationship.