Relationships

Can We Talk?

Krzbizkit writes:

I am having trouble getting my boyfriend of 4 years to think about moving in together. Is it just me or is 4 years long enough to be dating to have this talk? I have really bad issues and being able to talk about what I am feeling, not just with my boyfriend but in all aspects of life. My inability to confront him about these kinds of things kills our relationship. He is 26 yrs old (I am 24) and he just told me last week that he is getting a place with a buddy of his. Am I wasting my time or overreacting like most girls do? I love my
boyfriend so much, he is the greatest person I have ever met.
How can I get myself to open up to him easier and what do you think about this whole living together situation?

Dear Krzbizkit:

Of course, a four year relationship is certainly long enough to justify your wanting to take the next step and move in with your boyfriend. I am concerned, however, when you write that even after such a fairly lengthy involvement, you still have difficulty in opening up to him about the various issues in your life that are proving to be so troublesome for you right now. I'm wondering if at least part of the reason for this is your possibly feeling that, if you were to try and have these "heart to heart" type talks with him, he might rebuff you or not be as understanding as you would like.

If this is what concerns you, please understand that when you're in a serious, mature relationship, sometimes you just need to be able turn to your partner and say, "Look, there's this issue that's really bothering me, and I would very much like for you to hear me out about it." Rather than blow you off or be indifferent, a truly caring partner will indeed listen and try to help in the resolution of whatever problem the issue entails.

In keeping with this, why don't you sit down with your boyfriend and be open with him about your wanting to live together. Present your side of the issue as clearly and sincerely as you can. Perhaps your doing so will not only get him to reconsider his decision to move in with his buddy, but prove to be just the catalyst you need for finally having real conversations with him on a regular basis about everything you've been keeping inside for so long now. Good luck!!

Battle Of The Sexes

Cazzie2005 writes:

I'd appreciate your thoughts on this.

Dear Cazzie2005:

I think the difference in opinion here between how men view adultery vs. how women see it has to do with the whole gender divide when it comes to sex in general. Specifically: When it comes to sex, men are thought to be primal; when we act out sexually, we allegedly do so always on a purely impulsive, physical and instictual basis. Women, on the other hand, are believed to operate on a higher emotional plane when it comes to sex. For them, physical gratification is secondary to how initimacy makes them "feel."

While I actually think that there is a great deal of truth to this gender based sexual categorization--pornograpy, for example, has a far greater appeal to men than it does women--I still don't like the idea of broad-brushed generalizations, particularly as they apply to the sexes. In other words, there are indeed men who view sex as being more than the pleasures inherent in the physical act of love-making itself; conversely, there are certainly women for whom a great sexual experience is just that.

Marriage And Wealth

It case you already didn't know it, yet another study just came out confirming that marriage is the quickest route to wealth. Now, while it may seem counterintuitive that getting married, having kids, buying a house, etc., would be your best bet for financial independence, the fact is walking down the aisle greatly increases your odds of becoming wealthy.

The explanation for this is based on several “wealth creation” factors specifically pertaining to married couples, including: the pooling of resources, double incomes, home equity, and just a more mature attitude in general when it comes to money and living on a budget. Additionally, people who are married tend to place a greater emphasis on planning for the future and are more practical when it comes to money related decisions than those who are single or just living together with a significant other.

(e.g., Remember that movie, whose title escapes me, with Hugh Grant and Julianne Moore where they play this couple about to have a baby? Grant is torn between keeping his sports car or doing the grown-up thing and trading it in for, heaven forbid, a minivan. Realizing that his becoming a father pretty much does away with his need for his prized babe magnet wheels, he begrudgingly gives in and gets the van. Ouch!!)

The conclusion: The next time you go to the ATM to make a withdrawal--only to realize there’s no money left in your account--you’re probably someone who isn’t wearing a wedding ring.

Dealing With The Competition

Jessica writes:

I was at a club the other night and I met this really, really hot guy. Great, right? The problem: I was there with a group of girls from work and one of them basically tried to interfere with whatever we had going on, even to the point where she gave him her phone number right after I gave him mine. When she did, he kind of looked at the both of us with this really weird look on his face, like he was thinking, “What’s up with this?” I really feel like she was way out of bounds here by moving in on so blatantly on my territory like that. When I confronted her about it the next day at work, she got in my face and was like, “Hey, if you can’t handle the competition, then maybe you shouldn’t be going out to clubs in the first place.” I think she’s the one with the attitude problem. Am I right?

Dear Jessica:

Yes and no. Yes in the sense that a more considerate (and perhaps less desperate?) coworker would have left you and club guy alone, regardless of how “really, really” hot he was. Then again, this is the real world we all live in, for better or worse, and sometimes people don’t always act as we would wish them to. In the case of your coworker, she saw an opportunity to get this guy’s attention as well, and she went for it. I think the lesson here, Jessica, is that should a similar situation once again present itself in the near future, where maybe you guys from work are out together as a group at a club post-work: a.) be prepared for the competition and b.) see if you can’t return the favor by having your phone number ready to hand out to some hot guy your coworker is putting the moves on—let’s see how she likes it when the shoe is on the other foot.

How do you handle the "competition" when you're out at a club and someone trys to steal away from you that hot girl or guy you've just met? Please let me know at my message board.

Stop Worrying, You Did Just Fine

Gizzmo0411 writes:

Thanks in advance for the advice!
Dear Gizzmo0411:

You know what she thinks, Gizzmo? If she has even an ounce of common sense, she more than likely is saying to herself right now: Wow, what a great guy I just met! I mean if everything you write in your letter is true, you really hit this one out of the park, including the whole flowers thing (which, far from being weird--why in the world would you think that??--was right on the money for a first date with a sweet girl).

The operative phrase here is FIRST DATE. It sounds like you went into it by putting a lot of undue pressure on yourself, but that's okay, first dates are often nervewracking. And, again, I think you handled things just fine. Now, get on that phone, and give her a buzz so you can make arrangements for that all important second date--she's probably waiting for your call even as we speak.

Will He Still Be There For Her?

Looking For Answers writes:

And then what? Is his love strong enough for me to keep waiting for me while I put our relationship on hold? I love him, he says he loves me and realizes what a strain all of this on us...we love each other, but in a case like this, is love enough?

Dear Looking For Answers:

You certainly are facing some tough issues in your life right now, and it was probably a wise and good thing for the relationship to be put on hold while your work through them. And, though you boyfriend is presently on the sidelines, this doesn’t mean you should go without any outside emotional support. On the contrary, I think you would benefit greatly from seeking professional counseling from a therapist, particularly for your drinking (especially since it is quite common for people to turn to alcohol when under significant emotional stress as you undoubtedly are at present).

As to your question about “Love being enough.”: I wish I could give you a definitive answer, but I can’t. All I can tell you is, only time will tell. And, while I certainly hope that your boyfriend will be there waiting for you once you’ve resolved all of these issues, he may very well not be. Whether he is or isn’t, however, the good news is that you’ll be such a stronger person for all that you’ve overcome, you’ll be able deal with it either way.

She's Far From Satisfied

Unsatisfied writes:

My boyfriend doesn't seem to be into me sexually. We spend a lot of quality time together in all respects except when its in the bedroom. While I'm no Pamela Anderson, I never had a problem getting a boyfriend, and I usually get hit on by guys when I go out to clubs. I like this guy, but I need to feel like a woman, too, if you know what I mean. Help!

Dear Unsatisfied:

Stop the presses!! We have a report of a guy who seemingly isn't preoccupied with sex!! Okay, all kidding aside, there are a couple of possibilities here. Either he really isn't a sexually revved-up guy or he is but it's going to take same work on your part to bring out that side of his personality. The next time you're alone with him create as intimate an atmosphere as you can. Let him know what it is that you want. His rising to the occasion or not will in either case give you an opportunity to raise this as an issue with him once and for all. Keep in mind, not all guys view themselves as studs or great lovers. Accordingly, be prepared to meet him halfway if he should make it clear to you that the reason he hasn't been all that he could be in the intimacy department is that he is either inexperienced or lacks confidence when it comes to his lovemaking abilities (in other words, be kind; if you are, you just might experience that elusive "satisfaction" you've been looking for.)

Interracial Couples On Screen

There's a new relationship oriented movie out called "Something New," which, for Hollywood anyway, has a unique twist. It centers around the kind of interracial couple not typically seen on the big screen: A young professional black woman and her white, blue-collar boyfriend. I bring this to your attention because I think it’s great anytime something from the artistic realm--a book, painting, play or, in this case, a film--comes along and gets us to look at relationships in an “outside the box” kind of way. Further, with so many breathtakingly beautiful and talented black actresses at its disposal--Halle Berry, Angela Bassett and Beyonce, are just a few who immediately come to mind--why the film industry doesn’t routinely pair them up romantically, without regard to race, with guys like Brad Pitt, Tom Cruise, and Ben Affleck, is beyond me. In fact, the only downside to “Something New” was in its depiction of the two main characters and their ensuing relationship as being about nothing more than trying to overcome racial and cultural differences. I would have liked the movie better if it had simply been about two people from disparate walks of life looking for love and finding it in unexpected places.

This Girl's Got It Too Good

Anna Cristina writes

Thoughts?

Dear Anna Cristina:

If ever there were an example of actions speaking louder than words, the relationship you have with your boyfriend is it. This guy with whom you've been living for over a year, the guy you call a fool, is your: lover, confidante and great friend. Further, by your own admission, he takes care of you, treats you well and shares with you the same belief and value systems. Yeah, he may still be in contact with his ex from time to time, and he may not actually come right out and say he loves you--which puts him in league with, oh, I don't know, a million other guys, perhaps--but, all in all, I think your extremely harsh attitude towards him is both unfair and unwarranted. Better be careful, Anna Cristina, there are a lot of women out there with truly horrible boyfriends who would gladly trade places with you in a New York minute.

Do you agree with my advice to Anna Cristina? Please go to my message board and let me know what you think.