Relationships

Random Observations

You know your are a couple when you don’t have to go out anywhere to have quality time together, but can enjoy an evening of just sitting together on the couch talking about mundane stuff like who did the laundry last.

It’s always awkward watching two people out on a date and you notice that one of them is trying way too hard to impress the other.

There’s always that brief “what’s wrong with this picture” moment when you notice a woman out on a date with a guy who is significantly shorter than she is. (If you’ve never personally seen such a phenomenon, check out recent tabloid photos of Nicole Kidman strolling about with Keith Urban, and you’ll know what I’m talking about.)

Does anyone really think that their parents are a sexy couple?

There would never be break-ups if people always remained on their first date best behavior throughout the entire length of a relationship.

It is true, women find it a turnoff when a guy orders just a salad on a first date.

Guys with whiny voices have a hard time wooing women over the phone.

Women with raspy voices--think Demi Moore--have an easy time wooing men over the phone.

Every woman should own at least one slinky black cocktail dress.

Every guy should own at least one great suit, preferably in black.

The Age Game

I guess because it's such a rarity, but I had to read the article twice just to make sure I hadn't read the age wrong the first time I hit upon it. The rarity to which I refer is when a man marries a much older woman, and the article I'm talking about is the one I came across a couple of weeks ago regarding the divorce of The English Patient star, Ralph Fiennes, age 43, and his 62-year-old wife, actress Francesca Annis.

There's just someting mentally jarring about picturing a guy like Ralph Fiennes, international move hunk, married to a woman in her 60's. Don't get me wrong, I am not suggesting that older woman aren't sexy, alluring and all that good stuff, but, let's face it, how often do you see a hot looking guy walking down the street in romantic holding hands mode with someone clearly old enough to be his mother? Right, not all that often, if indeed ever.

We all know that the reverse of this is quite common: The Donald & Melania, Michael Douglas & Catherine Zeta Jones, Anna Nicole Smith & her 89-year-old husband (oops, sorry about that, folks, he died), etc. Then again, we live in an era when age can seemingly be postponed if you have enough money to take advantage of all of the myriad surgical options for retaining one's youth, everything from Botox injections every three months to lipsuction if you gain so much as a quarter inch worth of cellulitic fat desposited on your inner thighs.

It truly is weird, especially for us guys, when we look at a really attractive woman--who we would swear is no more than in her mid 30's--only to find out that the object of our longing is a 68-year-old retiree visiting the grandkids from Florida, this vision of cosmetically enhanced loveliness brought to us courtesy of good old Dr. 90210.

Take A Chance, There's Nothing To It

Labruja211 writes:

It's so hard to meet people in this city. It's even more difficult to actually meet someone on a public bus or train. I see this same guy everyday. A few times we have sat next to each other. We seemed to exchange glances but how do you start a conversation in a crowded subway? Is there anything i should do? I thought about slipping him my number but if i'm rejected then i have to face him everyday. I should just forget about it. Any advice or similar situations?

Dear Labruja211:

Is the prospect of being rejected by a guy you see most days on a crowded subway train really so unbelievably overwhelming that you can't bring yourself to take a chance and, the next time that you see him, strike up a conversation the basis for which could be, "Boy this train sure is packed. I hate to be stuffed in here like this every day. By the way, my name is Labruja. What's yours?" Even if he were to reject you, the worst that would result from it is your possibly having a split-second's worth of awkward eye contact with him from time to time. So what? I say, go for it!

Dan Strongly Disagrees With Me

Dan writes:

I totally disagree with your response to Alejandro (Sidekick, March 1). You wrote:"Of course you are going to feel particularly down right now, because you have yet to find someone new". Wrong, wrong, wrong. Your advice sounds like that of a 12 year old. What's more, it was irresponsible. If a person continues to be pained and obsessive over an old boyfriend after a whole year, there may be something else going on- you should have urged Alejandro to seek professional help.

Dear Dan:

Before I respond to your letter, let me repost Alejandro's original query to me in its entirety so that people reading this will know what we're talking about:

How do I get him out of my mind? I'm a 20-year-old gay male. My first ex-boyfriend broke up with me almost year ago; he left me for a mutual friend. I still think about him a lot, even though we haven't spoken for so long. My question is how do I stop thinking about him? How can I really move on with my life and forget all this pain they put me through? Do you think I feel this way because I haven't found someone new? Thanks a lot.

While I appreciate your point of view, Dan, I don't agree with it. If everyone sought therapy to deal with the emotional letdown of a break-up, just about everyone would be in therapy. Further, in offering the response that I did, I took into consideration two other factors: 1. Alejandro's age; this was his first relationship experience at the age of 20. If he's like the rest of us, over the next several years he's going to experience many more ups and downs in the game of love. Rather than imply that a session with a mental health professional is necessarily what's required every time a relationship doesn't work out, I wanted Alejandro to understand that the pain he is experiencing is actually quite normal. Granted, if he had mentioned in his letter that he was having suicidal thoughts or anything along those lines, then, of course, I would have strongly urged him to seek counselling. 2. Alejandro himself seemed to be telegraphing to me that he would be able to get past this when he asked me, "Do you think I feel this way because I haven't found somene new?" In fact, I felt at the time of reading his letter--and still do today--that when Alejandro does reenter into a relationship with someone new in his life, his former boyfriend will undoubtedly become simply that to him--an ex.

Putting Out On A First Date

Someone wrote in to me recently asking if I would respect a woman who would "put out" on a first date. The answer is, no, I would not. But the question really shouldn't have been addressed to me or any other guy for that matter. Rather, the query would be more appropriately posed to any woman so inclined as to have sex with someone she's either just met or with a guy she's known for awhile but with whom she's on a date for the very first time.

Based on the aforementioned question about sex on a first date, I asked a few of my female friends what they thought. Here's what each of them had to say:

Lauren: "I think it just sends this really sleazy message to the guy. I mean, I would never sleep with someone I'd just had dinner with, let's say, on a first date situation. Sure, there are a lot of guys out there who are only looking for one thing, so, for them, they'd probably think they just hit the jackpot if a woman said, sure, let's do it, baby, if that's what you want. For me, I'd be so uncomfortable anyway, that for that reason alone, I wouldn't do it. I really would need to get to know a guy and have to feel comfortable with him, you know, before I'd consider our sleeping together.

Jamie: No, I've personally never had sex with a guy on a first date. But I certainly know many women who claim that they had a sexual experience of one kind or another with a guy they had just met. Usually their reason for doing so is because they said they were really into the guy or they felt that if they didn't sleep with him he wouldn't ever call them again. For me, I don't put that kind of pressure on myself. Yeah, there have been a few times I've thought about it, but I always come back to the whole not respecting myself in the morning issue. I guess I just think it falls into the only a slut would do that category. Of course, not everyone feels this way, and it's obviously up to each woman to decide for herself what's right for her.

Nicole: I've dated a lot of guys, and, yes, I have "put out," as you call it, from time to time on a first date. I guess I don't have a problem admitting this because, for me, sex is not like this taboo thing. If the situation is right, if the connection with the guy is there, and he's wanting it, then, yeah, sleeping with him after just meeting him is something I'd definitely consider. Sure, there have been times when I've kind of regretted it the next morning, but there have also been times when it just felt so right that the next day was like, wow, that was great, no guilt, no second thoughts about it at all. I think what it comes down to for most woman is their attitude about sex in general. The more open-minded you are and accepting of different lifestyles, let's say, that kind of thing, which is certainly the case in France, which is where I come from, then it really isn't such a big deal, whereas in the US it does seem to be more of an issue for a lot of women I know who don't have the kind of European sensibility about intimacy that predominates among women in that part of the world.

To add your thoughts on the subject, please go to my message board.

They Did It, So Can You

Anabelle and Tony, a Match.com Success Story couple, share how they did it—and how you can, too. Anabelle and Tony are a real success story—they met on Match.com and have been married for a year. Here’s how they met: While visiting her sister in California, Anabelle went online--just looking for friends. She wound up meeting Tony and, after just two weeks, knew he was The One and went back home to Texas just long enough to pack up. Six months after moving to be near Tony, he proposed on her birthday, and the rest is history! At a recent live chat, they talked about their experience and offered advice about online dating. (To read Anabelle and Tony's comments, please click on the link above.)

Loosen Up And Have Some Fun

Blehbli writes:

I’m 21 and need some advice. My situation is a bit different than most folks but here it goes. Basically I’m from Colombia and came to live in Boston about 10 years ago. Right now I commute to college in Boston and work at the same time. I have no other family except my brother in the U.S. and my mom passed away 2 years ago from cancer. All my life I’ve been kinda shy until the end of my high school years when I became somwehat more outgoing. I had to take a year off to stay with my mom and I lost track with friends from HS. Basically I’m trying to meet new people, friends and maybe date. However I live a bit far away in Mattapan--about an hour's drive--from the city (Boston), so I hardly ever take part in the downtonw social scene. I’ve tried to join clubs and things at my school, but I realize that I don’t click with most people for they are more into sports, parties… I prefer to explore the deeper things in life and question everything around me. Basically at the moment I have really no friends and nobody to really talk to. I’ve dated once and I guess I kinda miss that, but if anybody could give me some advice or something on how I could meet people, because I would love to be part of some type of social scene….

Dear Blehbli:

First, I am so sorry about your mother. Losing a parent is never easy, particularly when you find yourself in a different country from the one in which you were raised as a child.

Maybe one of the reasons you're having a difficult time establishing social connections, Blehbli, is that at least initially anyway, you might be giving off the wrong signals as far as "approachability" when it comes to meeting new people. For example, you mention in your letter that you "prefer to explore the deeper things in life and question everything around me." There's nothing wrong with this per se, but as the old expression goes, "Sometimes you have to go along to get along." In other words, I think it would be in your best interest to kind of "reposition" yourself socially. Instead of closing yourself off from large groups of potential friends & romantic partners by being perhaps on the aloof and even esoteric side, make an effort to expand your interest in and knowledge of--even if it's on a basic level--the type of things a good number of your peers are into, you know, music, movies and, yes, sports. I bet if you do, people will start respoding to you more positively, and you'll soon find yourself far less lonely and isolated than you seem to be presently.

Near-Term Wedding Plans?

Vaughn writes:

I am in love with a man that I have been dating for about a year now. We both love each other, and I know that he is the one that I want to spend the rest of my life with; how do I know if he feels the same. Should I ask if he plans to marry me?

Dear Vaughn:

Absolutely. Further, as long as you're not desiring an imminent wedding, which I don't think is the case here, you can do so without putting too much pressure on him by phrasing it exactly as you did in your letter, "...plans to marry me?" (By emphasizing "plans," with it's in the near future but not immediate connotation, you can gauge his commitment level to you without having your marriage query come across as an ultimatum.)

The Foods You Eat = The People You'll Meet

A new book, "What's Your Food Sign? How to Use Food Cues to Find True Love," claims that taste preferences can be a great way by which to select a mate. The author, Dr. Alan Hirsh, neuroligical diretor of Chicago's Smell and Taste Treatment Research Foundation, tested over 18,000 married people during the course of two decades.

This "food Rorscharch test," as Dr. Hirsch calls it, encompassed more that 1,000 questions, which Hirsch and his team used to determine the pesonality traits of his subjects. Based on this data, Hirsch was able to examine study participants' food preferences using a "forced-choice method" from which test subjects make selections from among five or six options.

Among Hirsch's findings:

ICE CREAM

Coffe ice cream lovers live life with gusto. They don't spend too much time thinking about the future. They are most compatible with strawberry lovers.

Strawberries and cream lovers handle stress badly and may often feel guilty, overwhelmed and inadequate. Easily irritated and cranky, they suffer from low self-esteem and may have trouble finding long-term love. Their best bet is to try hooking-up with chocolate chips.

Mint chocolate chips are ambitious, argumentative, confident skeptics. Convinced that good things never last they can wreak havoc on relationships.

Double chocalate dunkers are self-absorbed drama queens who may be charming, seductive and flirtatious. They might be gullible and trusting, so thrive best in intimate close relationships. They are compatible wit butter pecans or chocolate chips.

Strawberry lovers tend be followers, not leaders, who work well in teams. They are slow to love, but are loyal and supportive once they've committed. They are compatible with rocky roaders and vanillas.

Vanillas are dependent, needy idealists wha are most comfortable in a secure relationship. They are compatible with rocky roads and other vanillas.

BREAKFAST

Men who prefer donuts for breakfast are thoughtful and more sexually reserved. They enjoy group activities and value their guy friends but may fear rejection from women.

Men who prefer pink grapefruit for breakfast think about sex most of the time and may be sexually aggressive. They are also more liable to jump headfirst into intimate relationships.

Women who prefer hanana-nut bread for breakfast are inquisitive, enjoy self-discovery and physical contact. They also tend to enjoy sexual fantasies and may use them as an escape.

Cafe au lait drinkers are into tradition, are not that ambitious and, possibly, superstitious.

Men who order pecan-rolls fro breakfast tend to be loyal and true. they won't stray, but these are the guys with whom woment tend to eventually get bored.

Gingerbread latte lovers feel special and enjoy power. They may also be easily irritated.

Women who prefer cherries for breakfast tend to be more uncompromising, seeing things in black and white, which makes them more unrealistic in relationships.

SNACKS

If you like pretzels, your over-committed, fad following, quirky and fun. You're good with other pretzels, but may fall for chips and cheese curls.

Tortilla chips: You're a justice minded perfectionist who's always on time. You need to stick with other tortilla chips.

Meat snacks: You're gregarious, generous, over-trusting and go out of your way to to please others. You should stick with your own kind, but don't be afraid to explore potato chips.

Potato chips: You're a competitive high-achieve. You are compatible with chips and pretzels.

Nut lovers are easygoing go-with-the-flow types. They go with other nuts.

Snack crackers: You're a nonconfrontational, well-rounded, analytical thinker who enjoys time alone. You should look for a partner in the pretzel ailse.

Popcorn: You're likely very successful, but are extremely modest and humble--possibly the millionaire philanthtopist who lives next door. You are compatible with other popcorns and may also mate well with potatos.

VEGETABLES & FRUITS

If you prefer fresh apples, pineapple glaze and corn on the cob, you don't like taking "no" for an answer and ahve a work-hard, play-hard ethic.

Men who like strawberries tend be insecure and suffer from feelings of inadequacy. They also like to be dominated.

If you prefer applesauce, pineapple chunk of creamed corn, you're likely to be more passive, easygoing and an all around agreeable lunch date.

Like spicy pickles? You're probably a pessimist.

Veggie lovers who avoid fruit are introspective, conscientious decision-makers who tend to be sensitive to the needs of those around them.

Fruit lovers wh avoid veggies are stong-minded and ambitious natural leaders. Some people might consider dominant or aggressive.

Prune lovers are more extroverted and enjoy groups. They prefer malls to boutiques.

If you like most of the following items: bananas, broiled fish, fruit, honey, tapioca, nuts and hot curry, you're a natural optimist who values friends and is easy to work with. If you don't like most of those food? You're a suspicious pessimist with trust issues.

If you like grapes or plums, you're probably a quiet introvert who enjoys flying solo.