Friday, February 24, 2006

Do Ask, Do Tell

Need Some Direction writes:

I have been in a comitted relationship for 19 months. We moved in together after 10 months of dating. I want to spend the rest of my life with this person. The challenge is we seem to have a hard time communicating about marriage, family, and the future. I don't want to push but if we are not in the same life path I would like to know. Do you think his inability to communicate on this subject is my answer?

Dear Need Some Direction:

Not necessarily. Guys are often seemingly genetically incapable of opening up about their true feelings involving commitment issues, whereas most women, yourself included it sounds like, have an easier time of it as far as articulating what it is they want in a relationship. What's already in your favor is that you guys have been living together for 9 months now, and your wanting to discuss with him the prospect of marriage at this point in time is far from unreasonable.

I think there are three possible outcomes here: 1. You don't jeopordize things with him by pushing the marriage issue, and continue living with him until such time as he comes around to your way of thinking, which is that you guys should tie the knot. 2. You don't push the marriage issue, continue living with him for awhile longer until you conclude beyond any doubt that he is never going to end up proposing to you, and, not being on the same "life path," you break-up with him. 3. You decide that you don't want to wait, that you want to know his long-term intentions with you right here, right now, so you basically tell him you want an answer: Does he ever intend to marry you? If the answer is yes, great, if it's no or something wishy-washy like, "let's just continue living together and see where things lead," again, you may decide that ending this relationship and starting anew with someone else might be your best bet.

Let's recap then: Given that you've been living together for nearly a year as well as your stated desire of wanting to spend the rest of your life with this guy, your ascertaining where this relationship is going, if ultimately anywhere, is entirely appropriate, so don't feel as though you are unduly backing him into a corner. You have every right to know what he's thinking, even if this means your kind of having to pry it out of him!