Wednesday, February 1, 2006

They Keep Coming Back For More

NYGirl77 writes:

This is going to sound odd, but I've been having a "purely" physical relationship with someone for more than a year now. When we first started seeing one another, neither of us really knew what to expect, because our situation has never been ideal for real-life dating (we work together, and are actually in violation of company policy). Since the beginning a lot has happened in terms of other relationships, etc, but we still have remained in contact and are intimate rather frequently. I have tried to tell myself time and time again that this is physical and nothing more, but I guess like any human being, I find myself here a year later with more feelings than I know what do with. We've tried to stop seeing each other on several different occasions, both agreeing that we're doing ourselves a disservice by perpetuating our "friendship" but we always manage to pick up right where we left off, usually only days after we agree to stop. I have never had such a lack of self-control as I seem to with regard to this person, and I know the same can be said for him. I guess my question is how do we know if this is something worth pursuing? And how, after a year of getting to know each other behind closed doors, would we transition to the outside world? A lot would have to change for us to move forward, and I think we're both pretty nervous about that.

Dear NYGirl77:

Hmmm. Part of me thinks that what keeps you guys coming back together again and again is indeed purely physical. However, you yourself say that as regards this guy you have more "feelings" than you know what to do with. So, it may very well be that what started out as just a sexual thing has turned into something more. Moreover, what you describe is no mere two week infatuation, but a year long connection. Despite the company policy issue that you raise, which I'll address in a moment, I think you should try and find out once and for all if this is a real relationship that you're in--something that encompasses more than just the physical--or not. To do that, offer this guy the opportunity to take things to the next level with you. Suggest to him, for example, that you start going out together on a regular basis, just like a regular couple, with the attitude being that the time you're spending together is about more than just engaging in the heretofore sexual rendevouz. Should he agree to this, it will be a true indication that he, too, possibly has deeper "feelings" for you as well. Back to the company policy problem: You're simply going to have to be discreet while testing the relationship waters, which shouldn't be all that difficult for you anyway--you've already managed to keep things with him a secret for a year. Personally, I think the whole prohibition against workplace romance is nonsense. As long as you conduct yourself professionally while on the job, the fact that you may be involved socially/romantically with a coworker away from the office is, in my opinion, irrelevant.