Thursday, March 2, 2006

Dan Strongly Disagrees With Me

Dan writes:

I totally disagree with your response to Alejandro (Sidekick, March 1). You wrote:"Of course you are going to feel particularly down right now, because you have yet to find someone new". Wrong, wrong, wrong. Your advice sounds like that of a 12 year old. What's more, it was irresponsible. If a person continues to be pained and obsessive over an old boyfriend after a whole year, there may be something else going on- you should have urged Alejandro to seek professional help.

Dear Dan:

Before I respond to your letter, let me repost Alejandro's original query to me in its entirety so that people reading this will know what we're talking about:

How do I get him out of my mind? I'm a 20-year-old gay male. My first ex-boyfriend broke up with me almost year ago; he left me for a mutual friend. I still think about him a lot, even though we haven't spoken for so long. My question is how do I stop thinking about him? How can I really move on with my life and forget all this pain they put me through? Do you think I feel this way because I haven't found someone new? Thanks a lot.

While I appreciate your point of view, Dan, I don't agree with it. If everyone sought therapy to deal with the emotional letdown of a break-up, just about everyone would be in therapy. Further, in offering the response that I did, I took into consideration two other factors: 1. Alejandro's age; this was his first relationship experience at the age of 20. If he's like the rest of us, over the next several years he's going to experience many more ups and downs in the game of love. Rather than imply that a session with a mental health professional is necessarily what's required every time a relationship doesn't work out, I wanted Alejandro to understand that the pain he is experiencing is actually quite normal. Granted, if he had mentioned in his letter that he was having suicidal thoughts or anything along those lines, then, of course, I would have strongly urged him to seek counselling. 2. Alejandro himself seemed to be telegraphing to me that he would be able to get past this when he asked me, "Do you think I feel this way because I haven't found somene new?" In fact, I felt at the time of reading his letter--and still do today--that when Alejandro does reenter into a relationship with someone new in his life, his former boyfriend will undoubtedly become simply that to him--an ex.