Thursday, March 9, 2006

Sexual Ebbs & Flows

Nessa writes:

My boyfriend of 6 months and I are kinda struggling right
now. At first the sex was great, and then he came out with "you treat me like your whore" b/c my sex drive was really high. Now, I am afraid to initiate anything for fear that he will feel used. So now our sex life has really suffered a great deal. For me, the sex was an affirmation of his love, which it seems we women do on a regular basis. For him, it seems like a lot less. He is always telling me he loves me, but it doesn't seem like he is into "making love"
just having raw sex when we do. It makes me feel used and like it is only ok to have sex when he wants it, and that my needs were never important. Now he is getting upset that I don't seem attracted to him anymore. How do we fix this. I am still attracted to him, but I think that I am having a hard time believing he really loves me. Is there a way we can fix this problem?

Dear Nessa:

It seems like your boyfriend is putting you in one of those--damned if you do, damned if you don't--kind of situations. On the one hand, when you were having frequent, passionate sex with him, he felt like you were just using him as some kind of a disposable sex toy. On the other hand, in response to his feeling this way, you have since ramped down the sexual component of the relationship, but this has created an entirely new problem, which is that he now seems to think your attraction to him isn't what it once was.

I think the way you attempt to fix this is by tying to work out a mutually agreeable compromise here--one based on openness and honesty--as regards both of your respective feelings and needs when it comes to physical intimacy (which is a high-falutin' two word substitute for the more direct, one word synonym, "sex"). I think you guys can ultimately deal with this issue because it sounds as if you have more than just a sexual connection with him, even though, right now anyway, this is the area causing friction between the two of you.

Again, get yourselves on the same page communication wise about what it is each of you want sexually, for until this occurs, a workable resolution will be hard to come by.