Couples with wedding websites face issues of tastefulness

It used to be that when a couple decided to wed, their thoughts turned to finding the perfect band, or location for their vows, or buttercream-bathed confection. Now, the website's the thing, a virtual clearinghouse to assist guests with everything from chapel address to hotel accommodations .

Of course, some couples go much further. They include details of how they locked eyes across a crowded room, what kind of wine they ordered on their first date, biographies of the entire wedding party, even photographs of themselves embracing, passionately.

It's all very sweet. Until it gets cloying. Or annoying. Or just too much.

"We've had some clients get a little too detailed with their requests and stories," said Amy Ruocco, 38, founder of weddingwindow.com, a wedding website company in Marblehead. Ruocco has set up some 25,000 websites since launching her company in 2003, for couples as far away as Uruguay and Uzbekistan. While she believes a website is the best way to get all the happy nuptial details to guests, Ruocco concedes that occasionally a couple can go too far.

Like the time a bride and groom revealed -- on their wedding website -- that their relationship began with a one-night stand.

"I don't think that your guests need to know that," Ruocco said, "or your family even wants to know that."

Perhaps it's the influence of sites like MySpace, where almost no biographical information is off-limits. Or the explosion of blogs, where revealing one's private thoughts, at length, is expected. But some couples are turning their wedding websites into electronic diaries, veering from tasteful to tacky with a click of a mouse.

Observers say that because the wedding-website industry is still only a few years old, the rules for what's acceptable are still fuzzy. Many sites are set up with fields to be filled in: "first date," "proposal," and so on. And so the tales come rushing forth. But even though the sites are private -- family and friends have a password to log on -- some guests can still be made uncomfortable by the sheer volume of personal detail.

"Aunt Mary wouldn't necessarily be privy to the answers to these questions," said Manchester resident Allison Moir-Smith, a counselor and author of "Emotionally Engaged: A Bride's Guide to Surviving the 'Happiest' Time of Her Life." "It's YouTube culture. When you put everything out there, what's left that's private to the couple?"

Anna Post , author of the forthcoming "Emily Post's Wedding Parties," cautions that no matter how private a site might feel, you should think twice about what's included, like a picture of that sexy, open-mouthed kiss.

"What if a co-worker pulls up the site and your boss walks by?" Post asks. "Is it something that you'd want them to see?" If the answer is no, nix it from the site. As for text, Post's rule of thumb is not to include anything that you wouldn't tell guests face to face.

Even the most decorous couples are having to negotiate which details to share on their website. Like anything else related to a wedding, it can take time to find common ground.

"The audience I care about, and the person who I was worried would feel it was an over-share, was my mom," said Nicole, a 34-year-old Boston attorney who's marrying her partner, Amy, this August. The couple asked that their last names not be used. "The fact that she's really comfortable with the site and loves it was assurance that we weren't going over the line."

But in the process of creating the site, Nicole and Amy realized they had different perspectives on just what qualifies as private. When they were discussing what to post about the proposal, for example, Amy, a 31-year-old product manager, would've been happy to include exactly what each said. But Nicole refused.

"That's between us," she told her partner.

Of course, some couples feel the very point of a wedding website is to help their guests to get to know them better.

Ruocco founded her company in 2001 after planning her own wedding. She and her then husband-to-be, Bryan, wanted a place to share personal stories about themselves so their guests could get to know them better in advance.

"When guests came to celebrate with us on our wedding day, it was, in fact, a celebration instead of a get-to-know-you session," Ruocco said.

As the number of wedding websites proliferates, so is the number of couples who are trying to determine what works online and what doesn't, what's refined and what's rude.

According to theknot.com , a popular wedding resource site, 3,000 new members join each day with about 1,100 creating a website. In 1999, the first year theknot.com offered the service, approximately 12,000 sites were launched. The following year, that number leapt to 88,000. In 2006, it rose to 310,000.

Matt and Amy Kelly, a husband and wife team from Ontario, Canada, launched their website company, ewedding.com , in 2002. While Matt says the number of couples signing up for websites is soaring, so is the number of personal details they include.

Most couples, he said, create a site six months before the wedding and continue to update it afterward , with photos from the big day, the honeymoon, and the new house. Some of their clients, he said, are now posting YouTube videos.

And what happens a year or two after the wedding? Ruocco has got that covered: babywindow.com .