Parent Talk Corner: Unexpected Thoughts on Bringing Home Baby #2 or More

While I got some great emails back from friends, I found out that no one actually has those secrets. And maybe – just maybe – that is the secret of it all. That no one really has the answer to how to make older children graciously accept the little person who has come home to stay forever. And maybe – and I put this out there knowing there are those who will disagree – we should stop trying so hard.

I mean, isn’t a sibling relationship built out of at least (at least!) 10 percent resentment anyway? How many of us harbor grudges against our siblings? Like how we were forced to wait until we were 10 to get our ears pierced, but our younger sister got hers when she was only eight. Or, how our brother used to get away with everything and we were punished for every wrong deed. It’s just built into sibling relationships, along with all the amazing things, like how your sibling shares your history like nobody else, how brothers and sisters are your first friends and the ones you will always know the longest, and how sibling love – while tested – doesn’t ever go away.

I’m not saying there aren’t things we should avoid doing when we bring a new baby home. Certainly I don’t think we should blindly go through the whole thing without considering an older child’s feelings. I was so worried about my older daughter when our younger daughter was born: worried that she would never love the baby; worried she would stop feeling close to me; worried that she would resent her little sister for intruding on a world filled with constant parental attention; worried that if I handled it wrong she would always hate her sister and might even try to smother her in the dead of the night.

I tried to do what the magazines said and more - I set aside time for her, I didn’t say things like, “I can’t play with you because the baby needs me,” I treated her like a helper and praised her for her loving actions toward the baby. But in the end, she had bad days and often resented her sister and the time I spent taking care of the baby. That – I think – is just normal. (And there was never an attempted smothering, by the way).
And now, when I watch them playing together, I see how my two girls are good for each other. I see now how there are hard times but, mostly, good times prevail. They resent each other for various reasons – and will continue to for life, by the way! – but that they love each other, and learn from each other, and there’s something I can learn from that.
If we do this again, I’m not going to worry so much. I realize now that I won’t scar my children by having another child. As my sister-in-law said, “When I stopped thinking of a sibling as a problem and started thinking about it as a gift, it took away the guilt.” And she should know – she has five kids.

In the end, there is no right answer. And there is no method that is going to make any child get through the transition without any issue. Kids are going to sometimes make it hard to bring home another baby, and that’s normal. And we should not put ridiculous pressure on ourselves – or our kids – to get through the transition unscathed. But we also shouldn’t treat the sibling transition like a trauma that can’t be overcome unless we take all the right steps. It is a normal part of life and something that changes both parents and children – and overall, for the better.

So take this as just one parent’s opinion. But if it frees you from guilt or a little bit of pressure, then good. And enjoy the wonderful experience of bringing your new baby home!

Rachel Busby is a Parent Talk member who lives in Needham with her family. Her two daughters love each other most of the time, and that’s good enough.