In teenager's death a tragic reminder

"A lot of parents want to talk about these things with their kids, but don't have the confidence or language," said Jon Mattleman, director of the Needham Youth Commission. "A good place to start can be asking your teen, 'If you saw one of your friends in trouble, how would you handle it?' "

Don't allow a denial like "It could never happen to me" from your teen end the conversation, Mattleman advised. "Keep asking," he said. "Say, 'Do you think those kids knew what to do?' 'What do you think happened that they weren't expecting?'

"Thinking it through now could save someone's life later."

According to police reports, Mun left the party on foot around 5 a.m. Sunday. Police started searching about two hours later, after partygoers could not locate her. Search crews discovered the teen around 10:40 a.m., facedown and unresponsive in a brook about 200 yards from the house. As of Tuesday, officials were still investigating whether adults were present in the house, and whether alcohol was a factor in Mun's death.

Parents have to remember to keep the discussion about party safety "a conversation, not a one-way lecture," advised Erica McNamara, director of the Reading Coalition Against Substance Abuse, a 239-member community group formed in 2006.

"Parents tend to go into the talks with a mission and an agenda, but they have to remember it's about sharing space with their child," she said. "Parents think because they talked about alcohol abuse with their kid once in eighth grade," that's enough. "It needs to be an ongoing conversation."

Teens need to be reminded that protecting friends doesn't mean covering up misdeeds, she said, since many do not understand alcohol poisoning can be deadly and are too afraid of punishment to call for help.

McNamara said she expected the Andover tragedy to be the first thing mentioned at a meeting yesterday of the coalition's 20-member Youth Crew.

"I think the kids will have a lot to say about it, and the question they will have will be, 'What message do you think we need to get out to the community?' "

Making sure teens know the value of having a buddy - someone to watch out for them - at a party is useful, as is the constant reinforcement of family values about drugs and alcohol, the counselors said.

"Research shows us the top deterrent to substance abuse among kids is what their parents will say about it," said Larry Berkowitz, a psychologist and program director for Riverside Trauma Center in Needham, a division of Dedham-based Riverside Community Care that serves 14,000 clients a year in 70 Eastern Massachusetts communities.

Many teens and parents do not consider that the hazards of underage drinking go far beyond driving and alcohol poisoning. Teens who have been drinking are more prone to become a victim of accidents like drowning and falling, said McNamara.

The cold weather is especially dangerous. Teens who wander into ice, slush, and snow can become hypothermic in a matter of minutes if they aren't properly dressed in warm-weather gear. That's yet another reason to use the buddy system for walking alone at night, especially in an unfamiliar area, said Berkowitz.

Parents should remain firm about rules, even when teens object, the experts said.
It is perfectly reasonable for parents of high school juniors and seniors to call parents of a party host to make sure an adult will supervise, Mattleman said.

Or when teens come to your home, greet them and make sure coats and backpacks are not spirited to an unsupervised room, he said. Wander through the party every hour or two to remind them that you are around. "Your kid may say, 'This is so humiliating,' and you can say, 'Fine, that's your right to stay home and not see friends,' " Mattleman said.

Parents picking up their teen from a friend's home late at night should ring the bell and chat with the parent inside, instead of placing an "I'm-outside-waiting" call from the car. "It will be a lot easier to talk to that parent in the future, if you've already put a face with the name," he said.

"The kids may hate all of this, but the bottom line for parents is that your main job is to keep kids safe and sound."

Erica Noonan can be reached at enoonan@globe.com

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