Readers Say

Boston.com readers shared 100 of their favorite dad jokes, and they’re gloriously terrible

“How can you tell a joke is a dad joke? It is fully groan."

Chevy Chase had a fondness for dad jokes in the "National Lampoon's Vacation" series. Warner Bros.

March 31, 2023

We believe it was Friedrich Nietzsche who said, “A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.” But we’re more prone to subscribe to the philosophy of Dave B. of Columbia, South Carolina, formerly of Marshfield, who said, “Dad jokes: It’s how eyeroll.”

Apologies to old Friedrich, but Dave B.’s knowing pun seems to perfectly encapsulate the raison dêtre of the entire “dad joke” concept: to elicit a roll of the eyes, a groan, or a frustrated “Daaaaad!!” from our easily embarrassed children. (Or, on a good day, all three.)

Which is probably why Boston.com readers like Dave — responding to our story about the recent study that proved telling dad jokes is just good parenting — were more than willing to share their favorite groaners. In fact, we had to narrow them down just to get to the list of the 100 best (worst) ones below.

More Comedy:

Even better than the jokes, though, in some cases were the stories that came with them. “Every time my dad was driving and saw someone pulled over by a cop, he said, ‘Looks like someone is getting a good driving award!,’” shared mandygirl0923 via Instagram. “Now I say it too.”

And jmmcg1959 recalls, “My dad accosted every young man I brought home and said, ‘I have to go to an event, should I wear a henway?’ ‘Um, what’s a henway sir?’ ‘Oh, about 3 or 4 pounds.’”

From Emily M. of Needham’s dad, who would admonish her to “pee well” every time she said she had to pee badly — “I can’t even say how many times we had this exchange throughout my childhood,” she wrote — to Keith N. of Grafton, who admits to yelling “Hey!” every time he drives with his daughter past a bail of hay, we enjoyed the stories of dad jokes past and present.

But even more enjoyable were the jokes themselves, at least in an embarrassing, so-bad-they’re-good kind of way. Below, you’ll find 100 of our favorite examples, from all genres: The “did you hear about” jokes, the “what do you call” jokes, the “why did” jokes — all are well represented.

And there were surprisingly few repeats, with one exception. Of the hundreds of readers who responded, many couldn’t resist this classic:

“How can you tell when something is a dad joke? It’s always apparent.”

100 dad jokes from Boston.com readers

(Some have been edited for length, clarity, or comedy reasons.)

“A horse walks into a bar, the bartender says, ‘Why such a long face?’” — Scott H. via Facebook
“At school today I told a joke in science class and I didn’t get a reaction.” — Michelle B., Georgetown
“Being a cheesemonger is a career that never a curd to me.” — Maynard B.
“Conjunctivitis.com … Now that’s a site for sore eyes!” — Derek T., Plymouth
Dad: “What’s a pirate’s favorite letter?” Kid: “RRRggh?” Dad: “No matey, it’s the C!” — Davin
“Despite defacing buildings being a crime, graffiti artists who place their works on tall buildings usually have the mural high ground.” — Jonathan A., Swampscott
“Did you hear about the explosion down at the cheese factory? It was really bad, there was nothing left but da-brie.” — lambert.c via Instagram
“Did you hear about the guy who got caught stealing calendars? He got 12 months.” — maguire1454 via Instagram
“Did you hear about the guy who got his coffee stolen? He was mugged.” — emquach123 via Instagram
“Did you hear about the Italian chef that died? He pasta way.” — Mike B. via Facebook
“Did you hear about the pregnant bedbug? She’s due in the spring.” (“I’m a mail carrier and one of my customers has fabulous dad jokes. That’s my favorite.”) — Cape Cod
“Did you hear about the new mind-controlled air freshener? It makes scents when you think about it.” — Charlie K., Sunapee, New Hampshire
“Did you hear about the new shovel? It’s really groundbreaking!” — Gary L., Worcester
“Did you know that new roofs are free? Yeah, they’re always on the house.” — Marty, Plainville
“Do you know why chicken coops always have two doors? Because if they had four doors, they’d be a chicken sedan.” — Jim T., Georgetown
“Do you know why scallops don’t share? Because they’re shellfish.” — rowrow11 via Instagram
“Do you know why they call it a latte? Because it costs a lot, eh?” — Newbie, Winchester
Driving by a cemetery: “Do you know why cemeteries have walls? People are just dying to get in there.” Follow-up: “How many dead people do you think are in there? All of them!” (“Passed down to a 3rd generation!”) — Brian, Dorchester
“Every time we have Chinese food I open my fortune cookie and my kids say ‘What does it say?’ and I say ‘Help! I’m trapped in a Chinese fortune cookie factory!'” — David C., Winchester
“Here in the South we enjoy a good Himalayan deer stew. That where you find him-a-layin’ there in the road, you take him home, and you cook him into a stew.” — Dave C., Lebanon, Missouri
“Hey kids, I had quite the experience getting ready for my business trip. I was at the airport and not feeling well, which really concerned me — I thought it could be a ‘terminal’ illness … And then when I boarded the plane, I learned the pilot had JUST passed his pilots exam. He apparently had to fly through a rainbow as part of it! But it’s all good, he passed with flying colors.” (“I always tell these jokes to my kids when I’m getting ready to go on a business trip.”) — Doug A., Andover
“Honey, have you seen the dog bowl?” “I didn’t know he could.” — doctorbrit via Instagram
“How can you tell a joke is a dad joke? It is fully groan.” — funflynns via Instagram
“How do you get a duck dinner? Jump in a lake.” (“My next door neighbor, also a dad, used to run this one constantly. He’d laugh every time. We wouldn’t. I’d always think, but ducks are on TOP of the water, and what do I do once I’m IN this lake? Nowadays, none of that logic stops me from regularly unleashing this groaner on my kids! The circle of life …”) — Brendyn, Arlington
“I don’t like going through corn mazes … I feel like I’m being stalked.” — psboynh via Instagram
“I don’t have a dad bod … this is a father figure!” — Mark K., Chilmark
“I got a bunch of jokes about unemployed people … but unfortunately none of them work.” — Mike L. via Facebook
“I hate elevator music. It’s bad on so many levels.” (“My husband told me this one.”) — honeyb1024 via Instagram
“I hate my job — all I do is crush cans all day. It’s soda pressing.” — Matt L., Newburyport
“I just got over a cold and my girlfriend asked me how I feel. I said, ‘With my fingers of course.’” — Vincent C., Malden
“I tried to catch the rain … Mist.” — cmnaquarius via Instagram
“I used to be addicted to the Hokey Pokey, but I turned myself around.” — A Lake, Westwood
“I wondered why the frisbee was getting bigger … Then it hit me.” — Beth G.
“I bought a pair of shoes from a drug dealer the other day. I don’t know what he laced them with but I was tripping.” (“I tell this joke out in public to every cashier I come across.”) — Jeremy G., Pennsylvania
“I did a pun contest, they had us enter 10 with the hopes that one might win. Unfortunately for me, no-pun-in-ten did.” — Josh D., Hanover
“I spotted an albino dalmatian. It was the least I could do for him.” (“Told to me by my dad.”) — Joe K., Andover
“I went camping and saw a sign that said, ‘No running, you have to ran.’ I was confused until I realized it was because it’s past tents.” (“HAHAHAAHAHAHA!”) — Kevin C., Jamaica Plain
“I went to the doctor, he said, ‘You have a week to live!’ I said I can’t pay the bill, doctor replies, ‘OK, you have two weeks!’” (“My dad was the king of corny dad jokes. Now I find myself recycling them!”) — Peter Z., Rockport
“I’ve had this old recliner since college. We both go way back.” — hashtagbentarr via Instagram
“I’ve got a great one about a couch, but I’m sitting on it for now…” — kayfergiee via Instagram
“Is that a rose on your nose? No, it’s (s)not.” — Michael L., Mansfield
“It’s inappropriate to make a ‘dad joke’ if you’re not a dad. It’s a faux pa.” — Steve R., Bridgewater
“It’s too bad that the inventor of the carousel and the inventor of the ferris wheel never met. They ran in different circles.” (“I was told this joke.”) — Josh P., Woburn Highlands
“My brother Jay always wanted to name kids after him. So when he had twin girls, he named them Kay and Elle.” — Paul P. via Facebook
“My dad always preached road safety to me as a kid. He would tell me, ‘One who runs behind car get exhausted. One who runs in front of car gets two-tired.’” — Nick R., Longmeadow
“My dad’s sisters aren’t worried about COVID. They have auntie-bodies.” — Joe, Natick
“On the way to work today I stopped by a fast food place and had a kid’s meal. You wouldn’t believe how mad his mom was!” — Joseph P.
“One snowman said to the other, ‘Is it just me, or do you smell carrots?’” — Richard P., West Boylston
“Put out the dog, please.” “Why? Is he on fire?” — Ben P., Williamsburg
“The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this.” — George, Boston
“The guy that invented the umbrella wanted to call it the ‘brella,’ but he hesitated.” — Jelani-Dia K.M. via Facebook
“The sun went down and I waited all night to see where it went. Then … it dawned on me.” — Darryl P., North Andover
“The Zamboni guy has gone missing, they hope he will resurface soon.” — Michael B. via Facebook
“There are three types of lamas. A one-L lama is a holy man. A two-L llama is an animal. A three-L lama is a fire in East Boston.” — David C., Winchester
“Two guys walk into a bar, the third one ducks.” — Scott P., Peabody
“Two cannibals are eating a clown. One cannibal says to the other, ‘Does this taste funny to you?’” — Ashland Mom
“Two satellite dishes got married. The ceremony was alright but the reception was phenomenal.” — Anonymous
“What did the mama buffalo say to the baby buffalo before he left for school? ‘Bi-son.’” — kellycarneyus via Instagram
“What do you call a chicken staring at a bowl of lettuce? Chicken sees a salad.” — Hazel C.M. via Facebook
“What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.” — Mark F., Ohio
“What do you call a fly without wings? A walk.” — johnnysonchann via Instagram
“What do you call a sleepwalking nun?? A roamin’ Catholic.” — a.west24 via Instagram
“What do you call it when Batman skips church? A Christian bail.” — e_liftfit via Instagram
“What do you call the knight that likes to scare people? Sir Prise!” — Christopher N. via Facebook
“What do you can an alligator detective? An investi-gator.” — caetano_desa via Instagram
“What do you do when you break your toe? Call a toe truck!” — Chris, North End
“What does Fozzie Bear order at the bar? Johnnie Wocka Wocka Wocka.” — theemilyrussell via Instagram
“What are the pronouns of a candy bar? Her/She.” — David S., Waltham
“What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday — the rest are weakdays.” — Brett C., Braintree
“What did the fish say when he swam face-first into a concrete wall? Dam!” — Evan, Auburndale
“What did the mustard say to the hot dog? Geez, I relish the time when we get to ketchup.” — Brian M., Swampscott
“What do Mermaids wash their clothes in? Tide.” — PJ, Hingham
“What do you call a kangaroo that has a second bowl of chowder? A more-soup-ial.” (“Made this one up for my daughter to roll her eyes at when she was about 9 years old. To give credit where it’s due, I was trained by the master (my dad).”) — Matt S., Tacoma, Washington
“What do you call a man with no shins? Toe Knee.” — Benny F., Waltham
“What’s brown and sticky? A stick.” (“I still chuckle any time I tell it.”) — Paul, Milton
“What’s the best time to go to the dentist? Tooth hurty.” — Myles R., Quincy
“What’s the difference between a dad joke and a bad joke? Just the first letter.” — JDW, Newton
“What’s blue and smells like red paint? Blue paint.” — tos72 via Instagram
“What’s blue but not heavy? Light blue.” — Paul, Tewksbury
“What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is extremely heavy … The other is a little lighter.” — Kevin A. via Facebook
“What’s the difference between a well-dressed man on a bicycle and a poorly dressed man on a unicycle? Attire.” — Lizthenerd via Instagram
“What’s a vampire’s favorite fruit? Neck-tarines.” — cheflaurawhalen via Instagram
“What’s a word that becomes shorter when you add letters to it? Short.” — Jason Lu via Facebook
“What’s Irish and gets wet when it rains? Paddy O’Furniture.” — muttmom310 via Instagram
“What do they do when a chemist dies? They barium.” — joshinhd via Instagram
“Where do baby cats learn to swim? The kitty pool.” — bostonbychloe via Instagram
“Where do boats go when they get sick? To the dock!” — smsparr via Instagram
“Where do pirates get their hooks? At the second hand store!” — Chris, Marshfield
“Where do I keep all my dad jokes? In a joke dadabank.” — Mike G.., Wayland
“Which dog breed does magic? A ‘Labracadabrador.’” (“Saw this in a Bad Dad Joke of the Day book.”) — Brian G., Methuen
“Why did the golfer always bring two pairs of socks to the game? In case he got a hole in one.” — Diane C. via Facebook
“Why did the guy get fired from the orange juice factory? He couldn’t concentrate.” — therealmarcusshawkey via Instagram
“Why did they lock up the Energizer Bunny? He was charged with battery.” — instrumentally_ill via Instagram
“Why didn’t the skeleton want to go to the prom? Because he had no body to dance with.” — kellycarneyus via Instagram
“Why don’t seagulls fly by the bay? If they did, they would be bagels.” — Mike, Westborough
“Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because the ‘p’ is silent.” — Cory B., Plymouth
“Why can’t you tell a joke to an egg? It might crack up.” (“I am a teacher at Wellesley High School. I have run a program for students returning from hospitalizations for the past 17 years. I have told these types of jokes every year … They don’t get old … Ever. Too many good ones to count — I have books and books of them. Students sometimes buy me books as year-end presents. I’ve had alumni pop by and ask for a joke when they visit. This one sticks out.”) — Adam D., Wellesley High School
“Why did Norway put barcodes on their ships? So when the return they can scan-da-navy-in.” — Brendan, Millis
“Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field!” — Rob S., Hopkinton
“You didn’t get my joke about ceilings? Well I guess it must have been over your head.” — Steve R., Weymouth