Jimmy Kimmel doesn’t hold back in his Oscars monologue

He covered sexual misconduct in Hollywood, Vice President Mike Pence, and more.

Jimmy Kimmel kicked off the 90th Academy Awards Sunday night with a topical monologue that spared no one, getting in digs at Harvey Weinstein, Mel Gibson, Mark Wahlberg, Vice President Mike Pence, and the Academy itself for last year’s Best Picture fiasco.

“Some of you will be going home tonight with an Academy Award. What could better than that? Nothing, right?” Kimmel said, in one of the first jokes of his monologue. “I do want to mention: This year, when you hear your name called, don’t get up right away. Just give us a minute.”

Here are some more of the timely jokes Kimmel served up during the opening:


— “Oscar is the most beloved and respected man in Hollywood. And there’s a very good reason why. Just look at him. He keeps his hands where you can see them. Never says a rude word. And most importantly, no penis at all. He is literally a statue of limitations.”

— “Here’s how clueless Hollywood is about women: We made a movie called ‘What Women Want’ and it starred Mel Gibson.”

— “What happened with Harvey and what’s happening all over was long overdue. We can’t let bad behavior slide anymore. The world is watching us. We need to set an example. And the truth is, if we are successful here, if we can work together to stop sexual harassment in the workplace, if we can do that, women will only have to deal with harassment all the time in every other place they go.”

— “Mark Wahlberg was paid a million and a half dollars to reshoot his scenes [for ‘All the Money in the World’], while Michelle Williams, for her reshoots, got per diem. She was paid $80 a day for the same thing. And what made it is especially unfair is that Mark and Michelle are represented by the same agency. And I have to admit, this story really surprised me. This one shook me, because if we can’t trust agents, who can we trust?”


— “To his credit, Mark Wahlberg announced he would be donating all $1.5 million to the Times Up Legal Defense Fund. So I guess now the ball’s in your court, Michelle. What are you gonna do with that 80 bucks?”

— “We don’t make films like ‘Call Me by Your Name’ for money. We make them to upset Mike Pence.”

— “I’m very happy for you, Guillermo [del Toro]. You made a beautiful movie, and thanks to Guillermo, we will always remember this year as the year men screwed up so badly, women started dating fish.”

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October 15, 2019 | 9:01 AM