Here’s Our List of Boston Festivus Grievances

A generous donation to the Human Fund has been made in your name,
A generous donation to the Human Fund has been made in your name,

The magical day is here: it’s a Festivus for the rest of us! December 23 means the celebration of a very special holiday, made famous by “Seinfeld,’’ and, more specifically, Frank Costanza.

Here at we’ve prepared our dinner and failed to decorate our Festivus pole. As is tradition, we’ll now continue with an airing of grievances. We’ve got a lot of problems with you people.

1. Red Sox

Of course, we have to start off any list about Boston with a beloved sports team. But seriously, what gives, Sox? You can’t just go from worst to first to worst. It’s an emotional roller coaster and frankly, it’s making us feel like we might throw up. Get your act together. We don’t want to have to start wearing Orioles’ caps around here.


2. Time Capsule

Boston is loaded with history. We have buildings that pre-date America. So if you’re going to bury history in a mystical golden lion, it better be worth the effort of excavation. Needless to say a crummy book was NOT the hidden treasure we were hoping for.

3. The Green Line Continued To Be Horrible

Things I’m looking for in my commute: transportation to and from work. Things I’m getting out of my commute: constant stops that thrust my face into my neighbor’s exposed armpit, and cacophonous tracks that give voice to my own internal screaming.

4. Olympic Bid

Really? We want more tourists in the city? As is, we can’t traverse the sidewalks because of the herds of rubbernecking slow-walkers. It just would’ve been nice if they’d asked us to weigh in on the matter before just volunteering us on the world stage.

5. Market Basket

Sure, sure worker solidarity. Support Artie T. I get it, I dig it. Know what I didn’t dig? The crowds of Stop & Shop, the layout of Stop & Shop, the extra $0.30 it costs for off-brand soda at Stop & Shop! At that price, drinking one can/day for the six-week-long strike, I was hemorrhaging funds. Someone owes me $12.60!


6. The Most Boring Election, Ever.

This year’s candidates were just weak, in terms of scandals at least. No nudes! No embezzling! The best we could do was Governor Baker’s commercials, rife with awkward nepotism. Beyond that, it was just a bunch of bad suits. I hate a bad pants suit. It’s distracting.

7.New England Patriots

What is the DEAL? Why is this still a thing? We’re the Boston Celtics, Boston Red Sox, and Boston Bruins. Everyone in New England roots for all of those teams. We are not an inclusive city. Boston Patriots, 2015!

8. Ebola Panic

We get it, Ebola is terrifying. But newsflash, Boston: not every Ebola-ridden Liberian who vomits on the T is a threat. Especially when that Liberian is Haitian and her Ebola is a stomach flu.

9. Storrow Drive Trucks

At least six times in 2014? This. Needs. To. Stop.

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