My ex and I were together for nearly two years. He was my first relationship and first sexual encounter. He is over a decade older, and we met when I was 18. I didn’t know about his actual age, or the fact he had a girlfriend on the other side of the country (we were both new to the area at the time) until a few months into dating each other. I was vocal about wanting a non-monogamous relationship from the beginning, and continued to be until the end. However, he wanted more.

When a dirty message (albeit unprovoked) came up on my phone several months after we met, he angrily told me that he didn’t want to be with me if I wouldn’t be exclusive. I was scared of losing him, and know that he knew he was pressuring me into commitment. I defended my sleeping with other men on two separate occasions, as well as sending explicit photos to others because I gave him a multitude of chances to see things my way (or to leave, which he ultimately did and should have a long time ago, as much as I hate to admit it), and I never enthusiastically consented to monogamy. I knew he wouldn’t be OK with what I was doing, but at the time, I thought I was justified in my actions.

I realize now that I in no way was, and seriously betrayed him, even though I was never caught. I think it might be for the better for both of us now that it is over, although that is no excuse for what I did. I am seeing a therapist now to work through both the end of the relationship and how I contributed to the unhealthy environment. I still love and care about him so much. He was my best friend. All of this information makes everything even worse because I wonder how I could have done that to someone who means so much to me. Do you have any advice for me on how to work on forgiving myself and move forward?

– Guilty