Should I Email My Ex For Closure?

Wednesday | June 23, 2021

Love Letters Breakups 🖤

Should I Email My Ex For Closure?

What’s on your mind about your relationship … or the relationship you’re looking for? Email your question to [email protected] or fill out this form.

Hi Meredith,

What’s your take on closure conversations/emails to an ex? Basically, he broke my heart about a year ago, and I haven’t fully moved on. We genuinely tried to remain friends (and did for a while). I loved him and always hoped we’d get back together when his schedule settled down, since his reasons for the breakup were “timing” and “overcommitment” (work, graduate school, etc.).

This winter, a mutual friend told me he’s been dating someone, despite having more commitments than when we were together (new pet, new job, more advanced coursework, etc.) I’m genuinely not trying to interfere with their relationship – he’s proven that we aren’t the right fit. I just can’t help but feel there’s more to the breakup than what he told me, given that he’s apparently becoming “serious” with his new GF.

Normally I would let it go; the reason behind the breakup doesn’t change the outcome, so why press it? But I’ve never loved someone so unconditionally, and I feel blindsided about the new GF. (He called me for 1.5 hours the night before I found out, and never brought it up. And I haven’t heard from him since, which hurts). I hope hearing the truth would help me fully move on.

From my perspective, the biggest issue in our relationship was that he’d freeze around difficult conversations, so I often felt unheard or dismissed. A closure email would allow me to speak up about certain situations that got shut down. I’m not angry; I just want him to know why certain events were so painful, and for him to be honest with me if we’re going to consider rebuilding a friendship. But knowing his aversion to tough convos, he may not even read it, much less respond. Am I setting myself up for heartbreak all over again by emailing him? Thanks!

– Heartbreak

“The biggest issue in our relationship was that he’d freeze around difficult conversations.”

That explains why he decided not to tell you the most important reason for the breakup – that his feelings weren’t strong enough to make it work. By not telling you that, he implied that when things calmed down, you might get back together. That did you no favors.

People say that sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind, but how about just being honest to be kind? “I’m so busy – and this relationship isn’t feeling like forever. I want you to have the space you need to focus on yourself because that’s what I’m going to do. I’m sorry.” It would have hurt a lot to hear, but at least you’d have known it was time to let go.

If you want to write him an email, go ahead. Write it, read it to yourself, then sit on it for a few days. If you still want to send it, wait a few more days and then decide. But the letter is for you, not him. Don’t expect a reply or ask for one.

Also know that friendship shouldn’t be on the table right now. You loved this person – unconditionally! You just heard he’s seeing someone new, despite him being busier than ever. Why would you give him even more time? Wouldn’t a friendship with this man be very painful?

Later, if it makes sense to try some kind of relationship, you can start from scratch and talk about whatever you need in that moment (more honesty, etc.). For now, though, take some time, grieve the end of this (writing your letter is part of that process), and block him however you can.

The best closure comes from being great to yourself.

– Meredith

Readers? Write/send that letter?

Breakups 🖤 There's no such thing as closure