I have been in a relationship for almost five years with a man I met when I was 24. He’s now 45. For the first two years, things were great. He started to meet people in my life, and I did the same. He hardly made an effort when it came to people I know, though. I met his family and tried my best to show them I love him and am making an effort. He lives with his dad and pays rent there. I hate it. That at 45 he’s still talking about the fact that “he will be there for a while.”

He tells me when his friends have something negative to say about me. He never apologizes unless I consistently nag him. He’s never wrong. He acts like everything is fine. I barely kiss him; the sex is a nightmare, pretty much. I told him if we aren’t on the same page mentally and emotionally, I won’t be interested sexually at all. He continues to act like everything is fine.

When he comes over I just want to draw instead of interacting with him. I keep mentioning how important growth is but… his idea of growth is moving into my apartment, one I’ve worked so hard for. Maybe that’s selfish, but it just seems like he is riding my coattails instead of working to build something new for us. When my lease was up we had a chance multiple times, and he still is living at his dad’s. I can’t take him seriously.

I start feeling crazy, like my standards are too high. But I know they aren’t. I feel so stupid, like I’m a person in love trying to coax a grown child to want to grow up and be responsible for his actions. How do I get out of this pattern?

– Unhappy