My Boyfriend’s Friend Is Around All The Time – And Terrible

What do you need to fix in your dating life? Or married life? Or single life? Tell me all of the things. It feels good to write it out. Email your own questions to [email protected] or fill out this easy form, please.  Let’s chat at 1 p.m. Just a warning that this letter mentions sexual assault. As always, empathy.


I have been in a relationship for five years. We both have our own homes. The problem is his best friend. The best friend is an alcoholic, and when drinking (which is daily) is rude and obnoxious. He has also sexually assaulted me. I have nothing but hate for his best friend! He shows up to everything or everywhere we go. My boyfriend sees nothing wrong with this, as it is his best friend. The only fights we have is over his friend.

I’ve finally got it through to my boyfriend that we are no longer doing things with his best friend, but his friend calls three times a day (video chatting, which I think is very odd) just to see what we are doing. I’m quite sick of it. It is none of this friend’s business.

My boyfriend says I am running off his friend. This friend has a girlfriend and family, but always leaves them to screw around and to be with my boyfriend. I’ve told him that if his friend is his No. 1 then this relationship isn’t going to work. My boyfriend doesn’t understand my hatred for his best friend and says that when it coms to the assault, I should forgive him because it only happened once. And I can say that will never happen!

My boyfriend also works with the friend, and wants to go to bars with him every night after work. I have suggested going one night a week. But they don’t think that is enough. My boyfriend wants us to live together, but I have said that isn’t going to happen because I can’t trust that his friend isn’t just going to show up. Is there any chance of this working? I’m sick and tired of the fighting.

– Tired


“Is there any chance of this working?”

I don’t think it should.

I’m so sorry you’ve had to deal with this.

To be specific, I’m sorry you’ve had to continue to see your boyfriend’s friend and deal with him at all. I’m also sorry to hear that your boyfriend seems to have little interest in your very real and understandable fear – that if this terrible friend stays in his life, you’ll be unsafe. That makes your boyfriend unsafe, too.

You’re not with a partner who priorities your well-being. He has no interest in your boundaries.

I know it’s been five years, and that probably feels like a lot of time lost if you let go. But try not to frame it that way. I never see other people’s previous relationships as a waste of their years. For you, it was a time of growth, lessons, and deciding what you won’t do, which is live with someone who would put you in this position. The years led you to this letter, which basically says, “I don’t wan’t to put up with this anymore. Stay out of my house.”

Run off both of these people and find partners and friends who care how you feel, even a little bit. Call anyone who’s on your side.

Let your soon-to-be-ex and his friend be together, far from you.

– Meredith

Readers? Any chance that this should work? Help for the letter writer?

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