What’s your love and relationship problem?
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My ex contacted me a year after our breakup. She (28) broke up with me last year after a 10-year relationship. She started developing feelings for her male best best friend. I (a 27-year-old man) worked on myself during that period and am healed, have healthy friendships, have explored my hobbies, and love making myself and people around me happy. I feel healthy.
She reached out this week to say sorry over email. She eventually said her best friend no longer talks to her. She admitted that she spread negative information about me post breakup. Because I have healed so much and wanted to cheer her up, I replied by emailing her the good things I experienced in our relationship.
The next day she called up crying. She asked to be friends. Later backtracks. The following day I proposed a genuine friendship. She declined but said she will help me with my career or any other way she can. I followed up by asking her a neutral government-related question – about something she has gone through that I have to do it now. She hasn’t helped yet.
Three days later, she called me crying, saying she wants me back. I got off the phone in about five seconds. But 30 minutes later, I call back to get to a better place with her – to make her feel better – but my number was blocked.
This woman, in the final months of our breakup, told me that she doesn’t respect me. She compared me to her best friend. She abandoned me cruelly. I was frustrated with our sex life too. What is the best thing I can do in this situation for me? I am emotionally stable and want to be in a position to give and help others. She is pinging me, being insincere, and it eats up more of my time.
You talk about wanting to make people happy – that this is a big part of how you maintain your own contentment. That’s wonderful and generous, but you don’t have to boost others at your own expense. She asked you to get back together and it made you uncomfortable. Instead of tending to your own feelings, you called her to make her feel better. I’m not sure that helps either of you.
If her messages are getting in the way of your comfort, block them. You can email her and let her know you’ve set this boundary. If she’s not interested in a friendship, there are no calls to make, no messages to send. She can find you by email if it’s important.
If email gets too messy, you can block her there too, or slide her corresponce straight into a folder.
Part of staying healthy is knowing what doesn’t work in your life. This woman is a huge part of your past, but she has nothing to do with the things you love about your world right now. You don’t have to figure out a way to keep her around. You can block, ignore, and move on.
Readers? Is there a reason the LW should try to be responsive? What’s the best way for him to help himself and his ex?
Have advice for today’s letter writer? Be helpful. Be clever. Get your comment featured here.Meredith
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