What’s your love and relationship problem?
Ask Meredith at Love Letters. Yes, it’s anonymous.
Some relationship history: I met a guy last year on social media; it was long-distance and we hadn’t met in person at the beginning. He stays and works in my country, but comes from another country. We talked about my relocating and staying with him/getting a job there because I’m unemployed here. We met in person after having these talks, and decided we wanted to be together. Soon after meeting, though, the relationship changed. He was always on WhatsApp, but not chatting with me. We fought a number of times due to him not taking my calls sometimes. We met again and I felt disrespected because he would be online while I was there. Eventually, the relationship ended.
Shortly after, I found someone else on dating app, also a foreign national in my country. He’s not financially stable, he’s struggling to even pay the rent due to his business not going well because of COVID-19. I’m also still unemployed. We stay four hours away from each other. He was with someone when we met and I gave him an ultimatum that if he didn’t leave her, he’ll lose me. The woman was helping him out with his finances, and he was something staying at her place.
Eventually he left this woman, and she now wants all her money that she spent on him refunded. The plan is for us to get a place to rent together and start a business together. Do you think it’s a bad idea for me to get into that kind of commitment? I don’t have the money to put into the business yet, he doesn’t either, but I feel like he expects me to bring in the funds even though he hasn’t said that.
“Do you think it’s a bad idea for me to get into that kind of commitment?”
You do not know enough about this man to make this kind of investment. Also, you’re trying to begin a romantic relationship with him, right? Why should that involve so much financial risk? The emotional stuff is enough.
He was using this other woman for her resources. Please don’t step into her place. You’re talking about “bringing in funds,” but you should not be paying for this connection.
Some perspective: you managed to meet two people during a very complicated year. Both men are not quite right for you in different ways. The first had potential, but he was too far away and you didn’t like the way he shared his company (or didn’t). This second person has so much figure out; he’s looking for a significant other/benefactor, and you’re in no position to help. The point is, there are many possible partners in the world. Clearly you’re capable of finding them.
What kind of partner do you need right now? Who would round out your life and how? Make a list of attributes, and I’m sure you’ll see why this latest man is not your person.
Also, think about what you need for yourself as a single person. Can you spend some of your energy on pursuing a path to income by way of a job you might enjoy? Something that gives you a solid foundation for life regardless of your partnership status? I just think it’s harder to make decisions when you’re floating in your own life.
Honestly, that’s the most important list to make right now. When you’re on your own, what do you want to do, see, experience, and get better at? When people can answer those questions about themselves, they wind up with better partners for the ride.
Readers, I’m sure we all agree that this business is risky. How can this letter writer find better opportunities for dating? What’s your advice based on the history here?
Mixing business with ‘romance’ (or whatever you call a relationship started with an ultimatum) would be a disaster. The fact that you don’t see that suggests you don’t have the head to be an entrepreneur.dangleparticiple
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