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Today’s letter makes me think of this video.
I’m not OK with the way my boyfriend behaves on social media. We are in a serious relationship, only three months in, still getting to know each other and how we work together as a couple. He speaks to women he calls “friends” on Facebook, Snapchat, and other messaging apps in ways I feel are flirty and in excess.
When we first started dating, his ex had called him and I saw messages between them with kissy faces. I saw other kissy faces were sent to “friends.” He explains that it means nothing, and that he speaks to everyone in a “loving” way like that. Last night, I found some flirty comments between him and another “friend” on her page. He also likes every selfie she posts (and she posts a new one every day!). I feel as though he is sending the wrong message to these women if he is truly being faithful to me.
I’ve told him that I feel like this is disrespectful to me and to our relationship, and that these girls are not friends – they are just girls he talks to online/on his phone. Friends are people you share your life with – you see them, you go out and do things together, you introduce them to your significant other. None of these things have happened so I don’t consider these girls to be true “friends” of his.
I’ve noticed that a lot of his flirty actions happen on social media when I am not around/busy. I think he is not getting attention from me and craving it elsewhere. This is his own issue that he needs to come to terms with, I know. But am I overreacting? Is this something that other women struggle with in their relationships? I don’t know what to do at this point, as I truly have a lot of strong feelings for my boyfriend and he has almost all the qualities I have ever wanted in a significant other, minus this issue. These actions really make it hard to trust him.
– Attention Seeking Boyfriend in Boston
It doesn’t sound like he wants to run out and sleep with any of these women. The kissy face might be his his go-to emoji for everybody (like mine is the toilet). A “like” on a selfie doesn’t suggest real interest.
It does sound like you’re right about the attention. If your boyfriend doesn’t have an audience, he finds one, even if it means sitting on a social media site and looking for things to “like.” Meanwhile, you want a partner who can be alone without feeing starved for interaction – someone who’s more focused on deeper connections in real life.
You say he needs to come to terms with the issue, but that only works if he understands the issue to begin with. You have to explain that it’s not all about trust. Really, it’s about wanting to be with someone who doesn’t need validation the second you walk out the door. If he can’t understand that point, you’ll have to accept the incompatibility and walk away.
Readers? Can they fix this?
Just because you feel disrespected doesn’t mean he meant to be disrespectful. Did he intentionally use kissy emojis to hurt you? He’s being who he is. If you don’t like it, you walk. Or you could try to change him, and we all know how well those kinds of relationships turn out.LucilleVanPelt
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