It’s been a while since I saw the S-word in a letter. For a record, I say “bachelor” when I’m taking about my unmarried state. People understand what I mean.

You can tell your well-meaning friends/family that hearing “there’s a lid for every pot” is infuriating when you’re the pot. If they know some lids, great. If not, they should keep silent. Be clear that when they talk about this, it seems like they’re shocked you haven’t managed to buy a winning lottery ticket. Like you’re not trying hard enough to get that ticket! Hopefully the empathetic people will understand. If not, you can always say, “Let me know when you have someone I might like!” Giving people responsibilities tends to shut them up.

You ask when to give up on romantic love. I don’t think that’s the right question. At my age, I’ve had to accept the lack of permanence of any of this. Some people in my orbit who were very in love 10 years ago are divorcing. A few people who said they’d never use an app are now on five. Some people didn’t want kids but had one. Everything got weirdly messy and unpredictable in my early 40s, and there was some relief in that. It meant that all of life’s questions hadn’t been answered. My own life started to change a ton (in good ways, but also uncomfortable). It wasn’t that a bunch of single people found partners out of nowhere – although some did – but it felt like there was an aggressive musical chairs situation, where a bunch of people tossed their chair across the room and took another.

To be clear, some people in my life got married in their 20s and 30s, stayed married, and are very happy. But they’ve also dealt with unanticipated changes with moves, family caregiving, wild job situations, etc. Very few people stayed on a path they thought they understood and could control.

I know you want to control your narrative so you can prepare for whatever sadness, loneliness, and other feelings pop up over the years to come. I won’t tell you you’re going to meet someone, but I will say … you don’t know what will happen. You have no idea who will be caring for you when you’re old. If I was asked to bet on your relationship status at 45, I would decline. It would not be a safe gambling situation.

You know enough to call marriage (or anything like it) a “mythic promise.” Another mythic promise? Control and consistency. Please stay in reality, do what you love, take breaks from dating when you need them, and admit that the whole thing is a moving target. You might stay single and move to Paris like a TV character. You could meet someone and only date that person for two years before you break up.

You don’t know what will happen. I don’t either. There is no inevitable future. Scary, but true.

Please keep me posted.

– Meredith

Readers? Is the path set at 38? How do you adjust your expectations as you date into your late 30s and early 40s? How do you tell loved ones that their optimism about your dating life can feel awful?