What’s your love and relationship problem?
Ask Meredith at Love Letters. Yes, it’s anonymous.
I’m seeking letters about long-term relationship issues, complicated crushes, and getting over breakups.
What’s on your mind about your relationship life?
Submit an anonymous letter here or email
I’m 23 years old and just graduated with a diploma. I have been dating a man for five months now, and he shows he loves me and is committed to me.
But I just keep getting worried because he sends pictures of himself to girls and asks for theirs in return … specifically one particular girl. I confronted him about it and he said it’s nothing, but they talk more than we talk. And he even talks to his ex on the phone more than he talks to me.
I really don’t know what to believe or think because we argue all the time like there is no tomorrow, and he made me drop all of my close male friends because he didn’t like my relationships with them. But when I tell him my concerns about his friendships with these girls, nothing changes. I’m so tired of his late-night calls (with others). I’ve tried to be cool about everything but I can’t anymore. What should I do?
The next step is obvious, right? Break up with him.
I’m sure there are nice moments in the relationship, but I can’t imagine any of them make up for the long list of problems. After five months of dating, your life is more limited, and you’re frustrated, hurt, and confused.
The better question is this: Why have you changed your life to accommodate someone who isn’t making you happy? Maybe you’re working through past experiences, learning first lessons, etc. … but … maybe it’s that diploma and where you are in life. You’re about to take big steps, right? I assume a great academic accomplishment opens doors, and all of them lead to change.
Perhaps this relationship has been a distraction from other choices and scary new moments. Maybe it’s been easier to focus on someone else.
To be very clear, I’m guessing here. All I know is what’s in your letter. But I do believe this is a wonderful time to prioritize yourself, with no confusing people in the way. If you give yourself space from this man, you can think about everything you want instead of what he’s not giving you.
Sometimes there are a bunch of barriers in the way of an open road that can lead anywhere. Traveling that road feels daunting! But it can be rewarding. Let yourself begin an unencumbered journey.
(Apologies for road metaphors and the word “journey” … I try to avoid it, but sometimes it feels just right.)
Readers? Break up, yes? But why hasn’t that already happened? Any advice about learning when to walk away?
“Obviously this relationship isn’t healthy for you. He’s manipulating you, gaslighting you and lying to you…because you’re allowing him to. You’re giving him permission to treat you badly, and this will continue until you leave him. I honestly think you know that. Get support from family/friends/a therapist if you need to, but trust that you know what to do and end it. You’ll take such valuable experience with you. When you look back, you’ll wonder why you waited so long, but that’s perfectly okay-the point is doing it. Your future self will thank you.”EACB
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