A.

You want to rule out all divorced and widowed people? Because you think they might not over their wives?

Please don’t reject them before knowing them. These are humans who might be in an excellent place to find joy with a new partner. They’ve learned lessons about collaboration, compromise, and partnership, and might be ready to bring their wisdom and care to someone who knows plenty about independence.

Trust me, a lot of people are over their exes by the time they get divorced. The paperwork process that can take longer than the “falling out of love” part.

I do think you’re bringing some layers of protection to your experience – that perhaps you’re dismissing these men before they exist because you fear they won’t value you. Can you drop that armor for a second?

The wrong people might see you as unfinished because you’ve never been married, but the right men will be interested in your choices and want to now more.

If you can see men as more than “divorced” or “widowed,” they might be able to return the favor.

As for the dating methods, what I know about the Burned Haystack dating method is that it can help make apps easier because it offers tools to reduce the size of the stack. The point is to rule out people you’ll never want to date. You block the ones you don’t like so you don’t see them again, etc. My advice, if you’re going to use this method, is to let yourself see the green flags, as opposed to just the red ones. The problem with burning an entire stack to find the needle is that sometimes there are a few needles in the stack. It can be difficult to recognize that a needle is a needle.

Years ago, when I was online for the first time, I thought, “I can’t swipe right on a man who has photo of himself holding a fish.” It seemed like every man was holding a fish – or at the top of a mountain. 

But then I was told – by a wonderful man – that sometimes the only great photos straight men have of themselves are from the times they ascended a mountain or caught a fish.

Why was I judging the fish? Why was I looking to swipe left?

My point is, when we’re feeling defensive, it’s easy to say no. Make sure you’re not ruling out too much before getting a full picture.

But the shortest answer I’ll give to your question about whether it’s worth dating at 69 is … yes.

It can be nice.

– Meredith