What’s your love and relationship problem?
Ask Meredith at Love Letters. Yes, it’s anonymous.
I recently joined an online dating site and am still learning how to navigate it, politely turn down ridiculous entreaties and trying to be a “good citizen.” It’s not something I ever thought I’d be doing, but one must adapt with the times. My dilemma is this: On the day I signed up three weeks ago, I was “favorited” by someone. For some reason I never received a notification. I’ve since had a couple of dates with very nice women but, at 56, I feel that I know when there’s something happening or not.
A few days ago I received notification that someone is interested. I found out when I looked at her profile that it was the same person who’d “favorited” me on my first day. I’ve slogged through literally more that a thousand profiles and hers really spoke to me. Our interests are very similar, and she’s quirky, funny, and on the face of it seems like someone who would be fun to meet. And … I think she’s absolutely adorable.
Within 24 hours I sent a short email thanking her for noticing me, referencing a few of our similar interests, and expressing a hope that we could begin a conversation. But as soon as I sent the message, I returned to her profile only to see that it was now hidden. She shut it down at exactly the same time I was responding! It’s now four days later and I can see that my email remains unread. In the meantime, I’m getting emails from very nice women suggesting we meet. Obviously I don’t know anything about this woman except for what I saw on her profile, but I don’t want to lead anyone else on while I’m thinking about her. I’m not a player and not looking for a quick hookup. I’m curious what you think about sending a followup email mentioning the bad timing and wishing her luck if she found someone. At the same time I’d like to let her know that I found her profile to be refreshing and would love to hear from her if she decides to try this again. My guess is that she just got tired of the internet dating thing since she’d expressed interest a day earlier.
I don’t want to come off as a creeper, it’s just that I’m annoyed with myself that she’d reached out weeks ago, and I want to make light of it in a humorous way. Should I give it a shot or just let it go?
– Feels Like I’m Living “Sliding Doors”
Don’t send a second note. There’s already an email from you waiting in her inbox. If she decides to go public again, she’ll take a look.
In the meantime, you have to keep dating because that’s the whole point of being on the site. Like you said, you don’t know anything about this woman except for the information she provided on her two-dimensional profile. You can’t let fantasies ruin your real-life options.
This reminds me of a friend who shut down her online dating profile years ago, only to be notified by the site that someone had favorited her account. Haunted by the thought that the “like” had come from a specific guy she’d noticed during her time online, she reactivated her profile and found out that yes, it was him. They wound up dating, and it all felt very meant to be — until they broke up.
The point of that story is that there is no meant to be. There are only experiences — so please, continue to have them. Don’t wait for someone who’s chosen to disappear.
Readers? Another note? How attached should he be to the idea of this woman?
The fact that he’s obsessing about this and wondering whether to send a second email, guessing her motives even though she’s a stranger and thinking he’ll ‘lead on’ other women because he’s obsessed with someone he doesn’t know makes me thing all is not right in this guy’s world and he may want to fix that first before trying to find his dream woman through a computer.? bklynmom
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