What’s your love and relationship problem?
Ask Meredith at Love Letters. Yes, it’s anonymous.
Yesterday’s letter writer was in chat yesterday, just in case you missed it.
After getting divorced, I began online dating, and after about a half-dozen “misses” I met someone (“Jane”) who’s a contemporary (in her 50s). Nearly a year later, we greatly enjoy each other’s company, but the relationship lacks one critical thing – physical intimacy. Neither of us has had sex for many years, dating well back into our failed marriages.
I find Jane immensely attractive in virtually every aspect of her personality, and very much so physically. She considers me attractive, but says there is no chemistry to promote a sexual relationship; she prides herself on her honesty and I consider this apparent contradiction to be sincere. Jane has told me that I am a “great catch,” likes me a lot, and fears that she will someday regret letting me go, all of which perplexes and saddens me that things are not different.
We continue to see each other “as friends.” Recently we attended a party and I met one of Jane’s close friends who knows the story; she told me how many great things she has heard about me from Jane, and to “hang in there.”
I have told Jane that I love her as a person, to which she responded that she feels the same way. She says she cannot pinpoint anything negative about me to explain the lack of chemistry, that I am “doing everything right,” and that the problem is “all her” (to which she expresses frustration and apologizes to me).
Am I dreaming to think that the chemistry will someday change? My head says to move on, but objectively I don’t expect to find someone so intellectually and personally compatible as Jane for quite some time, if ever. Thanks for reading this, and for any suggestions.
– Chemistry fan no more
“and after about a half-dozen ‘misses’… “
That’s six misses. Only six! Online dating can be exhausting, for sure, but you’re supposed to keep at it until you meet someone who shares your goals. That means you might have to go out with 20 people before you meet an appropriate partner. Maybe more. Jane is great in a lot of ways, but if you’re looking for a romantic relationship, she’s just another miss.
Jane has made it very clear that the chemistry isn’t going to change, so please believe her. Get back online and look for someone who wants all of you – including the naked you – because despite what Jane’s friend says, you shouldn’t have to “hang in there.”
Readers? Hang in there? Will the chemistry change?
I’m in your age group so I will tell you it’s not the age. There are many women (I’d say most) over 50 who will welcome a relationship that includes sex. I don’t think that Jane’s feelings will changeu002du002dif someone feels that they aren’t attracted to you enough to have sex when you have known each other a year and are otherwise compatible in personality, etc., then she’s not going to suddenly wake up tomorrow and decide that she wants to have sex with you. Unfortunately I think that if you feel that sex is something that you want to have again (and it seems like you do) then you have to find someone elseu002du002dthe longer you hang out with Jane, the harder it will be to let go of her.lizjames
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