I notice that many writers complain that their marriage is no longer satisfying, the sex is not great anymore, they don’t really know if they are still in love with each other (whatever that means), or they are obsessed with (or maybe thinking about cheating with) someone else. It makes me wonder what marriage vows they took.

My wife and I got married 38 years ago. We vowed “to have and to hold one another, from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part.” We had lots of good times “for better” and were “in health” for many years, but then things changed. My wife has been severely disabled for the past 10 years. That is the “for worse” and “in sickness” part of being married. Death has not yet parted us. We remain totally devoted to and in love with each other in spite of all of that. Those vows we took 38 years ago are even stronger now than they were back then, when we really did not fully understand what they meant.

My point is that younger married couples today really need to think about the vows they took. Married life is not easy, as the vows emphasize, but the goal is to stay together and work it out. I understand that some marriages may need to be dissolved because one partner is abusive, unfaithful, or in prison. But so many writers give only selfish reasons for wanting to walk away from their vows, like “he doesn’t give me the sex I want,” or “she has gained too much weight,” or “I need to find myself and do what is best for me.” Marriage is not just about pooling assets, cohabiting, buying a house, having sex, and raising children. It is fundamentally a lifelong commitment between two people “to have and to hold one another, for better or for worse, in sickness or in health.” I can attest that living through the bad parts can make each partner stronger and can make the marriage stronger. Which is what married love is all about. Why are so many letter writers ready to leave marriages?

– Wondering