He Reached Out On LinkedIn

Tuesday | August 18, 2015

Love Letters Marriage

He Reached Out On LinkedIn

I received an invitation to LinkedIn from an old boyfriend. I had not heard from him for 25 years. Our relationship ended badly when I discovered he had gone out one evening with his ex-fiance and then lied to me about it. Truth is, the year we dated was also a tumultuous time for me. I had also just broken an engagement before we got together. In my heart of hearts I did not love him then, and we had a painful breakup. After the heartbreak, I moved on and did not look back. We are both married now.

After he reached out to me on LinkedIn I realized it might be a good idea for us to get together to put the bad blood to rest. Via social media, I could tell he had aged quite a bit but that he had done well for himself in marriage and business. He is 60 now and it occurred to me that it might be now or never for reconciliation, so I asked to get together for coffee.

It went well except that now I cannot get him out of my head. Surprisingly, we have so much in common. I am also stronger now so I can stand up to him. This is not what I expected. I have been decent and I have not reached out to him again, but I would like to get him out of my head for good. Beyond the classic “try to focus on the relationship with your husband” advice, which I have tried, do you have suggestions?

— Linked In

Well, there’s therapy. When you can’t get a thing or a person out of your head, it’s usually a good idea to figure out why. I’d recommend getting some counseling to figure out why scratching this itch only made you itchier.

I also want you to think about why you didn’t tell us anything about your marriage. I have no idea whether you’re happily married whether or you asked this ex to coffee because you were seeking out a major distraction. Be honest with yourself about what kind of help your marriage needed before you received the LinkedIn request.

I’ll skip the “focus on loving your husband” advice,” but I must tell you to pay attention to your own motives and needs. You mentioned that when you saw your ex, you were stronger and that you could “stand up to him.” Something about that feeling appealed to you. That’s what I want you to talk about with a professional.

Readers? What happened here? What does this say about her marriage?

— Meredith

Internet Marriage