A.You weren’t happy in the marriage before the affair. You’re still unhappy, now that the affair is over. You need more than forgiveness to get your relationship to a good place.
It might be time to let go. You can’t imagine not having him in your life, but can you consider a path where the two of you care for each other as ex-spouses? You share children and many memories. Maybe you can become something new – with space that allows both of you to live the lives you like.
You want fun and excitement. I’m not sure your husband seeks the same version of happiness.
Ask him to go back to counseling, even for a one-time visit with your former therapist, to talk about what a new beginning – as former partners – might look like. What would you miss? How could you both benefit? You’ve tried to withhold sex as some kind of lesson, but all you’ve learned is that he can take the status quo. It’s the kind of life he liked before the affair.
This kind of almost marriage isn’t good for either of you long-term. You’re miserable – and that only adds to the resentment.
Apologize to your adult children for the deceit, and tell them you love them. Let them know that the state of your marriage doesn’t change how you feel about them. They’re grownups, but it sounds like they still need to hear that kind of thing.
Then go back to therapy for a real plan. Talk about your dream life – how you’d like to spend your days as you get older. Include travel, sex, romance, and all kinds of experiences. Ask your husband if your aspirations match his at all. Even if he can forgive what happened in the past, it might be best to move on.
– Meredith
Readers? What happens to this marriage if there’s no work being done? Should the LW accept what she has? Any advice for dealing with guilt and shame after an affair?
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