Our Sex Life Is Gone
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Q.My husband and I have been married a little over a year now and dated two years before that. We each had our own place but once we got married we found a place together. Now it’s us and the kids; we both have two teens each.
It hasn’t been easy merging our families and we’re both new to being step-parents. But for the most part everything is good. He treats me very well and is good to my kids.
The problem comes with our sex life. We used to have it often and spontaneously and it was exciting. That was when we were living in different paces and his kids weren’t living with him, so he had an empty bachelor pad. Sex was like an event.
The problem is now it’s bad and like watching paint dry. He did divulge that he used to take sex enhancement pills before we got married and then stopped. I asked him to start back but he hasn’t. I feel tricked at this point. Like he put on an act just until we got married. Of course sex isn’t the only reason we married. But I’m not satisfied. We talked about different options to try to fix it, but it’s been six months since – with no action. Literally. I want to stay faithful to him because I really do have a good husband. This is our only issue now and it’s causing me to be resentful and short with him. I just want us to figure this out and get back to being happy. I just don’t know if I can go a lifetime being unhappy in that area. We need help!! We are still newlyweds and it already seems like we won’t make it. Please can you give suggestions.
– Faithful
A.I wonder if he’s only capable of enjoying sex when the two of you are alone in the house for an extended period of time.
If sex was used to be an event, I’m sure it helped that he didn’t have to worry about who might be downstairs doing homework. The two of you might want to start by clearing out the house and telling your four teens there’s a night they should have sleepovers elsewhere. The kids do leave the house sometimes, right? The trick is getting all of them out. If you can get some time alone, you and your husband can see how it feels to enjoy each other again without interruption.
I think it could be fun to plan this big night and other creative ways to be intimate, despite the change in living situation. Is it worth trying this at another time of day? Do you need a noise machine that keeps the bedroom more private? Also, what does he miss? Sometimes talking about the fun of it – as opposed to what’s missing – makes it something to look forward to.
As you plan, also talk about seeing a counselor together. This living situation is a huge transition; you basically took the arrangement you loved and turned it into an entirely different kind of setup. How can you make it through this change? It would be helpful to have ongoing conversations and guidance from a professional. Don’t feel bad about seeing a therapist this early in a marriage. It’s a great time to address a problem before it becomes a permanent issue in the relationship.
– Meredith
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