What’s your love and relationship problem?
Ask Meredith at Love Letters. Yes, it’s anonymous.
I met an amazing, loving, smart, and sensitive guy; someone I never thought I’d find.
We met in my country, and we had such a great year discovering each other as I showed him around. After a year together, he decided he wanted to move back home. I couldn’t imagine my life without him so I decided to move with him after eight months of dating. I quit my job and got a great remote job, which would give me the flexibility to travel home as often as I needed.
Here’s the problem: I keep feeling that I missing out on time with my family. My parents are my best friends and I love hanging out with them. I feel like I always have to make a decision between spending time with my boyfriend or my family. Whichever I choose, I miss out! While I know that I have to live my own life and be with the person who makes me so happy, I also feel like I am always missing moments.
So my question is: how I stop feeling anxious about being away from home, and what should I tell my boyfriend? (We’ve spoken about this countless times, but never come up with a solution, as we don’t want to breakup).
You’ve had “countless” conversations with your boyfriend. I have to wonder how much you’ve talked about the future when you have these discussions.
Does he want to live where he is forever? Is he open to living in your country in a few years, down the road? Or spending a season there, if possible? I guess I’m wondering about compromise. Where is he willing to go over time?
If he knows he wants to stay put, you do need to think about the future you imagine for yourself. No matter who you’re with, you’re going to miss out on some moments at home – because you will have your own life. But there’s nothing wrong with wanting to stay close to family. Some people do better finding a partner right around their hometown. Or they meet someone who is happy to move there. Right now, you’re building a relationship and a community. You have to decide whether the nucleus of that world will always be back at home.
For now, though, feel it out, pay attention to what you miss (and how your feelings change), and end the spiral of discussion that goes nowhere. It’s not helping, and you’re both frustrated by a seemingly answerless question. Instead, if things continue to go well with this boyfriend, ask what compromise looks like to him. Decide whether his take on it works for you.
And if you can, spend a few weeks at home. It might remind you that some days are just … routine.
Readers? Does this mean the LW should find a relationship closer to home? Or is this about learning to build a more independent life?
I love my parents but I can’t imagine them being my best friends. Seems like figuring out how to build your own life without them, and building in meaningful time with them (a week here or there; can they visit you?) is the best compromise. Talk to your boyfriend about how – and how much – to work them into your lives.Holly Ivy
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