What’s your love and relationship problem?
Ask Meredith at Love Letters. Yes, it’s anonymous.
What relationship stuff is stressing you out? Send it to [email protected] or fill out this form. More updates, please: Former letter writers … where are you now? Did our advice help? Send us an update to [email protected] with “update” in the subject line. Make sure to say which letter you wrote. Let us know what happened.
I have been single for a while now.
I had a really traumatic past relationship and breakup, and it took me a long time to heal from it. After going through therapy and just taking time for myself, I felt ready to get back out there. But dating has me feeling kinda down. And I don’t really know what to do. I’ll get dressed up and go out, but men never approach me or flirt with me. And when I approach them they tend to make it clear I’m not the woman they want to talk to. It makes me feel invisible.
I feel like I have more encounters with online dating, but they never lead anywhere. I’ve really been trying to put myself out but it just always feels tedious and complicated. I feel like I can’t really discern who’s a good fit for me anymore. I have met a few guys who seemed like good people in the beginning and then their character changes. Then when it’s time to setup a date or meetup, I’ve been ghosted or I get stood up. And I’m really tired of it. To the point where I feel like if I do meet a who wants to be with me, I’m not going to want to give him the time because of my previous experiences. I just feel so exhausted trying to find someone. What should I do so I don’t have such bitter contempt for men and dating?
Meeting offline is difficult these days. People have been trained to use apps, which means that approaching a stranger in a public place can feel bold and scary. Some might be concerned about interrupting a person’s evening. It’s no longer the standard way to find love.
That leaves the apps, and yes, it’s frustrating, and a lot of people ghost. I wish I had a magic way of dealing with that disappointment. It might help to ask for a FaceTime as a mini-date before you make in-person plans. If someone can’t do that pretty quickly, you’ll know that even a small effort was too big.
I recommend clubs, teams, and activities when people have dating fatigue. Running clubs, volunteer work, movie and book clubs. It’s not that I think people are going to find love there, although that does happen. It’s more that a club – some activity with ongoing responsibilities and events – can broaden your circle and give you multiple opportunities for someone to get to know you.
Clubs offer a natural way to be seen over time. It seems like that’s what you need. Instead of putting all your effort into looking for a partner, spend some time growing your community. If you love an activity, pursue it around others. You’ll find people with similar priorities. After that, good things might happen.
Readers? Are you meeting people offline? If so, how?
How about focus on You. Develop your interests, maybe get a second job, get out there and chase your passion and go for personal goals. You may find, whilst in the midst of forging meaning in your life, a partner comes along. Give it a try.todaysfresh
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