What’s your love and relationship problem?
Ask Meredith at Love Letters. Yes, it’s anonymous.
It’ll be 24 years since the love of my life, my husband, died in my arms. We had 14 wonderful years together. I waited two years before I tried dating.
What I can’t understand is why do men – and dating services – want tall blondes with blue eyes. I am short with black hair, dark eyes, and slim. But the dating services and gentlemen call me ugly, or after the date, guys say they’ll call me (the eternal lie). After 10 years of this nonsense, I gave up on love and embraced a hatred of men because they are all shallow. I’m not a lesbian, but I threw in the towel. I guess gentlemen and dating services prefer blondes. After an experience like that, and getting hurt so often, am I crazy to hate men and romance?
– Giving Up
You’re tired of searching, and you’re hurt by all the rejection. Call this what it is: dating fatigue and disappointment.
I don’t think this is about hating all men. You haven’t met a lot of them. You do seem to despise dating services. My answer: stop using them.
I think for now you’d be better off meeting people – new friends – through community. Have you ever been in a support group for those who’ve lost spouses? They can be great places to commune, relate, and build a support network. Some of the members of these groups are men, of course. The experience should remind you that people are humans, all of whom have different concerns and desires. Some of them grieve and are looking for good company. Friendship is a great way to remember that others can see you for more than just your hair color.
It doesn’t have to be a bereavement group; if you have hobbies, you can pursue those in a group setting too. I led with the support group idea because it might be nice to be around like-minded companions who are experiencing the same kind of confusion about dating after loss.
Focus on making friends of all kinds. Then, when you feel happier about the people who surround you, maybe talk to them about how to have a less miserable experience with romance. I get the strong sense you’re looking to be partnered (hence the dating services), but it would be nice to have a world outside of that.
Also, I hope you’re not paying for dating services right now. Don’t pay for things that make you miserable.
Readers? Thoughts on the letter writer’s mood right now?
I’m about your age and tall with blond hair and blue eyes. I and also had many disappointments after I got divorced. I’ve been dating my current partner for over a year, but It took a long time to find him. Once I figured out how to be happy alone then the dating experience became much more pleasant because I had no expectations and started looking for different qualities. This took a lot of looking inside myself. I think that’s what you need too.phatalistic
Sign up for the Love Letters newsletter for announcements, hand-picked letters, and other great updates from the desk of Meredith Goldstein
Stay up to date with everything Boston. Receive the latest news and breaking updates, straight from our newsroom to your inbox.